


a sunflower soul with rock n’ roll eyes

by loveylou



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Abuse, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alpha Harry, Alpha Liam, Alpha Zayn, Alternate Universe - A/B/O, Anxiety and panic attacks, Attempted Sexual Assault, Eventual Smut, Explicit Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Lonely Louis, Louis-centric, Managment sucks, Multi, OT5, Omega Louis, Omega Niall, Sad Louis, Suicidal Actions/Attempt, Suicidal Thoughts, Suppressant Use, mature themes, the pack is oblivous, ”Beta” Louis
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:02:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 47,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28448103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loveylou/pseuds/loveylou
Summary: Omegas are the sunflowers of the world. The precious, little, bright flowers that everyone stopped to look at and ended up staying, entranced. They’re more than the roses people stop to smell. Omegas are sunflowers because they’re precious and beautiful and always cherished and protected.Alphas seem to be pretty self-explanatory. Unfortunately too many of them are selfish knotheads that only care about finding an omega to bond and therefore control. What an alpha is supposed to be is the caretaker, a dominance to an omega’s submission. They were an omega’s other half: protective and strong, alphas are the sun.Betas are the weeds. Often plucked and thrown aside because they could be thrown clear across the room and reroot, they could grow anywhere. Betas don’t have the needs of submitting, touch, and connection that Omegas do, in no way do they need the sun. They also don’t have the ability to dominate, the ability to protect and be strong enough to be the sun. Below alphas, below omegas, betas are and always will be the weeds that lay not forgotten but ignored simply because they don’t need anything.or Louis is forced to be the weeds when all he wants is to be the sunflower he really is.
Relationships: Louis Tomlinson/Other(s), Niall Horan/Zayn Malik/Liam Payne/Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Comments: 98
Kudos: 364





	1. “he wore a thousand faces all to hide his own”

**Author's Note:**

> had this idea circling for a while so i’m putting my own twist on the “beta” louis story. the first chapter isn’t super fantastic and will probably be edited later on, but here it is! 
> 
> thank you for giving this story a chance! i hope you like it :)
> 
> let me know what you think and any ideas or anything you’d like to see play out in the story.
> 
> enjoy :)
> 
> *chapter warnings* harsh language, manipulation, management is a bitch, alcohol

Omegas are the sunflowers of the world. The precious, little, bright flowers that everyone stopped to look at and ended up staying, entranced. They’re more than roses, you didn’t just stop to take a sniff, you  _ stayed.  _ Omegas are sunflowers because they’re precious and beautiful and always cherished and protected.

Alphas seem to be pretty self-explanatory. Unfortunately too many of them are selfish knotheads that only care about finding an omega to bond and therefore control. What an alpha is  _ supposed _ to be is the caretaker, a dominance to an omega’s submission. They were an omega’s other half: protective and strong, alphas are the sun. 

Betas are the weeds. Often plucked and thrown aside because they could take it, they could be thrown clear across the room and reroot, they could grow anywhere. Betas don’t have the needs of submitting, touch, and connection that Omegas do, in no way do they need the sun. They also don’t have the ability to dominate, the ability to protect and be strong enough to  _ be _ the sun. Below alphas, and in a way, below omegas, betas are and always will be the weeds that lay not forgotten but ignored simply because they don’t  _ need  _ anything. 

* * *

“Oh Jesus Christ,” Louis’ hand immediately slapped over his eyes and he scrunched his nose as the smell of lust, slick, and alpha pheromones hit him in a dizzying wave. 

He heard Liam and Niall huff out a laugh, Harry mutter an apology, and Zayn mumble a complaint. The zip of zippers and the rustle of clothes meant he could probably open his eyes without seeing anything that he  _ didn’t, definitely didn’t  _ want to see, he kept his hand still. 

“You can open your eyes, Louis,” Liam sounded amused, his voice low still edged with arousal, and Louis just twisted his mouth and began to back out of the door blindly. 

“The interviewer is here, so um—ow fuck!” his ankle twisted painfully as he misstepped on the stairs to the bus,  _ doing this with his eyes closed really wasn’t a great idea,  _ “just, yeah, we’re supposed to be there in like four minutes.”

He hopped awkwardly, shaking his slightly aching foot, before testing it out and shrugging because the pain was bearable. Then finally, when the air smelt less like pack sex and more like actual air, he took his hand off his eyes and allowed himself to readjust to the bright light around him. 

Paul raised an eyebrow at him and Louis sighed at the alpha, “They’ll be out in a minute,” he wrinkled his nose, “seemed that they were  _ occupied _ .”

“Oh, hush up, Lou,” Niall appeared beside him, only looking slightly rumpled, “you know how it gets, newly mated and all.”

The sweet smell of omega, specifically Niall, who always smelt like he had been dipped into a jar of honeyed raspberries, filled Louis nostrils and the tense of his spine threatened to slump in comfort. 

Instead of giving into the urge, Louis rolled his eyes and stepped away, “No, I don’t. You reek of  alpha, even my beta nose is injured.”

Something flicked his head, and Louis turned to glare at Zayn, who ignored the indignation and turned to nose a strip up Niall’s neck, “I think you smell amazing, darling.”

The omega giggled as his other two alphas joined and Paul sighed, looking at his watch, “C’mon, you’re gonna be late.”

They rushed through the halls of the tour stop’s venue, Louis walking next to Paul while the other four trailed behind them still caught up in their little pack bubble. Something rushed through Louis, icy and painful, but then Paul was pushing open a door and Louis was walking inside, a smile tugging harshly on his lips. 

Mark was already inside, sitting silent in a chair next to Lindsay, their management rep. The interviewer was an omega that smelt floral, her blonde hair was curled up into an intricate twist, and she grinned at the sight of the band, standing up and smoothing her dress. 

“Hi, I’m Claire,” Louis shook the hand offered to him and kept his smile in place, trying to ignore how the high pitch of her voice grated across his already pounding head, “Louis,” he charmed. 

She giggled, “I know.” 

He pulled his hand from hers and went to sit in the chair furthest to the left, his heel kicking into the wooden leg as he watched them finish introductions. 

Louis leant his elbow onto the arm of the chair as Niall settled down next to him but immediately leant to his right, toward his alpha. Fighting the frown on his face, Louis kept his face neutral, letting his eyes drift back to the interviewer, that he had already forgotten the name of, watching her shuffle her papers and cross her legs. 

When the first question was, “So, you four, how does it feel to be newly mated? Is pack life as good as it seems, because you four are like a dream together,” Louis tuned out, his eyes fighting not to stare at the floor as he dug his nails into his palm. 

He was vaguely aware of Niall answering, gushing while remaining careful of their private details, and he was sure that Harry, Zayn, and Liam like he was the most precious thing in the world. Louis couldn’t blame them, he snuck a glance at Niall and was overwhelmed by the shining enticement the omega practically exuded. He snapped his eyes away to keep from staring and ended up focusing on plucking pieces of fuzz from his jeans. 

“...only beta in the band?”

He had missed the first half of the question but he knew exactly what it was and how to answer it. Letting an arrogant, charming smirk tilt his lips, Louis ran a hand through his hair, “It’s nice,” he tilted his head, appearing thoughtful, but his stomach was rolling and all he wanted to do was run out of the room and away from the question, “don’t have to worry as much about being suffocated by security and all that. I get to roam and go out and just have fun.”

_ Having fun, I have freedom, I do what I want, it’s nice. _ That had always been and always will be his answer, same at the base but allowing it to shift and be reworded. 

The interviewer smiled at him, her teeth tugging at her bottom lip as she fluttered her eyelashes and giggled, “So no one’s managed to pin you down, get you to think about settling down?”

His laugh was boisterous and he could feel the aggravated stares digging into his sides, “Nah, love, think I’m perfectly happy living my life to the fullest. I have no desire to  _ submit _ to anything or anyone anytime soon.”

Niall looked offended and Louis wanted to apologize for the underhand jab at omegas, but Liam was already glaring at him. Louis wanted to shrink back from the reproachful look, bare his neck and beg for forgiveness, but he just nudged Niall with his foot and gave him a sincere look that had the omega smiling back, eyes crinkled with forgiveness. 

He broke the eye contact, the moment that had begun to spark a warm emotion in his chest, and leaned away again, his arms crossing over his chest as he listened Harry talk about tour and music, the others interjecting their own opinions. 

Louis gritted his teeth and forced himself into the interview, keeping his involvement to snarky, sarcastic interjections that the fans would eat up. 

Then twenty minutes later he was stretching and walking out the door, ready to find Steven so he could steal back his skateboard and explore the arena. But he was surprised to find himself trapped under Niall’s arm and led in the opposite direction. 

“Uh, Ni, where are we going?”

He felt Harry fall into step next to him, smiling down at him, the presence of Liam and Zayn heavy behind them, “It’s Thursday, Lou!”

“And?” Louis was sure he was supposed to understand the significance of ‘Thursday’ but the pounding in his head had him reeling for the answer. 

Niall’s face fell, “We always get dinner on Thursdays.”

Louis felt realization hit him and he just hip checked Niall, “I was just messing with ya, flower, I know what Thursdays are.”

“Excuse me, boys,” Lindsay was in front of them and Louis fought not to flinch back from the smile on her face, “I need to borrow, Louis, he forgot to finish some of the tour paperwork.”

Niall pouted and pinched Louis’ side, “Meet us at Nandos when you’re done. It’s almost seven or we’d wait for you to get done.”

Louis feigned a pained expression, throwing a wink to the pack who all laughed at the dramatics, “If I don’t die from all the paperwork.”

Then Lindsay was rolling her eyes and pushing Louis toward one of the tents she had claimed as her office. Once they were safely inside, Lindsay was glaring at Louis, “You’re going out tonight, no eating with the pack.”

The alpha’s glare and command had Louis shifting from foot to foot, his voice weak, “Look, I’m really not up to it, the new pills have too many side effects. Besides, I promised Niall.”

Her scoff was full of scorn as she walked around the little table and stood in front of Louis. Her hand shot out to grip Louis’ chin, the fingers digging in painfully, “It wasn’t an option. You will be going out, whether you can handle it or not. I don’t care if your fragile emotions can’t handle breaking a stupid promise that is only in existence because they pity you. You will never be part of a pack. You’re a ‘beta’ and you will go out because it’s your job, Louis. No one wants such a fairytale without drama, excitement. The band needs headlines, you will make them unless you’d rather I disrupt the pack to get them.”

Louis’ face crumpled at the threat, and Lindsay was smirking down at him, already knowing his answer, “Be ready in fifteen minutes.”

The hand on his chin was gone and Louis rubbed at the skin gingerly, “Okay.”

Lindsay’s nose wrinkled, her eyes scanning over Louis, “Make sure to skip lunch for the next few days, you’re not thin enough. Oh and spray some more neutralizer spray, I can almost smell the bitch you really are.”

Louis nodded, mind pounding horribly, fingers numb as he dug the bitten nails harshly into his palms, “I will.”

She smiled sickly sweet, slapping his cheek, ignoring the flinch, “Good boy.”

The words made Louis sick, his stomach tying into unpleasant knots as he rushed out of the tents and found Steven leaning against the crew’s tour bus, a hundred yards away. 

“I’m going out,” he told the alpha gruffly, turning to the big bus, and slipping into the bathroom and dousing himself in the empty smelling spray. 

When he emerged Steven was waiting for him, eyebrows furrowed, “Aren’t you supposed to be at dinner with the pack? It’s Thursday.”

Louis pressed the heel of his hand into his forehead, “I’m not going. Like I said, I’m going out.”

“Louis-“

“Don’t,” Louis held up a finger, “Let’s just fucking go, okay? I really need to get a drink.”

The alpha looked skeptical but motioned for Louis to go, his presence not far behind him as they made their way to the remaining SUV. The drive was practically silent as Louis hummed quietly, head leant against the window. 

The club they ended up at used to be Louis’ favourite in Manchester, but after a while, all the clubs and bars blurred into a half-drunken haze of sweat, pain, and nothingness. They walked in, a small crowd already there despite it being quite early in the evening. He sat himself at the bar, Steven lingering not far away, eyes always on him in case someone tried something. Nobody would because, well, it was because he was a beta, and even though he was technically “famous” betas didn’t fetch much of a price on any of the black markets. They were nothing.  _ Louis was nothing _ . 

So he ordered himself a vodka redbull and turned to scan his eyes over the dance floor that only had a few people on it. He was four drinks in (two of them vodka red bulls, the other two consisted of a pint and a row of tequila shots that had burned Louis’ throat painfully) when the dance floor had finally begun to buzz as the clock struck ten. 

Three hours had passed and Louis could barely tell, the blur of alcohol and the ache that had spread from his head to incase what felt like his entire being. 

He slurred at Steven and the bodyguard seemed to understand the drunken speech, and Louis was being helped out of the club. The second they stepped out of the doors, Louis was forced to duck his head at the storm of camera flashes. Paps surrounded them, yelling questions that even sober, Louis wouldn’t have been able to separate into coherency. 

He was jostled around, but Steven’s steady guidance got him to the car without any injury, but that, Louis supposed, was kind of his job. 

They weren’t even halfway through the drive home, Louis sobering up a little bit, his mind fighting through the amount of liquor that had numbed him for at least a little while, when Steven’s phone rang and the alpha answered with a short greeting. 

Unable to hear the conversation, Louis didn’t pay attention to the one side he could hear, letting his eyes fall closed. 

“Louis,” the phone was gone and pity was in Steven’s eyes, “That was Paul, he said that when you didn’t show-“

“Let me guess,” Louis fought the lump in his throat, “Liam went all Alpha and I’m booted out of the bus.”

The look of confirmation sent a stab of pain through Louis’ chest but he shrugged it off because  _ that’s what betas do, Louis, they shrug it off. Be a beta.  _

“Hotel or the crew bus?”

Steven sighed, “Up to you kid, there’s a room booked just in case, but you know that we have an extra bunk if you need it.”

“Bus, please, Steven,” Louis let his hands fall limp onto his knees, “I’m too drunk to be alone. Might choke on my tongue accidentally.”

The alpha just nodded, hand falling to Louis’ shoulder, “Louis, you’re better than this. Next time, don’t go out. We all love you and even though the boys sometimes get caught up in the alpha and omega, you’re their beta best friend and they care.”

Louis felt tears well up in his eyes, “Next time,” he whispered, completely aware that he had no choice in “his” decision. He was nothing more than a puppet, a headline for management to control. 

* * *

**Louis Tomlinson Visits Manchester Club, Leaves Drunk!** _ While the rest of One Direction was out for a nice pack dinner, the wild beta was seen cozying up to multiple betas and omegas during his night. After his wild up and down romance with beta Eleanor Calder, is Louis looking for distraction in the party scene?  _


	2. “it hurts that i can’t be what everyone wants or what anyone needs”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter two!! hope you guys have a happy new year’s eve/new year! thank you for giving me and this story a chance, hopefully it will live up to expectations :)
> 
> let me know what you guys think of the chapter!! enjoy :)
> 
> *chapter warnings* self deprecation, references to suppressant use, manipulation of an 18-year-old, mentions of possible/implied prior abuse, i think that’s it

“Rise and shine, Lou! It’s seven a.m.!” Louis woke to the all too cheery voice, groaning. Then the blinds were opening and his pounding headache came to the forefront of his thoughts, the pain behind his eyes coupled with the nausea crawling up his throat had him falling off the couch in the crew bus and dodging into the bathroom to empty his guts. He slumped against the toilet, hand going to flush it absentmindedly, flinching at the noise. He groaned when someone leaned in the doorway and flicked the light on. 

Zach, a beta that did soundcheck and currently number one on Louis’ bitch list for the early morning call, grimaced at Louis, “Mate, you look properly fucked.” Louis gagged, his voice weak, “Wow, thanks, I’m flattered.” The beta only tossed something to Louis, who barely caught it, his fingers shaky as he fumbled, “got those from your suitcase.”

It was his overnight bag, luckily still zipped tight, and a change of clothes, a comfy pair of sweats, a black tank top, and a zip-up adidas hoodie. 

“Sarah’s got some coffee brewing and breakfast is almost ready, I’m sure she has some painkillers too.”

Louis nodded, “Thanks, I’ll be there in ten. Tell Sarah I’m not very hungry, pretty sure it would come right back up.” 

Then the bathroom door was shutting and Louis was standing up, his knees wobbling as his vision swam.  _ He was such a fucking lightweight, this is why he needed an alph-  _ Louis stopped the thought, splashing his face with the sink water to the coldest setting as if the icy temperature would freeze any further such thoughts. 

He let his eyes drift up and felt his stomach sink as his caught sight of his own reflection. Louis felt his hand drift up to touch the glass, eyes swimming lifelessly as he felt disgust curl around him. No one would ever want him, no  _ could  _ ever want him. He was nothing but a burden and so many other things he didn’t know how to put into words. 

His eyes shifted to the bag still on the floor and something inside of him begged him not to pick it up. But it was the only way he would ever be  _ anything _ , even if it was just a headline. There, stitched into the lining of his bag with a small opening, were the yellow pills that controlled him. Management had always gotten his suppressants ever since they had started the contract and they found out his true identity as an omega. 

Originally, Louis had planned on stopping the suppressants his parents had put him on after presenting, but then Simon had looked to the management reps in the room and turned back to him with a sick, cruel smile. He signed without a second thought, at eighteen years old with no adult in the room to stop him from signing his life away, Louis sold his soul to a bunch of alphas and betas (no omega would allow another to be suppressed) with slimy smiles and sick intentions. They took his original suppressants, probably the least illegal ones on the black market, and replaced them, a packet of greyish pills forced into his hand and eventually down his throat. 

He never knew the names of the suppressants as management switched brands and dealers every few years to, well Louis didn’t know why exactly, probably to keep him from building up an immunity to the side effects and keep suspicion from building. Louis knew not to ask, all that would get him was an alpha command and a new set of bruises across his ribs, so he just took them and fought through the side effects. He deserved them anyway. 

Right before tour, two weeks ago, management had given him the yellow pills. Still reeling from the switch, Louis despised the new pills that sat dry and heavy on his tongue. He was barely living through the side effects, but he had barely been living since he was fourteen, he could do it a while longer.

So he took them. He  _ had  _ to take them. It didn’t matter that he got headaches so bad he could barely see let alone think, it didn’t matter that he was coughing up blood. It didn’t matter.  _ He had to be a beta.  _

So he peeled off his sweaty jeans and the shirt that smelled like vodka and vomit. Then he stood in front of the mirror, sweats hugging his hips and fought not to cry.  _ Betas don’t cry because they’re too fat, they do something about it. Do something about it, Louis. No one will ever want you. Just a stupid bitch that’s still worth nothing as a beta. Don’t eat, don’t complain about being hungry and everything will get better. You’ll be a better beta.  _

Louis’ hand drifted over his stomach, the little pouch of baby fat that wasn’t even fat. He had a tummy. He was  _ disgusting _ . Three quick knocks on the door had Louis jumping two feet in the air and wiping at the few tears that had managed to escape, “Oi! I said I’ll be there in ten minutes, I still have at least four.”

He slung the black tank top over his head, and picked his bag up and went to dig out the packet of suppressants but before he could even get his hands in the bag, he heard voices from the other side and then an angry omega was pushing a finger in his chest. 

“Why’d you ditch us?”

Louis’ heart sank, “I’m sorry, flower, that was real shit of me. At least you got time with your boys.”

Niall was pouting at him, dazzlingly soft and omegan, and Louis couldn’t help but sift his hand through Niall’s hair as the omega whined, “You’re my boy. I never get to see you anymore.”

Louis laughed lightly and let Niall hug him, “We’re on tour and live on a bus together, Ni, you see me everyday.”

“Not enough. I demand Lou time. Me, you, those idiot alphas, fifa, and Sherlock?”

Humming Louis separated from the hug, “Anything for the best omega in the entire world. Speaking of the band, where are those alphas of yours? I'm surprised they haven’t herded you off to breakfast yet.”

Niall’s nose scrunched, “I’m pissed at them.”

Louis shook his head and motioned for Niall to give him a second, closing the door on him and finally digging out a single yellow pill, turning the sink on as a distraction and swallowing it dry, zipping up his bag again. He turned the water off, slipped on his jacket and opened the door, stepping out and slinging an arm around his flower.

“What did they do to piss you off? Thought you all were in the candyland of mating still.”

Niall elbowed him, “They kicked you off the bus, Lou, that’s your space too and just because they’re alphas doesn’t mean they can act like knotheads.”

Louis felt guilt pool in his stomach,  _ great going, you’re such a fuck up, you’re the reason the pack is fighting,  _ “They didn’t kick me off, I was wasted last night and didn’t want to wake you up so I crashed on the crew bus.”

They turned the corner of the hallway and were faced with the three alphas, “Bullshit,” he snarled, glaring at Harry, Zayn, and Liam who looked uncharacteristically small under their omega’s fury.

Niall went to turn around but Louis just sighed and kept him put, “Ni, I’m not gonna cause some pack rift,”  _ you already did, they hate you, the alphas hate you,  _ “they were rightfully pissed at me and thought it best I didn’t upset you further. Not a big deal at all,” Louis brushed his hands on his pants, “Now if you’ll excuse me, you guys go eat your breakfast, I am going to go find my skateboard. Pretty sure Zach hid it somewhere, the twat.”

He turned away, ready to head toward rigging but then he heard Niall, “No, Louis, you haven’t had anything to eat yet.”

He winced and faced them again, catching full wind of Harry’s concern, and Zayn’s low, warning, “Is that true?”

“No, I ate.”

Liam’s face shifted, “You’re lying.”

“Am not,” Louis huffed defiantly. 

Then Niall was in front of him again, eyes wide, “You owe me, you’re eating breakfast with us and then playing fifa with me until interviews.”

Louis wanted to say no to all of it because it would only lead to another lecture from Lindsay about having to keep his distance, but how could he deny the puppy dog eyes? He rubbed the bridge of his nose, “How about I meet you in the den in an hour? I really need to find my board before it gets broken like last time besides I’m not hungry.”

_ You can’t eat. You can’t. They hate how fat you are. Everyone hates you. You’re ugly and worthless and a burd- _

A hand wrapped around his wrist and Louis found himself being dragged down the hall by Zayn, Niall skipping happily between Harry and Liam, “It’s not a choice, bro, breakfast is the most important meal of the day.”

_ You’ll have to skip dinner now. Not eat at all tomorrow, you fat bitch. No one wants an omega like you. You were supposed to be a beta. You have to be a beta. _

Louis wrestled out of the grip, “God, fine, you cavemen, I’ll eat.”

The eldest alpha smiled down at him, ruffling his hair. Louis fought not to preen at the action, softening and leaning into an alpha’s touch was not how a beta acted.  _ You’re a beta.  _

So Louis just punched Zayn on the shoulder and made a show of fixing the mess that was his hair. The smell of waffles, fresh and syrupy, drifted down the hall and Louis’ stomach rumbled excitedly. He fought the blush on his face when Niall looked at him with an eyebrow raised,  _ told you so. _ He flipped the omega off and gladly accepted the playful growl and shoulder shove from Liam. 

His head was pounding, he couldn’t feel his fingers, and everything hurt, but Louis knew this was exactly why he did it. The pack was smiling between bites of food, they were happy. They were happy with Louis as a beta. 

_ It’s just the hangover. The suppressants help you, they don’t hurt you. You’re what you’re supposed to be. You’re Louis Tomlinson of One Direction, the only beta. It’s nice. You have freedom. You do what you want. You have fun. You. Are. A. Beta. _

* * *

**Another Omega Found Dead in London After Being Suppressed by Illegal Banana Pill!** _ Although all suppressant brands were banned internationally decades ago, the underground spread of the illegal substance is still at work. While all are dangerous, the Banana Pill, scientifically known as Toleferal, has caused at least ten omegan deaths in the UK alone. The International Omega Protection Agency begs for any omega forced or coerced into any type of suppression to come forward, especially if thought to be taking the Banana Pill.  _


	3. “why do you only [ever care about me when i’m] high?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guys wtf this story is doing so well, thank you so much omg. um here’s chapter three, longest so far and they should gradually get longer or at least be around three thousand words. 
> 
> thank you for giving this story a chance! let me know what you guys think! enjoy :)
> 
> *chapter warnings* abusive behavior, nonconsensual drug use, past noncon drug use, implied past nonconsensual sexual behavior/implied past sexual assault/implied past rape (depends on how you view it), mentions of behaviors that encourage eating disorders/ed warning, harsh language

Louis loved his job, he really did, and while interviews were probably one of his least favourite parts, he didn’t mind them. The round they had today though was something Louis found himself dreading. The feeling had settled heavy in his guts when Paul had ended their fifa matches, Louis was still the champion thank you very much, and separated them into two groups. Louis didn’t want to be by himself but he said he would so the pack could stay together. Niall protested, blinking adorably at Paul and asked if they could all have the same interview. Lindsay gave Louis a sharp look and the “beta” shrugged, defeated but giving off indifference, “It’ll be alright, flower, I’ll see ya later, yeah?”

Paul and Mark went with the pack along with Collin, another management rep, branching off to the right. Louis felt uneasy as he was left with Lindsay and the last, nasty looking, beta security guard. Separating them had apparently just been a ruse because Louis was shepherded to the left and into a far room with Carl, the beta and only security member that was aware of Louis’ “condition,” and Lindsay. 

The alpha female had Louis against the wall before he could get a sound out, her forearm pressing against Louis’ windpipe, not hard enough that it would bruise later but enough weight behind it to cut off Louis’ air. 

He choked, his hand scraping at her arm and trying unsuccessfully to push her off of him as she snarled at him, “You thought I would let you spend so much time with the pack? They don’t want you around them, Louis. You ruin them. The only reason they keep you around is because you’re so useless and untalented that you make them look better.”

The pressure was gone and Louis coughed, spluttering, “Y-You’re lying-g-”

He was cut off, Lindsay leaning to look in his eyes where he was slumped against the wall, placing a demeaning finger under his dropped chin, “Oh the bitch is naive too. If they cared for you why didn’t they even try to get the five of you in an interview together? They care about one thing and one thing only,  _ their  _ omega,  _ their  _ pack, which, let me remind you,” her nail, fake and sharp, dug into the soft skin under his chin causing Louis to gasp, “you are not a part of.”

She turned to Carl, who had been watching the whole ordeal with a sick smile and Louis wanted to vomit when the man adjusted his all too obvious arousal in his pants.  _ He had been getting off on Louis’ pain, his tears.  _

“Go get a bucket.”

Louis’ head was pounding and things were a little harder to process but in every way Louis looked at it, there was no reason to need a bucket. His eyebrows furrowed as he leant against the wall, trying to increase the space between him and Lindsay, “Why the fuck do you need a bucket?”

His question went unanswered when Carl rentered the room, giving an empty five gallon paint bucket to the alpha who turned to Louis. 

His face paling abruptly, Louis tried to back away, inching instinctively toward the door, “Why do you need a bucket.”

Lindsay thrust her hand out, a big white pill on her palm, “Take it.”

Everything screamed at him, told him not to, so he did what a beta would do; he slapped her hand away and sent the pill scattering to the floor, “No.”

Louis knew it was stupid and probably not worth the momentary satisfaction that burned behind his smile, but he really couldn’t bring himself to care. Even though his smile dropped when he was ripped from the wall and slammed to the floor, he didn’t have regret as Carl pinned his kicking legs, and Lindsay hovered over him, her hand wrapping around his jaw and squeezing until his mouth fell open. 

The pill fell into his mouth and then Lindsay was slamming his jaw shut and pinching his nose shut, “Swallow and then you can breathe.”

He tried to resist, but his vision was already spotting so he swallowed and tapped frantically at Lindsay’s wrist, legs kicking uselessly. The effects of whatever drug they had given him were practically instantaneous, he heaved and then he was left on the floor, clutching uselessly at the stupid bucket and emptying his stomach of what felt like his internal organs. 

“People like  _ you _ don’t get to eat,” her nose scrunched in disgust as Louis coughed, vomit trailing down his chin. 

“Niall’s an omega,” Louis choked out, like the connection would save him from any more of the harsh words, everyone adored Niall. 

“You’re not an omega, Louis,” a hand tugged roughly at his hair, making Louis cry out as he was forced to look at Lindsay, “You’re a burden. A whiny bitch that has to be something else because he would be so worthlessly awful at what omegas are supposed to be. No one wants a broken heap of useless shit that gets treated well because of their gender. You will never be an omega because you could never please an alpha.”

Louis' eyes closed, doing nothing to stop the tears from leaking out and running down his flushed cheeks, “Tell me what you are,” it was an alpha command, Louis' body tried to resist, but his whole being felt like it was going through a shredder so he gritted his teeth. 

“I am a beta.”

_ I’m a beta. It’s nice. I have freedom. I do what you want. I have fun. I’m a beta. _

_“_ And what do you not deserve?”

”To eat,” Louis repeated numbly, “I’m already fat enough, it would be a waste of food.”

He flinched when a hand slapped his cheek and Lindsay’s lips curled into a smirk, “Good boy.”

When Louis threw up again it wasn’t because of the drugs, the words echoing around in his head emptily, because while his body craved the praise, coming from Lindsay all it did was make Louis’ skin crawl. 

“You’re absolutely disgusting,” Louis had to refrain from rolling his eyes considering she was the reason he was even throwing up in the first place, “clean yourself up, Carl, dispose of that bucket somewhere.”

Then, with her heels clicking down the hallway, Lindsay was gone. Louis pushed himself up, knees wobbling and his head spinning. He felt his nose dripping and he lifted a hand to his face, his fingers pulling back sticky with blood, “Fuck, shit,” his hands were clammy and shaking violently. 

Usually he wouldn’t complain about seeing Carl have to deal with a bucket of vomit but seeing it twice was sending him for a loop. He was high on a drug he didn't even know the name of. Louis felt like he had just snorted three lines of cocaine and did a cartwheel. He stumbled out of the room and made his way down the hall, hand pressing at the wall so he didn’t go tumbling down. 

He finally found a bathroom, luckily empty, and he crashed into a stall, using a wad of toilet paper to clean the blood and vomit off his face before flushing it down the toilet. Then he was hefting himself up and fumbled toward the sink, his hands gripping the sides of it as he was once again faced with his reflection. 

Louis looked fucked up. Worse than he did when Eleanor had slipped something into his drink and had gotten Louis pliant enough to snort cocaine off her stomach. He had woken up, disoriented and naked, her pressed into his side. He didn’t wake for her to wake, he just dressed and then was sprinting out of the hotel and down the streets, not stopping to catch his breath until he got to the hotel they were staying at. When Louis finally managed to get into his room that day, he didn’t even lock the door just slumped onto the floor of the shower, cold water soaking him and his clothes. 

He had cried for hours and when he had finished scrubbing his skin raw, trying to rid himself of any memory from before, he had dug his nails into his hips, not stopping until the water zipping down the drain had turned pink. Then he had looked in the mirror, taken in his bloodshot eyes and the grey tinge to his skin. He had looked dead, lifeless. 

He technically had no idea what he had looked like while high on cocaine and whatever drug was in his beer, but Louis was sure that this was worse. 

His pupils practically swallowed any semblance of blue in his eyes, but the angry red inching from the corners was almost worse. The flush of his cheeks was unhealthy compared to the cold, dead tinge to the rest of his skin. Louis looked like he was dying, hair mused into a tangled mess that Lou would give him an earful for, and the clammy shake to his hands. 

He looked over his attire, making sure that there wasn’t any bodily fluids that got on them, and tried to calm the back of his hair before exiting the bathroom and heading for the lounge. 

Louis had hoped that the pack’s interview would last longer than his “interview” did, but he stumbled into Zayn just as he went to turn down the main hallway of the stadium. 

“Lou!”

Niall, who had been talking to Harry about something, grinned at him, bouncing in the alpha’s arms.  _ Fuckfuckfuckfuck _ , “Sorry, flower, I don’t have time to stop and talk, need to get some work done. Still haven’t found my fucking skateboard either.” His eyes were on the wall, shifting constantly, and he turned to go back the direction he had come from, stuffing his hands into his pockets to hide their trembling, but Liam’s voice stopped him cold. 

“Didn’t you just come from that way?”

Louis shrugged, back still to the pack, “Yeah, you know me, get lost easily.” And that was a big fucking lie, out of everyone, besides maybe Liam himself, Louis had the best sense of direction. 

He winced at the lame excuse, his nails biting into the skin of his palms. 

“Are you okay, Lou?” Harry’s voice was all too careful, “You don’t look well.”

“I-I’m fine,” he tried to take a step, but then Liam was talking again, voice all Alpha, “Turn around.”

It wasn’t a command and Louis knew a beta wouldn’t follow it but he really was too out of it to even think about disobeying, turning on his heel and gluing his eyes to a crack in the concrete floor. 

A hand was under his chin again and Louis harry held back the flinch as Zayn studied him, eyes warm and all too knowing, “You’re high.”

It was a fact, said with such assurance Louis didn’t even bother to deny it.Then Liam was snarling, suddenly in Louis’ face, Zayn’s hand gone, as the Alpha gripped Louis’ shirt. 

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me, Louis,”  _ you’re bad, Alpha hates you,  _ “We have a show tonight, what did you take?”

Louis stuttered for an answer, hearing Zayn’s soft warning of “Liam,” and Niall telling Harry to let him.  _ You don’t know what you took. You’re so fucking stupid. They hate you, they all do. Badbadbadbadbad. _

“I don’t know,” he felt the shame rush through him and he fought to remain hard, beta-like in Liam’s grip instead of dropping to his knees, pressing his face into the jean clad thigh, and begging for Alpha to forgive him.  _ He’s not your Alpha, you are not an omega.  _

“How do you not know?” Louis’ mouth opened to answer, but Liam’s eyes flashed, “You know what? It doesn’t even matter. It has to stop, Louis, the alcohol, the drugs, the whoring around. It’s fucking you up and more importantly it interferes with my pack. Do you understand?”

Liam’s voice was a roar in Louis’ ear and he turned away from the power of it. Paul came running down the hall, Mark and Steven behind him, “What the hell is going on?”

“Nothing,” Louis shoved away from Liam and made a show of fixing his shirt and hair, “Liam forgot that I’m  _ not _ pack and therefore his little Alpha explosion doesn’t affect me.”

Niall’s face crumpled at Louis’ snark unaware that the brunette was practically shaking with the need to submit, “Louis’ high.”

“I am not!” Louis glared at Liam and then at Paul who was now glaring curiously at Louis’ features to catch signs. He wasn’t the only one looking at him and Louis felt like suffocating with all the attention, “ _ The more eyes on you the more likely they’ll know what a whiny bitch you truly are, be invisible,” Lindsay always told him,  _ “all of you can fuck off, okay? I’m fine, I just want to go for a fucking skate and get a new pack of cigs.”

“What is the issue?”  _ Of fucking course Lindsay had to show up.  _ Louis glared at the ceiling, “None of anyone’s damn business,” and then he pushed past Zayn and Mark and dodged down a side hallway, zig zagging to get a good distance between him and whatever security member was most likely following him. His eyes locked on the door with a large exit sign above it,  _ freedom, thank god. _

“Louis!” 

Ready to raise hell itself, Louis turned to the voice only to see Zach running toward him, his skateboard in his hand. 

“Thank fuck, you are literally the best,” Louis rushed, snatching the skateboard from the beta and running out the door. 

“Louis, wait! Where the hell are you going? You can’t just run off!”

Zach was trying to catch up but Louis was already skating around the buses and to the lowest point in the fencing, throwing his skateboard over and following suit, grunting when dizziness blinded him and the landing jarred the still aching ankle he rolled yesterday. 

He skated down to the corner store, looking at the slightly darkening sky, he checked his phone which was ringing madly, but he just caught sight of the time, he had to be back in thirty minutes to get ready for the show. 

So he bought a pack of cigarettes, not planning to smoke them until whatever was in his system had drained, but the familiar weight settled some of the leftover nerves that were grating against his ribs. Louis took his time skating back to the venue, thanking everything that there weren’t any fans lingering outside the gates, there were however three very angry security guards that took Louis by the ear and chewed him out for twenty minutes before sending Louis off to Lou and Caroline to get ready. 

The others were probably with Caroline in the next room considering Louis could smell all of them, but nonetheless he was glad that he had at least some separation. He smiled at Lou who tutted at the mess of his hair as Louis accepted a lapful of Lux, Lou’s daughter. 

Whatever peace he thought he would be receiving was dashed when Liam, Harry, and Zayn poked their heads in through the door, and when they didn’t get a hairbrush thrown at them deemed it safe to enter. Louis could hear Niall and Caroline laughing in the other room and he tried to focus on that and ignore his three other best friends. 

“Lou,”  _ goddammit, Louis, don’t look up, you know you’re gonna get the puppy dog eyes,  _ he looked in the mirror and caught Liam’s eyes and sure enough he looked like a wounded puppy, “We- I’m really sorry about that.”

When all the Alpha got was silence, Liam fought not to bristle angrily,  _ Louis is a beta, you cannot punish the beta. You cannot punish the beta,  _ “Are we okay?”

He huffed, fingers shifting through Lux’s hair, “Are you apologizing for yourselves or for your omega?”

Liam was taken aback by the question, “I am apologizing for my behaviour. While I do not regret what I said, I didn’t do it in the right way.” 

Louis rolled his eyes, scoffing, “Yeah, alright, all’s forgiven and all. Can you please, for the love of god, turn off the puppy dog eyes?”

When he got three blinding smiles in return, he sighed, pinching his nose, “I can’t believe I’m friends with you idiots. I will be getting revenge by the way, so be prepared.”

“As you should,” Niall was in the room now and Louis winked at the omega. 

“Hey, flower, bust those alphas butts?”

“You know I did,” Niall was pulled into Liam’s embrace, giggling, “They’re idiots sometimes and they know I don’t tolerate any slander of my favourite beta.”

Louis swallowed his response as Lou told him that he was good to go to Caroline and to be careful of her “masterpiece.”

He handed Lux to her mother and darted into the next room, immediately tackled into the corner with clothes racks. By the end he was in a pair of skinny jeans, a jersey hanging off his frame. He made his way to backstage and bent over to pick up his pack. 

He heard a whistle from behind him, Niall was standing there, dragging his eyes over Louis, “Damn, you look hot. Bet you’ll be getting some looking like that.”

Louis shrugged, “Don’t think I feel like going out tonight, flower.”

“Five minutes to stage!”

Harry, who had been lingering a few feet away, sidled up to them, pressing a kiss to Niall’s cheek and giving Louis a fist bump for good luck. Louis’ cheek tingled and he fought to not show how badly  _ he  _ wanted a kiss on the cheek from the lanky alpha.

Liam and Zayn showed up last, hurrying to put their ears in. Louis focused on the sound of the crowd, letting the noise drown out the lingering symptoms from his round with the white pill, and let adrenaline disguise his headache. 

He heard the buzz of the band and shook his limbs loose as the wall lifted and then they were running onto the stage, _ “Straight off the plane to a new hotel….” _

* * *

**One Direction Live in Manchester! Beta Louis Tomlinson Drenches Alpha Bandmate Liam Payne in On-Stage Water Fight!** _ Friday, May 30, One Direction performed the second show of the European leg of their tour in Manchester. Louis Tomlinson, only beta of the band, seemed to have it out for Liam Payne, spraying the Alpha with water at every opportunity. When the playful beta filled a bucket with all the water bottles left on stage and poured it all over his band mate, much to the amusement of the other three members; Niall Horan, Zayn Malik, and Harry Styles (who are omega, alpha, alpha respectively and also in a pack with Payne); Liam just laughed it off with a shake of his head, “Never mess with Tommo, his revenge sucks,” to emphasize his point, the alpha danced around, flinging water everywhere before crushing the beta, who tried unsuccessfully to escape, into a hug.  _


	4. “crying is how your heart speaks, when your lips can’t express the pain you feel”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am back in school tomorrow so i thought i would update tonight before i’m super busy and updating will become more thin. so i’m sorry that it’ll take longer for chapters :(. thank you for all the support this story has been getting, it’s honestly insane, so thank you for giving it a chance.
> 
> be prepared for some upcoming ANGST like it’s gonna be bad. fuck modest lmao
> 
> let me know what you guys think! enjoy :)
> 
> *chapter warnings* suppression, side effects of drugs, elevator is in this chapter, nonconsensual sexual interaction (you’ll see idk how to label it hhh), abuse, self-deprecation, graphic sexual assault/attempted rape, language
> 
> also, just a little disclaimer that this is not an accurate display of who they are, so please no one come at me for how ive made some people in the story. it’s just for the plot hhh

Louis was tired and the idea of crawling into his bunk and being able to doze off to the latest episode of Supernatural sounded like heaven. He pressed his head into the leather seat, eyes closing as his head throbbed and a shiver racked through him. 

“Louis, are you okay?” 

Steven was looking at him through the rearview mirror, but Louis’ mind could barely comprehend the question and he blinked sluggishly, “Wha-?”

“Louis!” fingers snapped in front of his face and Louis frowned as the sound was delayed, not matching up with the all too slow movements. 

He groaned, hand swatting Steven’s away, “M’fine, stop making so much goddamn noise.”

The alpha furrowed his eyebrows more at that, “Louis, In barely making a sound, are you sure you’re alright?”

_ No, it hurts, please make it stop, please just make it stop. _ Louis’ words came out trained, “I’m a-”  _ beta, it’s nice, I have freedom, I-  _ “I’m fine.” He forced his spine to straighten, face hardening into indifference, the cracks in his facade covered up just enough for him to stay together. 

The SUV slid to a halt and Louis gladly slid out of the backseat, stretching slightly and tugging at his tank top, which was still slightly damp from when Liam hugged him, from where it had stuck to his chest. His phone buzzed in his pocket, startling him as he walked to the bus, Steven trailing to make sure everything was in order. 

**_lindsay_ **

_ you’re going clubbing. there’s a hotel room, bring someone back preferably more than one, tabloids need a headline.  _

**_louis_ **

_ fuck off, not tonight. i’m going to bed. _

He put his phone on do not disturb, something sickly satisfied rushing through him, better than any alcohol, as he pushed open the door and was hit with a wave of what Louis had labeled as ‘pack sex’ washed over him. Groaning, Louis slammed his head against the wall and tried to plug his nose, waving his goodbye to Steven and closing the bus door. 

He scrambled for his bunk, the furthest from the pack’s room, and slipped on his headphones, which were noise cancelling, but not before he heard Niall’s high pitched whimper of “Alpha!”

Louis winced and slid as far under the covers as he could, plugging his phone in and pulling up Supernatural, which he was rewatching for the fourth time. Letting the screams of the first victim drown out his own need to scream, blanketing the overwhelming urge to curl into a ball and cry until he was out of tears. What the show couldn’t distract, Louis calmed with a punishing press of nails over the skin of his hip, over and over again until he felt his heart rate slow and his eyes droop closed. 

* * *

Louis woke up to a flash that burned across his vision, and he flinched, hand coming up to shield his eyes. There was someone on top of him and he had lost his shirt somehow. 

“Perfect,” his eyes finally cleared to find Eleanor on top of him, her chin propped on his chest, tapping away on her phone.

“Wha-“ Louis’ head spun and he felt his whole being revolt to the press Eleanor’s bare chest on his own, “Get the fuck off me.”

He pushed at her shoulder sending the beta out of the bunk and crashing to the floor with a thud. It was loud, and Louis glanced nervously at the door, hoping the pack wouldn’t wake up. She scoffed indignantly and crossed her arms, apparently completely unaffected by the fact that she was only wearing a pair of low hanging sweats, “How’d you even get in here?” Louis was relieved to find that he was still wearing the jeans he had fallen asleep in as he stood out of the bed, wincing when he shifted his hip and the fresh scratches there burned. He pulled on a jumper and threw a shirt to Eleanor. 

“Check your phone,” she slipped on the shirt which clung to her bare breasts, Louis wanted to vomit, he didn’t want to be here. His chest felt tight and he wanted to scratch at the places where he could still feel the heat of her skin against his.

He forced himself not to focus on that, picking up his phone as the realization hit him why Eleanor was here. Staring blankly at the home screen that was lit up with an ungodly amount of unread, threatening messages from Lindsay. The summary of which was that he was in deep shit for denying her command last night.

Louis sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose, “Honestly, I don’t care why you’re here, Eleanor. Please just get out…”

He trailed off as he heard the trailer door open and Julian popped his head in, “Hey, L, I need you to come and record some vocals-“ his eyes caught on Eleanor and he stumbled, “oh, um, take your time I guess.”

The alpha closed the door behind him and Louis found himself focusing his attention back on Eleanor, “I have work to do. We aren’t together, in any sense of the term, so please get out.”

He turned to the door but a hand was wrapping around his wrist, sharp nails digging into the sensitive skin. Louis hissed quietly as Eleanor snarled in his face, “Lindsay promised me three months with you.”

Louis scoffed and yanked his wrist from her grip, his voice slowly rising, “That’s not how it works. I will do anything but that. Go find someone else to drug and take advantage of, cause it’s not me anymore.”

Eleanor rolled her eyes, but Louis saw the nervous light behind her eyes, “You wanted it, you wanted me!”

Louis could barely think over the memories that were assaulting his senses, “I never wanted you! I asked you to fucking leave, Eleanor, I thought I made it clear four months ago that I didn’t want to see you again!”

He fisted at his hair, eyes burning. Louis really needed space, needed the sharp smell of Eleanor’s cheap perfume to get out of his senses. It was overwhelming and he could feel his chest tighten and his toes tingle, telling him what he already knew,  _ he was on the verge of a panic attack.  _

“What’s with all the yell-“

Zayn’s voice froze and Louis whipped around to see the alpha in the doorway down the hallway. 

Eleanor smiled fakely at him and came to stand next to Louis, her hand latching onto his arm. Louis couldn’t hold back his flinch and he saw Zayn’s eyes go sharp, reassessing the situation. Louis fought not to turn away, hide the obvious sign of his discomfort, the wetness gathering in the corners of his eyes and the tense arch of his shoulders.

He just smiled, hoping it would be enough to deter his friend, “Eleanor was just leaving. Go back to sleep, Zayn.”

“Louis?”

_ Fuck, not Niall too. _

“Hey, flower, sorry I woke you guys,” he tore his arm away and felt his shoulders sag slightly, relieved, “Let’s go before this turns into a bloody pack meeting.” He whispered the last part under his breath and he guided Eleanor out the door and closed it behind him. 

He caught sight of Paul, “Hey, Paul, please escort her out. If she comes back, deny all access.”

The alpha didn’t question him, just sent him a curious look as he nodded and gestured for Eleanor to leave, “Follow me, please.”

Louis’ head was still swimming and he ignored Eleanor calling his name, asking him to take it back and reconsider. He stumbled back into the bus, trying to be as silent as possible so he wouldn’t cause any more issues.  _ Burden, annoying, stupid bitch. That’s all you are to them.  _

Zayn was standing at his bunk, arms crossed, and Louis slid to a stop, blinking up at Zayn and apology already wetting his tongue, “I’m really sorry about that. It won’t happen again, you should go back to sleep, it's only,” he glanced at his phone, “four a.m.”

He reached around the silent alpha to grab his overnight bag, completely aware of the studying gaze that followed him. He was waiting for a reprimand, some sort of words from the eldest alpha, but he didn’t get any, so Louis felt himself relax slightly, ready to rush into the bathroom. He wasn’t expecting his hand to wrap around his upper arm and he flinched automatically, turning his face away from Zayn. 

“Louis,” the whisper was heartbroken, and the gentle touch on his arm disappeared. 

“Sorry, guess I’m just jumpy today,” Louis put distance between them, trying to block out how soft and warm he felt with Zayn’s scent surrounding him. He smelled like orange zest mixed with burnt cinnamon, more intoxicating than any alcohol Louis had ever consumed. 

He was still looking at the ground, his sides itching,  _ bad, alpha is upset. You made alpha sad. It’s your fault.  _

“Louis, are you okay?”

Zayn was closer to him now, and Louis’ omega, what he couldn’t suppress with a pill, clawed for him to cling to the alpha, press his nose into the caramel skin and get absolutely wasted on his scent. 

“Yeah, fine, why?” Looking up was a bad idea, a really bad idea. Zayn's eyes were filled with an emotion that Louis was all too familiar with yet still a stranger to: pity. 

“You’re swaying back and forth,”  _ was he? He had been sure it was just his imagination,  _ “Maybe you should sit down.”

A hand pressed softly into his shoulder and Louis ducked under it, his face hardening, “I’m fine, Z. I need to go record.”

He saw the protest twist Zayn’s mouth, but Louis was already shutting the bathroom door and sliding the lock shut, sinking down against and letting his head fall back, hands pressed into the cold flooring. He barely paid attention to the pill he swallowed, the heavy, dry weight that settled in his stomach. He couldn’t feel his fingers and he barely understood his own thoughts, the whirl of them confusing in the midst of the blinding pain hammering his skull.

Louis felt his knees try to buckle as he stood up, hands gripping tightly at the sink to stay standing. He didn’t look in the mirror this time, brushing his teeth and dousing himself in neutralizing spray without so much as a glance at his reflection. 

When he opened the door, Zayn was gone, but Louis could hear whispering in the pack room.  _ They’re talking about you,  _ Louis wanted to ignore the nagging whisper,  _ They probably want you out of the band for all the shit you’ve pulled. They  _ hate _ you.  _

Louis ran out of the bus, hand gripping his writing journal tightly, gulping in the fresh air as if it would cleanse him of everything. Every thought, every touch, every word that made him feel dirtied, worthless. 

It didn’t work and Louis felt just as shit as he did when he woke up, walking toward Lindsay’s “office.”

“Lindsay, I will club every night, I will do anything you want, but Eleanor is gone. The picture she took, deleted.”

The female alpha raised her eyebrow at him, but Louis stood his ground, “What made you think you have a choice?”

“I’ll cooperate. I’ll be obedient, isn’t that what you want? Me, a pliant, obedient bitch that you control completely?”

He saw that he had won, the light that began to shine behind her eyes, “Fine. She’s gone. You’re going out tonight, straight after the concert.”

Louis didn’t respond, just nodded, the brush of her usual words, “Good boy,” pushing him out the tent and toward the makeshift recording area. 

Julian greeted him, “I need you to finish recording the end of ‘Where Do Broken Hearts Go.’”

Louis tossed his notebook onto the couch and nodded, slipping into the questionable booth and adjusting the headphones over his ears. 

“1, 2, 3.”

Music rushed through his ears and Louis relaxed his shoulders, “ _ Tell me where you're hiding out. Where do broken hearts go? _ ”

He paused for Zayn’s line, his head bopping slightly to the beat, “ _ Where do broken hearts go? Tell me, 'cause I'm ten feet down. Where do broken hearts go? Come on, baby, come and get me out…” _

Julian gave him a thumbs up, “That should work, but we might re-record later.”

Louis grinned and plopped onto the couch, “Great, I wanted to run some lyrics that I wrote a few days ago by you. Maybe work on the idea.”

Julian nodded, sliding his chair over by Louis and motions to the closed door, “Want me to get the other boys?”

“No, let them sleep,”  _ they’re not sleeping because of you _ , “It’s just an idea anyway.”

He thumbed through his journal to the page where he had started scribbling down the broken up lyrics, “Okay, so I was thinking something like this for one of the verses.  _ ‘I'm the first to admit that I'm reckless, I get lost in your beauty and I can't see two feet in front of me, And I know in my heart, you're just a moving part.’  _ Then it goes into the chorus, which I don’t have much on…‘ _ And yeah I’ve let you use me from the day that we first met.’” _

He shrugged lightly, “The whole concept is almost about this foolish, unrealistic-“

“Love?” Julian was nodding, pencil scribbling over his own piece of paper, “I think it’s a great idea. We could do something with emphasis and have some jumps that run down before jumping back up.”

Louis nodded, “I think we need to focus on keeping it raw and powerful, you know?”

“I think the lyrics are pretty damn powerful already. Depressing too. Sure you’re okay?”

It was a joke but Louis felt his stomach twist,  _ no,  _ as he rolled his eyes, “Wanker, let’s just get to work.”

* * *

Louis wrote with Julian well into the afternoon, effectively ridding him of finding an excuse to skip lunch. He had been working, no time to eat. The show that night had gone well, and Louis tried not to notice how the pack kept looking at him, Zayn especially.

When it ended, Louis caught Paul with a fake grin, “I’m going out, who’s puppy guarding me?”

Carl raised his hand with a smile that made Louis sick as the pack approached from behind, Mark and Steven walking with them. Louis headed for an SUV, Carl trailing behind him which raised every single hair on the back of his neck as Louis disregarded the presence of the rest of his band. 

He felt their stares, the disapproval that practically dripped off their scents, and he accepted the weight of it. Louis knew he deserved it. He would never be enough for them, for anyone and he had to come to terms with it sooner rather than later. 

Maybe a little drinking wouldn’t hurt.

The club was a lot busier than it was on Thursday and Louis lost his racing thoughts to the Saturday night crowd. The thrum of the music washed over the pain that Louis never could seem to get rid of. He downed his first drink easily before pushing his way onto the dance floor, bouncing on the balls of his feet. 

An hour and one drink later, Louis was tired and he really needed to piss. He didn’t bother telling Carl where he was going, just pushed his way into the bathroom, the silence of the empty room providing Louis a very needed break. 

He was so fucking tired of being the headline, the alcoholic whore that slept with every beta and omega he could. 

Louis didn’t register the door swinging open, or at least he didn’t care, he just flushed and turned to wash his hands. He did register the alpha that was still standing in front of the door and the hand he flicked over to lock it. 

“W-what are you doing?”

Louis' voice cracked as he stuttered and he saw the smirk that grew on the alpha’s face at his obvious nervousness. 

“W-what am I doing?” he mocked, stepping closer, the obnoxious scent of cloves overwhelmed Louis, fear closed his throat, “I, darling, am going to give you what you want. What pretty twinks like you need. A knot in the arse and a mark on your neck.”

The colour drained from Louis' face, “I’m not an omega.” He tried to go for the door, but he was slammed against the wall and a hand was shoving down his pants, “I don’t care what you are, darling. An arse like this, all you need to be is my whore.”

Louis slammed his eyes shut, struggling harshly against the strange alpha as hot tears leaked out and ran down his face. A hand clamped over his mouth, and Louis screamed against it, sobbing harshly as lips latched onto his neck, “Stop moving.” Louis didn’t listen, and he bit at the alpha’s hand, hearing the large man curse. 

“You like biting?” he growled, Louis felt himself cry harder, “I’ll give you what all the whores like you want, darling.” Then teeth were digging into his neck and Louis was crying out in pain, fire crawling down his spine, complete agony curling around him. 

He sent his knee up and the alpha stumbled back, clutching at his crotch, and Louis took his opportunity and ran, pushing his way to the last place he had seen Carl standing. Sure enough the beta was still leaning against the bar, arms crossed over his chest,  _ he hadn’t even noticed Louis had left.  _

His eyes locked on Louis, the blood that covered his neck, he frowned, grabbing Louis’ shoulder and pushing him toward the exit, “Got yourself a whore mark, huh?” he sniffed the air, “Haven’t been knotted though.”

A hand tugged his shirt over the open wound, “Cover it up before anyone sees how much of a bitch you really are, whining and begging for an alpha.”

Louis stared blankly ahead, his mind far too loud for him to hear the beta’s insult. He hadn’t even realized they had gotten in the car until they were parking and Carl was shoving him toward Lindsay’s sleeping area, making sure that no one else saw them. 

“The bitch got himself marked.”

The female alpha sat up, not asleep yet, and was in front of Louis in a heartbeat, her hand pushing Louis head to the side and looking at the ripped skin. 

“Couldn’t control yourself, Louis? Such a bad boy,” she tutted, her finger brushing the mark and Louis keened, squirming away, his daze broken. 

“No, please,” Louis sobbed, trembling violently as Carl held him in place, his head turning away, eyes squeezing shut. 

Her hand gripped his chin, “Clean yourself up, bitch, and no one,  _ no one _ , hears about this. Understand?”

Louis nodded because he just wanted it to stop. He wanted it all to stop: the headaches, the pain, the insults, the lies; all of it. 

There was no cocky ‘Good boy’ or pat on the cheek, just a push out the door and toward the bus. Louis collapsed into the bathroom, turning the water on and wrapping his arms around his middle, nails digging into his ribs. 

He sat there for god knows how long before he finally ran out of tears and shut the water off, peeling off his clothes and hanging them over the towel rack. 

His finger drifted over the bite, but when pain, shame, and fear all rushed through him, Louis jerked his hand away and pulled on a large hoodie he had stolen from Harry and stashed in the backpack he kept in the bathroom, along with some pants and a pair of Niall’s sweats. 

When he crawled into his bunk, Louis cried again, evidently not out of tears, face buried in the soft fabric that still smelled like rain and mint, like Harry.

Louis cried until he fell asleep, throat raw from forcing himself to be silent, nails still pressing into his bare skin. 

_ Whore. Bitch. Even as a beta they know what you are: a twink bitch that’s only good at being a whore for an alpha’s knot. _

* * *

**_Louis Tomlinson and Eleanor Calder Back On?_ ** _ After a year long relationship full of ups and downs, the two betas called it quits for good. At least that is what they told us, but this morning Calder was seen escorted out of the One Direction venue, after what a source tells us was a “poor attempt of Miss Calder to respark a romance between her and Louis.” So is it just the poor attempt of a broken hearted girl left behind by the womanizer, Tomlinson, to reconnect and tame the player? Or was it more?  _


	5. “you’ll do anything to get that feeling back, because as long as it lasts, nothing’s wrong”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow so i actually had time to scribble out this short chapter that bridges into the big chapter, you know which one i’m talking about...
> 
> the time of traveling is completely inaccurate so please know that it doesn’t take all day to get from manchester and edinburgh but it was just for the story okay lmaoo
> 
> thank you for giving me and this story a chance, i hope you don’t regret it! 
> 
> let me know what you think! any suggestions you have i an open to, any requests i’ll take into consideration! thank you again and enjoy :)
> 
> *chapter warnings* ptsd, cigarette smoking, self-deprecation, language, references to alcoholism, detoxing and withdrawal

Waking up felt like trying to escape hell and Louis would honestly rather burn. He was cold, skin clammy and grey. His neck throbbed, a painful and dutiful reminder of what had happened. 

_ He had been marked, if he had been knotted it would’ve bonded him. He was connected to that alpha.  _

Louis didn’t need anymore motivation. He was out of bed and kneeling in front of the toilet in the blink of an eye, tears falling down his face as he emptied himself of what felt like his internal organs. He blinked blearily up at the digital clock above the door which blared the time in angry red letters: four a.m.

They would be leaving Manchester soon and that meant he would have to be on the bus with the pack for a number of hours. It would be hard to hide in the limited space. Louis blanched at the prospect, hand hovering over the ache in his neck, still covered by Harry’s hoodie. 

He used the time he had before the pack was up to get dressed, an adidas half zip-up to cover his neck and a pair of joggers, take his suppressants, and piece himself back together. Louis ended up in the kitchen, songwriting journal clutched in his hands, trying to be quiet as he put on a kettle so he could make a cuppa, adding enough water for the pack when they woke up. 

Curling up on the couch, feeling as though sitting at the table wasn’t his place, tables were for families, packs, and while he had a seat he knew he didn’t deserve it. His journal taunted him as he sipped at the steaming liquid which burned down his throat but did nothing to warm the chill of his skin. 

Sure enough, Paul knocked loudly on the bus door not twenty minutes later, Louis’ tea finally cool enough to take more than sips as he watched the tour manager march obnoxiously into the bus and down the hallway. 

“Up you get, boys! You can sleep on the road, but it is time to go!”

Louis could hear Niall’s “bugger off, Paul” and he snorted into his tea as the alpha came back down the hallway, tipping an imaginary hat to Louis as he waited for the other four to stumble out of their room and into the hall, looking half dead with sleep. 

Niall smiled brightly when he saw Louis, clambering onto the couch and tackling the beta into a hug. Louis carefully set his tea down, tense, “Tired, flower?”

_ Niall shouldn’t be touching you. You’re too filthy. Just a dirty whore.  _

The omega nodded, “You're freezing,” he went to say more but then Liam was lifting him up and off the couch, wrapping around his omega with a kiss on the neck, “Leave Louis alone, babe. Betas don’t do well with morning cuddles.”

Louis wanted to protest, wanted to say that he did want to cuddle, but a shiver racked him violently and he was reminded of what he was supposed to be: a beta that doesn’t have a whore mark on his neck. 

“Lou loves my cuddles, don’t you?” Big blue eyes stared at him, round and soft, begging. Louis groaned, “Of course I do, flower, but no time right now if I’m gonna go sneak a quick smoke in before we head out.”

“Wait for me,” Zayn pulled on a shirt that was laying around, probably not a clean one at that, and followed Louis out the bus steps, both of them ignoring Harry’s quip about the health effects of cigarettes. 

Louis handed Zayn the pack after he took his own, hands shaking as he lit the end and leaned his head back, letting the burn of the nicotine soothe a part of his nerves that he couldn’t reach and therefore couldn’t control. 

“I thought you quit when you guys bonded,” Louis muttered, the sky still dark as only a hint of the sun peeked over the edge of the horizon. 

Zayn nodded beside him, breathing out a puff of smoke, “I did.”

“Doesn't look like it,” smoke snorted out of his nose as he laughed wryly, “Why did you need a smoke this fine morning, Zaynie?”

“Why did you?”

The question momentarily stilled Louis’ hand as he brought the cigarette to his lips again because no one,  _ no one,  _ had ever asked him  _ why.  _ Louis shrugged, “Guess I'm just an addict with nothing to quit for.”

“Bullshit,” Zayn was looking at Louis again, “We’re worried about you.”

Anger flared in Louis’ stomach, rooted in frustration and agony, “Quite unnecessarily. You all can go fuck off back to candyland. I’m a beta, I don’t need anyone to worry about me.”

He dropped his cigarette to the ground, pressing it out with his shoe and turning back to the bus. Louis must’ve moved too quickly because his vision swam and he stumbled to the side, hands going out to catch himself but then something hard and warm that smelt like orange zest and cinnamon was gripping at him, keeping him upright. 

“Jesus Christ, Louis, you're detoxing, no more alcohol or whatever drugs you’ve been on, at least for a full day.”

Zayn was moving them toward the bus and Louis didn’t have the strength to argue as he used the last of it to push away from the alpha, “I can walk,” he snarled. 

It didn’t work and Zayn kept a supporting hand on Louis’ elbow as they climbed the stairs back into the bus. Paul was gone and Louis huffed when he noticed Zayn had kept his pack of cigarettes.

“Why does Louis look like he wants to kill you, Z?”

Niall was snuggling with Liam while Harry cooked something in the kitchen that smelled an awful lot like french toast. Louis ignored the hunger that clawed at his gut and turned his back to the food, and he glared at Zayn.

“We’re doing a little detox while we drive today. Twenty-four hours with no alcohol, drugs, or partying,” the eldest alpha glanced at his phone, “starting now.”

“You can last a day, Louis,” Liam’s eyebrow was raised in a very Alpha manner and Louis wanted to preen under the attention, but he just twisted his lips into a grimace. 

“I know I can, but I don’t  _ need  _ to. I’m fine. I don’t get why all of you think that I’m about to drop dead any second just because I like to have a little fun.” 

_ It’s not fun, you hate it.  _ He dug his nails into his palms at the thought,  _ no bad. It’s fun. You have fun. You’re a beta. The headline.  _

He sat next on the opposite end of the couch, snatching his journal and opening to a new page and staring at it thoughtfully, “I don’t need to detox.”

“Then it won’t be a problem,” Liam said, gladly accepting a plate of food from Harry, kissing the baby alpha on the lips as he began to feed Niall and himself french toast. Louis shook his head when Harry offered him some, catching the dirty looks sent his way, but he stood his ground, tucking his knees to his chest to hide the tremble in his limbs. 

_ I don’t need to detox. _

* * *

Apparently, the alcohol Louis had consumed last night had kept him from the worst of the aftermath of the bite mark on his neck. He hit an all time low when it had buzzed out of his system completely and he struggled to act with any semblance of normal. 

He felt he had been hit with a freight train. A freight train with alpha’s teeth that was covered in ice. 

Louis moaned pitifully, as he pressed his face into the couch and Harry crouched down next to him, a bottle of water in his hand and a sympathetic smile on his lips, “You need to drink water, babes.”

_ Babes. Babes. Babes.  _

Louis pushed the offered drink (and the way the pet name made him feel) away, with a slight grumble of “Fuck off. I feel like shit.”

Niall looked sad and worried, an expression that wasn’t at all fitting for his sunflower. Liam was hovering and Zayn was standing in front of the cabinet where they kept the liquor as if Louis was in any shape to try and grab any of it. He was pretty sure that if he tried he would take a step and crumple to the ground. 

He knew that this wasn’t because he was an alcoholic. No, Louis was very aware that he was displaying signs of trauma not to mention suppressant use, but they didn’t know that. 

_ Guess they’ll just have to see how weak and worthless you really are. They know what you are, Louis. A worthless drunk, burdensome whore that sleeps with everyone and parties all the time.  _

“You’ve been staring at me all day. It’s dark outside, I kind of feel like throwing myself in front of the bus we’re in. So how about you all go to bed before Niall falls asleep standing up.”

The omega snapped to attention at that, rubbing at his drooping eyes, “I’m wide awake,” he yawned. 

Louis shivered, “I’m not, so I am going to my bunk where I can sleep through the rest of this god awful twenty-four hours.”

He went to stand up, because god dammit he would be walking to his bunk without any help, but his vision blanked and his knees were buckling for what felt like the hundredth time that day. Embarrassed tears burned in the corners of his eyes as someone scooped him up,  _ lemon and the breeze you only find on a beach at sunset _ , Liam.

“Rest.”

He was tucked into his bunk like some useless toddler, Niall pressed a kiss to his cheek, “Feel better in the morning, boobear. We just want to help you.”

_ “They care about one thing and one thing only, their omega, their pack, which, let me remind you, you are not a part of.” They just want you to stop making them look bad. They won’t ever love you, but did you really expect them to? Look at you, forcing them to take care of you because you can’t handle a little bite mark. Burden. You’re nothing to them. In the morning you’ll be better and they’ll go back to not pretending to give a shit. _

“Goodnight,” his voice was harsher than he meant it to be, but panic was building in his throat and he needed them to go away. They had seen him vulnerable enough.

It worked, he got rushed goodnights in return as they went down the hall. When the door clicked shut, Louis buried his face in the pillow and screamed silently, his neck burning. 

It had scabbed over sometime during the day, healing with the speed of a bond mark, he knew the wide gashes from the teeth would’ve closed to bloody indents, red, heady, and swollen. 

He closed his eyes as tears soaked into his pillow case, forcing himself to relax in the hopes he would fall into another night of dreamless, restless sleep. 

* * *

Apparently it was the alcohol that kept him from dreaming because he was back into the bathroom and the smell of cloves was closing in on him as a hand tightened around his throat and the other was forced down his pants. 

He screamed.

* * *

_**One Direction Leaves for Edinburgh!** _ _Continuing the European branch of their World Tour, One Direction was seen leaving their last venue early Sunday morning to head for Scotland! Although it’s early in their highly anticipated third tour, the success of their shows has exceeded any previous endeavors, impressive considering their internationally adored tours from previous years._


	6. “now it’s time to let the curtains unfold and tell all the stories that i didn’t want told.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HERE IT IS GUYS
> 
> the chapter i have been writing for like two days straight, the BIG one. i really hope you guys like it, i definitely think it’s my best work on this book so far. also, don’t worry, i will not be shoving louis into the pack’s relationship quickly. it won’t be a slow burn by any means but it’s not gonna be happening for at least the next few chapters.
> 
> also, just btw, for future reference before anyone asks, i only write bottom louis. that’s it so don’t ask for him to top lol. 
> 
> anyway, here it is, enjoy :)
> 
> *chapter warnings* nightmares, HEAVY angst, suicidal thoughts, suicidal actions (kind of?), mentions of past abuse, sad, language, it’s rough guys good luck

Niall woke up to someone screaming. He shot up in bed, hand reaching out to clutch at the nearest alpha, which happened to be Harry. 

“No! No! Please!” Niall’s heart shattered, that was Louis’ voice,  _ had the detox really affected him that much? _

He felt a similar question flit through all of his alphas’ eyes, but none of them lingered on it as another sob-broken scream echoed down the hall and they ripped the door open, sprinting to Louis’ bunk. Zayn made it first, tearing the curtain back and almost dropping to his knees at the sight of Louis twisted up in his sheets, hands pushing at empty air as if he was trying to get away from something. 

“Louis!” Niall tried to get close to the beta, but Louis flinched away from the voice and tried to push himself as far away as he could, eyes still shut with sleep.

“No no no,” Louis was sobbing, tears running his face as he thrashed around. Liam snatched his wrists to keep him from hurting himself but it only added to his hysteria, his wrists twisting as he tried to get free, “Please stop, no please. Please.”

“Louis, wake up!”

The beta’s nose twitched in recognition, “Li? No you’re not supposed to be here, you can’t see-”

The Alpha felt his mouth turn down as his words were a plea threaded with a low command, “Louis! It’s just a dream. Wake up!”

Louis’ eyes snapped open, confused light filling them at the sight of the entire pack standing around his bunk, Liam’s hands around his wrists. His neck was throbbing wildly and Louis couldn’t separate any thoughts from the whirlwind in his mind except for:  _ be a beta. Be a beta.  _

He couldn’t, everything in him screamed that he was screwed and he freed one of his hands and immediately checked to see if the mark was still covered after what appeared to be a rough night. 

It wasn’t Louis’ brightest moment and the movement had all eyes zeroing in on the side of his neck now covered not only with his jumper, but his hand. Louis pressed down a little harder as if it would take their attention away magically and pain flashed through him as he winced and yelped. 

“You’re hurt,” Harry’s hand reached out for him and Louis flinched back, guilt filling him when the absolute sweetest alpha he had ever met looked horrified with himself, curls falling into his dampening green eyes, “Lou, I’m not gon-none of us would ever hurt you.”

It was all too much and Louis could barely think, “I’m fine,” he stuttered out, hand still clamped over the fabric. Niall, as omega as ever, scoffed, “You betas. You’re not fine, Louis. You just had a nightmare so bad you’re still shaking. You’re obviously hurt, now let me be an omega and help you, lovey.”

Louis froze, shaking his head, “Niall, no.”

“Move your hand, Louis,” the blonde was closer now, his voice was far too commanding for an omega and Louis found himself more scared of it than any alpha command.  _ Run or they’ll know. They’ll hate you.  _ He pushed Zayn out of the way, and made for the bathroom, he could hide in there. 

“It’s nothing flower, I’m serious,” he tried to sound like Lindsay did when she was an intimidating bitch, “Drop it.”

“Just let me look at it,” Niall’s hand was tugging at his arm. Louis’ knees went wobbly at the motion and he felt like ice had been poured over him as the cotton brushed over the mark. His hand clutched at his head, and he tried to pull away from Niall; Zayn, Harry, and Liam hovering, protective presences in the back of his mind, “Let me help you.”

Niall was pouting, and Louis tore his arm away, his whisper so low, the pack barely heard it, “No one can help me.”

“Louis,” Liam’s voice was low, “Let us help. I assure whatever you did to your neck is not as embarrassing or as horrible as you think. Even if it’s bad, we’re your best friends and we won’t care because you’re our favourite beta.”

_ Beta. They would hate you if they knew. You have to be a beta. _

“I can’t.”

He tried to turn away but then Liam’s hand fell on his shoulder, right above the mark and pain, agony like nothing Louis had ever felt, rushed through him. He gasped and tried to get away but he just ended up falling to the ground, twitching weakly as the pack’s surprised and worried voices filtered soft and tiny through the heavy fog that surrounded Louis. 

“Louis, we’re gonna peel back your jumper okay?” It was Zayn, his voice soothing and calm, as hands stroked his hair and his head was laid in someone’s lap.  _ Honeyed raspberries _ , Louis faintly identified,  _ Niall.  _

The words Zayn spoke finally hit him with their meaning and Louis could only gasp weakly, trying to push away as tears filled his eyes and pushed down his chin. A thumb wiped them away, _Harry,_ Louis thought dimly. Hands wrapped gently around his wrists as if he could’ve escaped from them if he had tried, _Zayn,_ _definitely Zayn, his hands had always been the softest._ Which left Liam, Alpha of the pack, as the one who was reaching for the zipper and undoing it. 

Louis shook his head as his mouth opened uselessly, tongue heavy and dry as he tried to utter the single word ruling his mind,  _ Nononononono.  _

Air brushed his collarbone and Louis pushed his head back into Niall’s lap, body convulsed with heavy, painful sobs. He felt like he was underwater, everything far too slow for a moment that was bound to be the worst in his life. The pain had receded to pinpricks of heat in his limbs and a burning in his neck. 

“No,” he finally choked out, the salty taste of tears flooding his senses, but his last attempt of struggle was useless and Liam’s fingers were brushing his skin as the jumper was moved to his shoulder and it was too late.

The pack gasped, he heard Niall whisper, “Oh, Louis.”

Louis tried to cover it up, frantic fear moving him, his hand shot up, no longer restrained as Zayn’s grip had gone loose with shock, but his hand was moved out of the way. He could feel their stares on it, smell the disbelief, sadness, and anger that practically wafted from their scents. 

“You’re an omega,” Niall had whispered it, sure but so quiet as if the accusation would be dissipated into nothing more than thought by the raging air conditioner. 

Louis shook his head, “No. No. No.” He was blubbering as he wrapped his arms around himself and curled up into a ball, surrounded by the pack, “I’m a beta. I am.”

“Louis,” Harry sounded like he was crying, “We know what that mark means.”

_ Beta’s can’t have marks, if any alpha tried it would fade minutes after the bite occurred. Louis had a mark that was heady, dark and very clearly not given to him by Harry, Liam, or Zayn, the only alphas he had been around all day.  _

Louis was screwed. He was so screwed. Lindsay, Lindsay would kill him. He couldn’t breathe and  he dug his nails into his palms, his chest shaking, “No, you-you can’t. I-she’ll, I no, you can’t. She’s gonna-nono-bad bad.”

“Louis, calm down,” a hand grabbed his own, thumb rubbing at the crescent marks as Louis looked up to see Liam looking at him sadly. The alpha pressed Louis palm against his chest, “You have to breathe. Feel my heartbeat. We’re all here and it’s going to be okay.”

_ It’ll never be okay. They  _ know.  _ It’s over. You’re worthless now, _ Louis swallowed, Liam’s pulse steady under his fingers. His breathing slowed automatically, blood rushing in his ears as he involuntarily relaxed, tears still staining his skin, “I’m sorry,” he cried out, “I’m sorry.”

“Shhh,” Niall’s voice was wavering, but still so warm and soft, the perfect omega.

“I’m gonna go call a car,” Zayn stood up, hand running through Louis’ hair as the bet-  _ omega _ looked up at him with wide, panicked eyes that were the colour of the sea. 

“Wha- why?”

_ Were they really sending him away that soon?  _

Niall soothed the panic with a calming hand, “We need to take you to the hospital, boo.”

Louis shook his head again, fresh tears welling up, “No, don’t need it.”

“We need it, Louis,” Harry had been crying, his eyes still glistening and red, “We need to know you’re okay.”

Liam had gone into the next room and as Louis avoided the concern in Harry’s eyes as the alpha helped him and Niall stand, the blonde omega still wrapped protectively around his friend, his eyes followed Liam as the Alpha pulled out his phone and dialed a number. 

“Hey, Lindsay,” Louis felt nausea rush through him and this time no one could stop him as he tore himself from Niall’s grasp and sprinted past Harry and Liam, tearing open the door and practically falling down the stairs as his heart threatened to beat out of his chest. 

“Louis!” “Louis!” “Louis!”

There was a shadow ahead of him and Louis slid to a stop as it turned out to be Zayn who whipped around at his mates’ shouts. 

Louis gasped and darted to the side, his legs pumping as fast as they could, “Louis!”

He could hear them catching up and all Louis could do was squeeze through a hole in a piece of fencing and hailing a cab. He closed the door just in time to see Liam rip the fencing open and step through, radiating so much Alpha that Louis could feel the dominance through the glass. Their eyes met as Niall appeared next to him, Zayn and Harry after that, Louis’ hand pressed against the glass, a silent last ‘I’m sorry’ as the cab sped away. 

* * *

Louis had left his phone on the bus, still charging in his bunk. So when he had gone to the corner store and gotten the pocket knife, lighter, and pack of cigarettes, he also picked up a burner phone. When the cab driver, a heavily accented man, dropped him off at some random, dingy motel, Louis shoved a chunk of money in his hands, glad that he had fallen asleep with his wallet still stuffed in his pocket. 

He stumbled into the room he paid for, the last of his cash in the register downstairs, and walked onto the dingy and seemingly unstable balcony. He lit the first cigarette, the rough pull of smoke rushing through him in a calming drag. His free hand shook as he dialed the only phone number he had memorized. 

_ “Who-” _

“Lindsay, they know. They saw the mark and they know. So I’m doing what I know you would’ve told me,” he breathed into the phone and if he had any tears left, Louis knew he would be crying silently. 

_ “Louis, shut the fuck up right now,”  _ Lindsay snarled into the phone, she sounded scared and rustling came ove the line. 

Louis ignored it, “It’ll make the headline. One last time; the druggie, partier, alcoholic playboy beta of One Direction finally breaks. I know you can’t tell them I’m an omega, I know that if they knew I was my selfish, whiny, bitch self, the headline would go down the drain,” Louis laughed bitterly, “When I’m dead, I won’t be able to screw up. I’ll be the perfect beta, that’s what everyone always wanted.”

_ There’s the tears.  _

Louis opened his mouth to continue, dropping his cigarette to open the pocket knife and trace his finger over the sharp edge, when a roar, estranged and so very angry carried over the phone and Louis flinched. He recognized the timbre and he heard the phone switch people, “Louis,” it was Liam, his voice still underlined with the growl of his anger, “Where are you?”

“I’m-” Louis found the name of the motel on the tip of his tongue, “I can’t tell you that, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I fucked up. I’m sorry I was-”

_ An omega  _ rested on the tip of his tongue and Louis choked out a sob, “I can’t keep pretending, the fucking pills are destroying me, Li. But I can’t be an omega.” 

“You can,” It was Harry’s voice, thick and low, “You can be an omega. You were meant to be-”

“I was meant to be a beta!” Louis snapped, practically pouring every pain and ache he had suffered into the words, all of it because he had to be an omega, “They wanted a beta,” he repeated, the whisper so completely opposite of the storm inside of him. 

“Management is lucky they’re not in graves,” Zayn, the calmest, most reserved person Louis knows, was growling into the phone, “What they want doesn’t matter.” 

“Not them,” Louis pressed the blade into his thumb watching as a bead of blood broke through the skin and ran down his hand, “Fuck them.” He coughed into his hand, the numbness was spreading and blood flecked his skin, coating his lips.

“Who?” It sounded like a threat, it was the angriest Louis had ever heard Zayn, his voice a deadly and chilling whisper.

“I had to be a beta,” Louis whispered, “I’ll die as a beta. I’ll finally do something right, maybe they’ll love me when I’m gone.”

“Louis,”  _ oh god,  _ Louis froze at Niall’s voice, _he wasn’t supposed to be here, he didn’t want Niall to live with the fact he was on the phone with Louis while he bled out,_ “I’m an omega, so do I deserve to die?”

“No, no, Niall, you’re the perfect omega,” Louis rushed, stomach clenching painfully at the mental image of Niall laying somewhere bloodied and lifeless, “You’re a sunflower, everyone loves you. You’re perfect and beautiful and just the absolute best kind of person.”

“So are you,” Niall’s voice was pleading, “You’re a sunflower, Louis, you're an ome-”

“No,” his voice was sharp, upset, “I can’t be. Even if it was possible, I,” he searched for the word, “I’m just a weed, Ni. Even if I hadn’t had the whole fucking rainbow of pills shoved down my throat, I would still be a weed. All I am now is a weed that swallows yellow pills to make him seem like a weed that’s worth it, one that benefits the soil, the flowers growing around-”

“Louis, the suppressants, they’re yellow?”

His head swam, but Louis nodded, clenching his teeth as pain rocked his skull, “Yes.”

“Goddammit, Louis,” Harry sounded frantic, “How long have you been on them?”

Louis knew this, since the beginning of tour,  _ how long have they been on tour?  _ He couldn’t remember, it hurt, “I don’t know,” Louis sounded confused, “I should know, but I-I  _ can’t  _ remember.”

Cursing sounded in his ear, “Louis, you have to tell us where you are. Can you see any signs?”

Louis shouldn’t answer, he faintly looked at the knife in his hands, he was here, hiding for a reason, but he couldn’t remember why. His eyes fixed on the neon sign, “I’m at the  _ Sundy Motel, _ ” his eyebrows furrowed and he whispered, “I don’t think I wanted to tell you that.”

“Louis?”

Louis hummed at Niall’s voice, “Flower.”

“We’re on our way, an ambulance is gonna get there soon.”

The lack of protest from himself had him giggling unironically for a second before he clutched his chest with a whimper, “It hurts.”

Louis heard the omega say something, but Louis couldn’t respond, and he barely comprehended as a chorus of voice called to him over the phone. He felt a chill wrap around him and something urged him to say goodbye, “I-I-” he couldn’t push the words out, “Room 2828,” he choked out before his hand went limp and the phone fell. He stared at it, confused, his fingers twitching uselessly, and  _ god, Louis was so tired.  _

The phone was still garbling up voices, but Louis just felt his back hit the metal grating of the balcony floor, feet still dangling between the metal bar rails. Darkness called to him but Louis fought against it as sirens erupted in the distance. 

Another chill wrapped around him, like something old and dark had curled an arm over his shoulders, and Louis slumped involuntarily as the pain faded. He couldn’t feel his chest ache, his head splitting open, or the whore mark on his neck. The darkness looked so nice when Louis blinked slow and lazy, invitingly enticing, he felt himself drifting closer and closer to the black nothingness. He fell, pulled down by the memories and the things he’d never have, into the warm darkness that swallowed him whole.

_ “You will live as a beta,” a pill was forced into his hand and Louis, small and no more than twelve, stared at it and then his parents, “you know the rules. You will live as a beta.” _

_ “I will die as one,” he whispered, swallowing it dry as he waited for some sort of approval to flash in their eyes. All he got was their backs as they walked away, leaving him alone because he was a beta and they didn’t need anyone or anything. _

* * *

**_One Direction Seen Rushing Out of their Venue Missing a Certain Beta!_ ** _ Teary-eyed four of the five members were seen rushing out of their venue, the pack looking frantic. Has something happened to Louis? Could there be drama brewing for the band seen a few days ago play fighting on stage? Where is the playboy beta now? Let us know what you think at our twitter:  _ **@dailymail_official**

**@zianarry_:**

**_@dailymail_official,_ ** _ Louis probably overdosed in some shithole. It’s a wonder why the pack even cares, they don’t need him, he can’t even sing LMAO _

**@onedirectionisperfect:**

**_@dailymail_official,_ ** _ how about it’s none of you fucking business. leave them alone, fucktards. _

**@smolbeanlouis:**

**_@dailymail_official,_ ** _ find some celebrity that actually appreciates the press “benefits” of your shitty articles that are full of lies instead of trying to make One Direction into your scandal story.  _

**@hatebeta1D:** ****

**_@dailymail_official,_ ** _ fingers crossed louis finally killed himself.  _


	7. “the second we are born, we start dying. so this is not life, this is death.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i cried while writing this. good luck. zayn has a line that literally had me bursting into tears and i wrote it... :)
> 
> thank you for all the kind words, your comments make my day and i love all the encouragement. basically you guys are the best and i’m just happy you’re enjoying my story 
> 
> let me know what you guys think! enjoy? be sad :)
> 
> *chapter warnings* language, descriptions of death, mentions of past suicidal thoughts, hospitals (idk but i thought i’d mention it just incase it triggers someone), hallucinations, implied past abuse

Niall was crying. Harry was stuck between following in suit of his omega and punching the next person he saw. Zayn looked like he had seen the scariest horror movie and was not going to be able to sleep without the light on that night. Liam was angry, confused, and still so shocked he couldn’t make a sound. 

The silence that came over the other side of Lindsay’s phone froze all of them in the realization that they might be too late. Paul was cursing from the driver’s seat as they definitely broke ten different traffic laws. 

Somehow, in a way that wasn’t at all surprising, they beat the ambulance to the falling apart dump that was the Sundy Motel. It was far too dark, too dreary for their larger than life bet-Louis. 

The truth hit them for what felt like the hundredth time in the past hour and a half, _Louis_ _was omega._ The “beta” that danced with the press and headlines since they started the band was no beta at all. 

They were in the middle of what felt like the climax episode of some 1980s drama that glorified the sickening feeling you suppose the supporting characters ”get” when the main character turns out to be a suppressed omega. 

A illegal and dark trade, suppression stories were still all over the world and they had only grown after the introduction of the Banana Pill. Omegas forced into or willingly suppressing their gender were dropping like flies because of the drug, and pain stabbed through them at the thought that Louis might be the next of the news or an article. 

Liam let Steven explain what was happening to the beta at the desk, fear and his racing heart fueling his pounding footsteps as he finally slammed to a stop in front of room 2828. 

The door was locked and Liam pushed his shoulder into it, “Louis!” 

Silence echoed down the hall and Harry was the next to bang at the door, “Fuck, come on,” he looked at Liam, eyes blazing. 

They shared a moment of understanding and then they were breaking the door open, Liam wanted to tell Niall to stay in the hall so his omega wouldn’t have to see what they all feared they would find, but Niall shoved past them and was banging around the room only to shove open the balcony door and freeze. 

Harry caught Niall before he could fall to his knees, wrapping up his omega in an embrace and then freezing himself at the sight of Louis. He was laying there, cell phone laying centimeters from his outstretched and limp hand. A cigarette was burning on the metal grate and the only thing Louis still had a hold of was the knife in his left hand, blood tacky on the surface. 

He would've looked peaceful, asleep like that, his feet dangling between the railing and the dark accusation of the mark against the fold of his neck and shoulder, if it weren’t for the blood. Louis' hand was stained red, leaving its mark with the red thumbprint left on the phone. It all seemed far too much like a crime scene to be real. Zayn was the one who bent down and pressed two of his fingers against Louis’ neck, the rest of the pack unable to understand how they were meant to react in this kind of situation. 

“Louis?” Niall’s whimper was interrupted as two paramedics appeared and the sound of sirens suddenly shattered what they thought was silence. 

One of the paramedics, a female alpha smiled at them softly, “We’re gonna have to ask you to step outside,” Niall went to protest but the older woman just ushered them out anyway while her partner knelt next to Louis. 

“I assume one of you will be riding with him to the hospital?”

All of them went to say yes, but Zayn was nodding first, “I will.”

The paramedic tried to continue talking, keep their eyes from drifting back in the direction of the balcony, but then the male beta paramedic was shouting her name, “Chrissy!”

She left them there in the hall, as she darted back into the room. Niall was sobbing into Liam’s chest after Harry had begun to pace and Zayn stared at his hands, fingertips still numb from pressing into the cold, clammy skin of Louis’ neck, the faint flutter of life he had felt not enough to convince Zayn that he hadn’t just seen his best friend dead.

Paul caught their attention, Steven right behind him as they jogged down the hall, “Louis?”

The only answer the alpha needed came in the form of the two paramedics carrying Louis out of the room on one of the backboard things. A pale hand hung limply over the edge and Harry felt his stomach roll as all of them followed after the sharp smell of nothing that they had always associated with Louis. 

Liam had to physically carry Niall back to the SUV to get the omega away from the ambulance that Zayn was climbing in the back of, his hand wrapping around Louis’ cold one. 

Zayn barely acknowledged his mates’ absence as the male paramedic began checking Louis’ eyes, peeling back his eyelids and shining a light. Then his hand was pressing into Louis’ stomach and he must’ve not liked what he found because he called to the front, “Hurry!”

Louis and Zayn had just clicked when they first met and inevitably they had become partners in crime. They had pranked everyone on the crew much to their annoyance, but all of that, the pranks, the shared cigarettes, and afternoon skates had become few and far between after Zayn had joined the courting between Liam and Niall, followed by Harry. 

Guilt rushed through him, they never even had a chance to notice how closed-off Louis had become. All the little things Zayn had noticed and then forgotten because he was whirled back into his future mating began to stack up in his head and they dizzied him, bile rising in the back of his throat. 

He shifted his hand to brush through Louis’ fringe, his voice cracking lightly as he stopped fighting his tears. He didn’t care that it was unalphalike to cry, if he, if they lost Louis, nothing would ever be okay again, “Hold on, Lou. We’ll make it up to you, I swear. Hang on for us, flower, so we can finally see you bloom.”

* * *

Niall had always noticed how small Louis was, how small his waist was, not to mention his arse. His personality was larger than life, so beta and loud, but something had always itched the back of his mind that Louis just  _ wasn’t _ beta-like. He had ignored it of course, because Louis smelled and acted like a beta, why should Niall question it because he was a fucking beautiful one with the perfect body an omega would kill for and the one Niall drooled over. 

But he had never seen Louis as small as he did when they carried him into that ambulance, the dark circles he had never thought to actually look at, the little white crescent scars on his hands from what had to be years of self-discipline, all of it hit Niall in that moment as he was ushered into the car by his Alpha, Harry lingering a little longer before joining them, both of them sandwiching Niall into a hug as if by sheer force it would stop him for crumbling in on himself. 

_ He should’ve questioned it. _

* * *

Harry and Louis were called Larry Stylinson before the pack went public for a reason. Nothing had happened between them, nothing could considering Louis had been beta and Harry and alpha. Not even soulmates could transcend those gender lines. Alpha’s needed to take care of someone, to be able to pop a knot without seriously injuring their partner, and have kids. Betas are able to provide none of those. So they became the perfect definition of platonic twin flames.

Harry had loved Louis for a time before and for a while after he had joined the pack. Every part of him had hoped that Louis would present late, that he would be omega and they could be together. Now he’s here, holding his mate while the shards of his broken heart tear through his stomach and hit the ground. 

He had distanced himself from Louis so he could love Niall and Liam and Zayn with everything he had and tried to let go of the silly part of him that would probably never stop loving Louis.

Harry wished he could take every inch of that distance back because then maybe, just maybe he would’ve seen just how easily they all could’ve loved Louis Tomlinson. 

* * *

Liam remembered the day he met Louis just as clearly as the day Zayn and Harry told him that they thought he should be head Alpha. If he hadn’t smelt the identifying lack of scent that all betas had, he would’ve sworn the boy, loudness and all, was an omega. But then Louis had flipped him off firmly when he was caught staring and all doubt of his gender had fled without suspicion.

The eldest of the band had been the bane of Liam’s life from the moment they were put together. Then halfway through the Up All Night tour, Liam had realized that if Louis were to up and leave, he would miss him. He had become attached to the flamboyant beta and while they bickered and fought only as a dominant alpha and stubborn beta could, they had settled into an understanding of each other that transcended words.

Liam was Alpha. He was the ultimate protector of his pack. He had thought that he had been protecting the pack by denying every fleeting thought of doubt that Louis was beta. When the courting began and their band switched from  _ NiallHarryLouisZaynLiam  _ to  _ NiallHarryLiamZayn _ and  _ Louis,  _ Liam had believed that distance to be for the best because then his pack would be safe from loving a beta in a way that their genders could never allow. 

He never thought that Louis might have been the one who needed protecting. 

* * *

Louis had flirted with death since the first time a pill was shoved down his throat. He had never suspected it to be so...loud.

All the literature, the paintings, the stories he had heard about death described some peaceful, infinite nothingness that swallowed you and spit you back out into whatever existed afterwards. 

Louis was not at peace, the constant dull beep that resounded in the darkness echoing inside him into what felt like a heartbeat. 

Death was cold, and in all the hours Louis had thought about it, all the times he had held that razor to his wrist before putting it back into a hidden place, he had wanted to escape the cruel world around him and go someplace warm, someplace nice. 

It was as if Louis was swimming across an icy river in the middle of the night, whispers of something or someone brushing over his ankles and threatening to pull him under if he dared to stop moving. 

He was almost tempted to stop, to allow himself to drown, but something called to him, lower and lighter than a wisp of air that painted something warm and familiar over his skin. 

Louis’ was tired and whatever he thought he had been searching for seemed too far out of his reach to ever find. So he closed his eyes and let himself be dragged lower until the water closed over his eyes, submerged into what he knew would end in true death. 

Pressure clogged his ears and the beeping finally faded into nothingness as Louis braced himself for the one thing he had craved yet never understood he wanted: peace, death; really they were the same thing and Louis was about to receive his share. 

But a hand wrapped around his wrist and Louis broke the surface with a gasp, eyes opening and found himself surrounded by white.

* * *

“Yeah, mum, nothing yet,” Harry mumbled into the phone, “Lou would really appreciate you going to watch over the girls.”

His voice cracked and Anne hummed sympathetically,  _ “He’ll be okay, Haz, and then he’ll be able to thank me himself. Keep us updated?” _

“Of course, I love you, bye.”

Falling back into the plastic chair, Harry joined his mates in staring at the long hallway that they had wheeled Louis down what felt like days ago. One of the more private waiting rooms had been closed off in preparation for the outpouring of fans that would show up after paps leaked pics of the pack rushing to the hospital. 

Niall was tucked into Zayn’s lap, staring blankly as they all waited for a doctor, a nurse, anybody to make the walk and tell them everything was okay, that Louis was gonna be okay.

When the clack of shoes matched the swish of a white doctor’s jacket, they shot up from their seats, scrambling to ask questions. The doctor in front of them looked exhausted, “Your friend is suffering the effects of long term suppression. He’s extremely lucky that there is only light scarring to his vital organs, really the only reason he’s probably still alive is that he was starving himself.”

The sentence sent a wave of horror through the entire room, “ _ starving himself.” _

“The suppressants usually cause the most damage to the kidneys and stomach, in this case it seems that they began to attack the fat he was trying to lose. That also means that he was lacking large amounts of nutrients. We’ve put him on a feeding tube, and we’re keeping him off all pain medication to rid him of a drug we found lingering in his system.” 

“Drug? What drug? He hasn’t had anything in over twenty-four hours,” Liam’s voice was edging on angry and a hand smoothed over his back, Zayn. 

“The drug is a pill that is commonly used to make someone throw up, it has effects similar to cocaine and usually remains in the bloodstream for a few days. I will warn you now, he is in an extremely fragile state and will not be anywhere near lucid until the suppressants and other drugs are flushed out of his system. He’s been hallucinating violently since he woke up-“ Niall made a high sound, concerned as his eyes darted down the hallway, “and normally I would not allow anyone near him. But he needs familiarity or he’ll go back into the comatose state you found him in. He needs to anchor to something here.”

“So we can see him?” Zayn pressed, feet already shifting forward. 

The doctor, Dr. Keller sighed and nodded, “Follow me. Your security can remain outside the door, but no one else may go inside.”

The pace they set down the hall felt sluggish, but Liam knew that even if they ran it wouldn’t feel fast enough. Niall seemed to agree they were moving too slow because he broke ahead of the group checking every room he passed as he ran down the halls. 

He turned a corner and froze in front of one of the glass windows, mouth falling open as he gasped, not out of the tears he thought he had no more of when he arrived in the waiting room, “Oh god.”

“Niall,” Liam scolded as he caught Niall around the waist and turned his attention to the room. 

Louis was curled into a ball, hand yanking at his hair violently as his sons were silenced by the door. A nurse was trying to approach the frantic omega when Dr. Keller appeared behind them, “Fuck!”

She slammed open the door and grabbed a needle that they assumed was filled with a sedative when Zayn stopped her with a firm hand on her shoulder and a glare while his mates approached their friend, “He’s had enough drugs forced into him.”

“Louis, it’s okay, wherever you think you are, it’s not real. You’re okay, you’re safe,” Liam’s voice was softer than a lullaby as his hand pried Louis’ fingers from his hair and gently spoke to the omega, careful of the bandage wrapped around Louis' injured hand. The omega flinched from him but didn’t try to escape the light grip Liam had around his wrists. Instead glassy, empty eyes filled with tears looked up at the ceiling as small hands clawed harmlessly at his chest, pleading, “Please let me out, mum. Don’t wanna be in here anymore. I’ll be good, I-I promise.”

There was a pause before Louis was crying harder, “I’m sorry. I’ll take the pills, I’m sorry, please please just let me out,” he shrunk in on himself, the sobs that tore from his chest hitting Liam like bullets. 

“I can’t go another day, please pleasepleaseplease, just let me out. LET ME OUT!” 

The pained scream had Niall sinking to the floor, a hand covering his mouth as he watched his Alpha try to stop Louis from falling into pieces made up of nothing more than pain, memories, blood, and tears.

* * *

**_BREAKING NEWS: Is Louis Tomlinson, One Direction’s Beta Actually Omega?_ ** _ An anonymous source tells us that they saw Louis being loaded into the back of an ambulance accompanied by bandmate Zayn, while Zayn’s mates and Louis’ remaining band mates climbed into an SUV absolutely frantic amongst shouted words of ‘comatose,’ ‘suppressants,’ and ‘weak pulse.’ Is it true? Is the enigmatic beta really an omega? Or is this just another ploy of the beta to gain the attention of the tabloids?  _


	8. “what if i’m someone you don’t want around?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi this is complete shit. i am so sorry but like i literally don’t know how to write this chapter that bridges into louis telling his story without it being shit. this will probably be edited later but i am swamped with homework and i’m so tired cause i haven’t slept in two days
> 
> so i hope you guys can bear with me, it’ll get better next chapter (hopefully)
> 
> let me know what you think! enjoy as much as you can :)
> 
> *chapter warnings* emotional wreckage, panic attack (? not really but kinda), the pov is none existent it switches with out indication but you’ll like understand it i think, language, idk what else i’m sorry, louis thinks people should hate him aka the title of the chapter idk

When Liam let go of Louis’ wrists, the omega had dozed off into a sort of half consciousness, his eyes open but blank, fingers twitching uselessly against his thighs where his hands fell. He stayed like that for the next two days, not moving or speaking until one of his demons, invisible and ugly reared its head and set Louis off into the dark place where not even his screams could be contained, the sobbing, broken emotion filling the room as he fought to free himself from whoever he was hallucinating. 

If hearing his best friend scream and beg through so many situations didn’t make Niall want to throw up, it was the part of his mind that never failed to remind him that everything Louis was seeing, feeling, everything he was saying had probably happened to him. They were more likely than not memories that had been suppressed just as much of not more than his gender. 

When Louis first said the name, Niall felt anger coursing through his bond but he wasn’t even sure that it wasn’t coming from him.

He was sure that every single person in this room wanted to kill  _ Lindsay.  _

When Louis had driven off in that cab, Liam had woken up the entire crew, all of whom didn’t seem to upset when they realized it was for Louis, and then when Zach asked why Louis had run off, Liam looked hesitant, but Niall had blurted out, “He’s an omega.”

Steven had looked stunned, Paul punched a trailer, similar reactions mirroring throughout the crew, expressions darkening as the weight of the situation had begun to weigh on them. 

They all had a single motivation,  _ find Louis,  _ or they might have found out who had suppressed the omega and killed them right then and there.

Lindsay had been slinking in the corner the whole time they tried to find Louis, her face red and angry, and Niall had just thought that she was as shocked and as upset as they were when her phone rang, “Who-“ she snapped into the receiver, but then a soft broken voice was filtering through the receiver. 

_ Louis,  _ Niall had wanted to say something, grab the phone and punch Louis through it for not calling them first, but then Liam was hushing him with a hand on the shoulder. His Alpha’s eyes were narrowed on their management rep, who was shifting around nervously at all the people looking at her.

“Louis, shut the fuck up-”

Then Liam was grabbing the phone from her hands and putting it on speaker, Louis’ confession bleeding out with his words, staining Lindsay’s hands red with accusation. Liam had roared, Harry and Zayn holding him back from tearing into the management rep who had apparently been partially responsible for it.

But Zach, a beta in all senses of the word, had no one holding him back and was suddenly loomed over Lindsay in the realization that she had been a part of Louis’ suppression. Niall itched to follow when Lindsay was pushed away by a righteously pissed off Mark and Zach, but then Louis was responding to Liam’s growled, ‘Where are you?’ 

Niall would never forget that phone call, sitting here, Harry’s head on his lap, it replayed in his head, echoing painfully as he stared at Louis, who had finally fallen asleep, still curled in on himself with the tears on his cheeks shining dully under the lights. 

Liam was sitting the closest to Louis, head resting on the white sheets, eyes fallen shut as the darkness of night fell through the blinds and brushed across the floor. Niall couldn’t sleep, not when Louis was still dangling by an unstable string that seemed able to snap at any second. 

“Babe,” Niall looked up at Zayn, his eyes blurry, and  _ he hadn’t even realized he had been crying again,  _ “You need to sleep, it’s not healthy.”

“I don’t care,” he realized that his short shout had echoed in the room and lowered his voice, eyes darting to Louis, “I’m not leaving him.”

Zayn sighed, pressing a lingering kiss to his forehead, “You’d be right here, babe, it’s not leaving him.”

Niall laughed, the sound grating and empty, “We’ve been with him for years and that didn’t stop him from being alone. He was- he was being suppressed, and  _ fuck, _ ” tears bled through his eyelashes and Zayn gripped his hand, sadness reflecting back at him in the alpha’s eyes, “we didn’t notice. He was alone for so long and I just, I can’t sleep and risk him waking up and feeling alone all over again.”

Zayn didn’t answer, but with a sidelong glance at his alpha, Niall noticed, Zayn’s jaw clenching as he settled into the chair next to him, “Should we wake Liam and Haz?”

Niall smiled lightly, still edged slightly by worry and fatigue, “What do you think they’d say?”

“I think they’d be angry with us for letting them fall asleep in the first place.”

A laugh was on the tip of Niall’s tongue, his response bubbling up inside him when a soft murmur caught his attention and then a louder, very familiar voice croaking out, “What the fuck?” 

* * *

Louis felt like he had been put through a shredder and then clumsily put back together with the colorful kid bandaids that didn’t really do anything except look pretty. 

He squeezed his eyes tighter shut as pain rushed through his senses and he shifted, fingers twisting around cotton sheets that were definitely not his own. 

“What the fuck?” his hand felt sluggish raising to his eyes, knuckles digging to remove the sleep that felt like glue on his lash line. 

“Louis!” 

That was definitely Niall, and Louis felt his head fall back onto a pillow, eyes still closed as exhaustion joined the pain racing through him, “Flower, did I get hit with a bus?” he mumbled.

“Darli-“

_“I’ll_ _give you what all the whores like you want, darling.”_

Louis flinched at the name that Zayn had begun to say, his eyes finally snapping open and darting around frantically, relaxing when he realized that there wasn’t the prickle of cloves against his senses and his body relaxed. 

Then he realized that he was in fact in the hospital. 

Nerves flooded him and his ribs constricted painfully as he pushed himself up and went to rip out the IVs, heart fluttering violently against his chest. 

Hands were gripping his and pushing him back onto the pillow before he got far, Liam and Zayn hovering over him as Harry stood at the foot of the bed and Niall had his hip propped up next to his head, “How the hell did I get here?”

His voice snapped against his own ears like a rubber band and he winced, “You don’t remember?” 

It wasn’t Harry’s words that made it click into place, but the way that Niall was looking at him, eyes soft and worried as they rested on the dark mark Louis could feel lingering on his neck, that made Louis’ head hurt with the whirling memories of last night. 

Every time Louis had thought of the pack finding out and the resounding confrontation that would follow, he had always thought he would be reduced to a panicked frenzy whose world was collapsing so quickly that he couldn’t even get a word in. 

But here he was, faced with the reality he had feared for so long and all he could do was fiddle with his fingers and whisper, “You know.”

Louis wished he could’ve forced his voice up, make it a question with the hope that the answer could’ve been, ‘Know what?’ Liam nodded, “Yeah, we know.”

Louis had been right about his world falling apart. But instead of a crash, a loud, heavy destruction of everything he had built; it was a slow crumble of all the walls he had built, slow and surprisingly soft in the background to the silence that rang around him. 

“I-“ his voice cracked, “I’m sorry, if that helps any. I never, I never meant for you guys to..”

“Find out?” 

Niall’s whisper, upset and betrayed, felt like a punch to the gut and Louis hunched over, his arms wrapping around himself. His nails dug into his sides and he shrugged, “I know it’s inconvenient, I just, I can go back on them. It’ll be easier.”

When he was met with silence, Louis felt his heart fall, crushed beneath another piece of tumbling rock as he broke apart.  _ They just want a beta. You’re only good as a beta. _

Tears pushed against his lash line and Louis fought them back, but then a hand was wrapping against his chin and Liam was in his face, expression stern but soft with sadness. 

“You are never taking another pill. Do you understand?”

Louis looked wide eyed as similar expressions echoed in his band mates, Niall nodding his approval, “Look at me, Louis.”

Blue eyes fixed on the familiar brown eyes only to find them wet with unushed tears,  _ You made Alpha cry, bad. You’re so bad. They’ll never care about you.  _

“Promise me,” It was low and filled with emotion, but it was nowhere near an alpha command, “Promise me you won’t take them again.”

Louis, still crumbling on the inside, fell apart on the outside, eyes still fixed on Liam’s as tears tumbled down his face and his nails pressed harder into his sides, “They won’t let me,” he cried, trembling in Liam’s grip. 

“Whoever they are, they can’t hurt you anymore,” Niall’s voice and the smell of honeyed raspberries wrapped around him, “I won’t let them. Just like I won’t let you take another one of those pills.”

“I lied to you,” Louis looked to the left, met with Zayn, whose face was twisted in concern. He knew what he was supposed to do if they hated him, Louis didn’t know how to handle  _ this. _

When Zayn just nodded softly and brushed lightly at his tears without a response, Louis wanted to yell, his nails tore into his skin, his whimper far too quiet for the plea they presented.

“You're supposed to hate me!”

Louis’ voice sounded so broken, so confused and upset that Zayn wanted to so much more than brush away his tears. He wanted to take away every ache and bad memory that had the omega curling away from them, the blank nothingness of his scent sparked with something else. 

Zayn paled with realization and just as Liam had lunged for Louis, right arm, Zayn grabbed his left and pried his fingers away from his ribs. Tears in the hospital gown were bloodied and the alpha wanted to throw up as his finger wrapped around Louis’ hand, blood sticking to his own. 

Louis was mumbling incoherently, head rocking from side to side against the pillow, struggling against their grips. 

“One day you'll come into my world and say it all. You say we'll be together even when you're lost,” Liam’s voice was soft, and Louis quieted a little, sniffling as he stared up at them, confused. 

Zayn followed the Alpha’s lead, “One day you'll say these words. I thought but never said. You’ll say we're better off together in our bed.”

Louis was still crying but he didn’t try to move when Liam and Zayn loosened their grips and moved to sit on the edge of the bed, “want you here with me like how I pictured it. So I don't have to keep imagining..”

When they harmonized on the chorus, Louis pressed his face into Niall’s hip, the omega being the closest, while Liam peeled back the gown and began to press ointment into the bloody tears before bandaging over them. 

They didn’t sing his part but Louis felt the lyrics reverberating in his bones,  _ You're all I want. So much it’s hurting.  _

“Lou?” 

Louis looked up at Harry, who looked like the words he wanted to say were sour, his face twisted with early regret, “When? Was it Lindsay? Or..”

He had known the question would come eventually, and he sighed, “I was-”

“Glad to know your plan on informing me when my patient woke up,” Louis let his attention fall to the blonde alpha in the doorway, her hand propped on her hip as she raised an eyebrow and pointed to the door, “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some things to discuss with my parents.”

Liam’s growl rumbled through the air but the Doctor looked unaffected, “Feel free to be as Alpha as you want in the hall. I’m not going to hurt your omega, now please,” she gestured to the door and the pack filed out reluctantly, Niall kissing Louis on the cheek and glaring at the doctor before he joined his alphas in pressing against the glass. They watched as Dr. Keller pulled a chair next to the bed and smiled at Louis, shaking his hand. 

They couldn’t hear anything through the glass, but they watched as Louis’ expressions shifted and darkened slightly before he nodded, tense. 

Thirty minutes later, Dr. Keller was leaving the room and Louis was tucked into the bed, on his side as he stared at the window, heart clenching nervously. 

“What did you say to him?” Zayn stopped the doctor’s walk down the hall, his voice edging with anger as he watched Niall approach Louis through the glass. 

“He has a psychological evaluation tomorrow morning. Not only because he was found after suspected suicidal intent, but because a lifetime of suppression fucks survivors up to the point where they wished the pills killed them. It’s a requirement to be cleared before they can leave. Louis wants to leave but he is stubborn and doesn’t want any help,” she took a deep breath, the subject seemed sensitive, “Do me a favor? I’ve seen way too many of these cases where the alpha friends treat them like a beta because that’s what they’re used to. You’re going to have to take care of him or find someone to do it until he can take care of himself.”

“We’ll have no trouble with that,” Zayn didn’t turn at Liam’s voice, he had known the Alpha had stayed in the hall with him, “He’s our best friend.”

Dr. Keller nodded lightly, her eyes switching back to cold professionalism, “I suggest you accompany him to the appointment if he’ll let you, it can be difficult to...remember. 9:30 a.m., a nurse will be there to take you where he needs to go.”

Her heels clicked down the hall, “Dr.Keller!”

The alpha halted at Zayn’s voice, her head moving so they could see her side profile, “Thank you. I, none of us ever got to thank you for saving him.”

A small smile curved her lips, “It’s my job, Mr. Malik. Don’t fuck him up more and you’ll never need to thank me.”

Liam’s arm wrapped around Zayn’s shoulder, “We’ll take care of him, babe.”

“I just hope he lets us, Li,” Zayn looked at the bed where Louis was weakly braiding Harry’s hair with fumbling fingers, “Seeing him in that ambulance, in that motel room, I just-”

“I know,” Liam whispered, his words soaked with something heavy and sad. 

“The mark-”

Liam’s chest rumbled angrily and Zayn knew his mate was grinding his teeth, “If they were put into a room with Lindsay and whoever put him on those damn suppressants, I’d have a hard time deciding who to kill first.”

“You wouldn’t have to pick,” Zayn muttered, “You know that all of us would be in there with you.”

“Think Niall would-”

Niall looked up at them as if he could sense their words, a sharp, grim smile floating above the clench of his jaw while he filled a glass of water. Zayn hummed, “I think he would kill all of them if we let him.”

* * *

_**BREAKING NEWS: Lindsay Harp, One Direction’s Modest Management Representative Seen Led Away in Handcuffs!** An arrest? Lindsay Harp was seen being led away in a cop car early Wednesday morning after One Direction officially cancelled their concert due to ‘unforeseen circumstances.’ Could the cancellation be related to the fact that Louis Tomlinson is suspected to be hospitalized for suppression? Could both be related to the arrest? Find more out at our twitter:  **@dailymail_official** _


	9. “the spaces between us, they hold all [his] secrets, leaving us speechless”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> op this chapter is LONG like five thousand words long
> 
> i wouldn’t call it angst but it is mostly louis telling a decently vague timeline of everything
> 
> i feel soooo much better about this chapter so i really hope you guys like it :):):)
> 
> please let me know what you think! thank you for giving my story a chance, i hope it lives up to your expectations!
> 
> enjoy :)
> 
> *chapter warnings* mentions of past abuse, language, talk of suicidal thoughts, mentions of sexual assault, emotional TRAUMA, minor angst? idk if it is you tell me lol, uhhhhhh idk self deprecating thoughts, self-discipline (kinda self harm), and extensive talk about suppressant use/suppression

Louis waited until the pack had fallen asleep before silently slipping out of bed, wincing when he pulled the IVs out of his skin. He was barefoot and the tiles pressed into his feet, chilling as he stumbled toward the door of his room. Cringing when the door creaked slightly, Louis pressed the door open as slowly as he could before darting out of the room and into the safety of the dim hall. 

He could hear the practically silent chatter of what he assumed was a nurse station up ahead and turned left, walking down the hallway that was shadowed and shifting slightly as Louis felt his head spin. Ignoring the fact that he really shouldn’t be out of bed and walking around after dark, Louis padded across the hall, eyes running up and down the bland walls. 

He snatched a few pieces of paper from an abandoned notebook he found on one of the wooden tables that dotted along the hallway, the pencil tucked into its spine dotted with stickers that he felt bad for taking. Then Louis found himself on the roof, the breeze brushing through his hair and cooling his skin. 

Propping the door open so he could get back inside, Louis ventured to the edge, peering down at Edinburgh in the early hours. It must’ve been close to four in the morning, not at all too unrealistic for him to be awake on a normal day, but it wasn’t exactly what would be described as “normal.” He settled there, back to the edge and pressed the paper against his thigh, pencil poised as he closed his eyes and let the wind wash over him. 

Song writing had always been his coping skill. Even before he had been allowed any say on the albums they produced, Louis had scribbled down disconnected lyrics into his journal, some left unfinished, others finally formed into semblances of songs. When the pack’s courting had become serious, to the point where it was the four of them dating and not just one of them with Niall at a time, Louis had found himself far too focused on being alone, unable to ever find something like they did, that he sat down and wrote. Julian had found one of his ideas that he had crumpled up and thrown in the studio trash can, what he thought had been useless, and ended up convincing Louis to actually write for the album. 

He threw himself into the task, holing up in the studio for days at a time when they had time off, popping off ideas to Julian until someone would have to drag both of them away from the work. His favourite was when the pack had stumbled across him and Julian messing around with a bass mix, humming lyrics. It had started with mixed surprise that Louis was there instead of out partying considering it had been a Saturday night and ended with Niall screaming, “I LOVE K-F-C!” The laughter had eventually dissolved and three days later, they were recording Midnight Memories. 

That was really the most that Louis had worked with the pack on the album, most of the time when he left the studio, notebook messy with sticky notes and loose pieces of paper, he had reminded Julian, ‘“We wrote it, not just me, so before you go off telling everyone, don’t say it was me.”

He had to be invisible in real life and the transparency of his songs was all too risky to be known. 

Louis sighed, eyes still closed as he searched for something, anything that would allow him to bleed out his emotions through words scribbled onto paper from a Spider-Man notebook. When it hit him, his pencil dug into the paper, furious as he tried to imprint everything the words meant to him into something two-dimensional. 

* * *

_ the spaces between us _

_ they keep getting deeper _

_ it’s harder to reach you _

_ even though i try _

_ spaces between us _

_ hold all our secrets _

_ leaving us speechless _

_ and i don't know why _

* * *

He must have fallen asleep because next thing he knew, his name was echoing up the staircase followed by the pounding of footsteps. The sun peeked over the edge of the horizon and Louis rubbed at his eyes as he sat up from the slouch he had fallen into. Luckily his papers were trapped under his hand and he groaned as Harry appeared out of breath at the door, eyes falling on Louis. The alpha visibly relaxed at the sight, rushing over to help Louis up as the rest of the pack and Paul appeared. 

“What were you thinking?” Harry stressed as Liam joined in checking to see if he was okay. Niall was glaring at him and Louis just lifted the papers, folded so the lyrics he had figured out weren’t visible. 

“I wanted somewhere quiet to write,” he grumbled, pushing his friends away and brushing at the hospital gown he was wearing, “I’m fine. I didn’t mean to fall asleep.”

Zayn’s voice was low, so alpha-like for his calm friend that Louis felt his inner omega reeling back, dizzied, “You don’t just sneak off in the middle of the night when you’re supposed to be on bed rest.”

Louis wanted to roll his eyes,  _ that’s what a beta would do,  _ he shook the thought away slightly, the clench of his fists loosening as he just shrugged, “sorry,” before Niall was hugging him. 

“You stupid cunt, worried the crap outta me,” was murmured into his neck and Louis relaxed against Niall. 

“M’sorry, flower,” Louis breathed, warmth bleeding into him, “I’ll make it up to you?”

The back of the gown was gaping open at the top, the air brushing over his shoulder blades before a warm hand was drifting over his spine, Louis fought to keep his breath from hitching,  _ Nononono, stop thinking like that. Niall would never want you. They’ll never want you.  _

“Let us be with you when you talk to the doctor.”

Louis felt his skin go cold, pulling back and pushing his hand through his hair, “You mean the shrink?” his laugh cut through the wind, sharp and cold, “I don’t need-”

“Help?” Niall twisted his mouth and when he shivered, Liam wrapped around him to keep his omega warm. Louis ignored the trill in his stomach,  _ you can’t be jealous of something you don’t understand,  _ “I believe that is part of the reason they want you to talk to someone, Lou. You have to go regardless.”

Louis’ mouth opened, protest wetting his lips, but Niall glared at him, “If you want to go home, you have to, are you gonna let us be there with you?”

The refusal was easier, they wouldn’t have to hear the answers to the questions he knew he would be asked. But the fear that was spreading through him mixed with dreadful anticipation and froze his response, he glanced down at the papers in his hand,  _ fuck, he was so stupid.  _

“Okay.”

* * *

Louis found himself curled up on a couch, reattached to an IV despite his protest because apparently he still “needed nutrients.” Harry was next to him, arm thrown across the back, behind Louis' head, making it all too hard for Louis to lean forward and away from the temptation to lean back against his best friend. Niall had claimed Louis’ left side, hand firmly tucked in his. Liam was glaring at the doctor, distrust in his eyes,  _ he doesn’t want someone strange around Niall. He wants to protect his omega,  _ Louis tore his eyes away, Zayn’s presence behind them as calming as the rush of smoke after the first pull of a good cigarette. 

The doctor, or shrink as Louis called him, was an average looking male that smelled like neutralizing spray but something told Louis that he was anything but a beta. 

“Why would an alpha use neutralizing spray?”

The scratch of pencil on his notes agitated Louis, his free hand tightening on his thigh, the small smile on rose lips was light, but Louis found himself looking for any hidden malice. 

“So you recognize it?” 

Louis scoffed, fingers fiddling with the sweats he had been given to wear, “What do you think?”

Dr. Welkins tilted his head, unaffected by Louis’ sass, “I want to hear what you have to say. Neutralizing spray, did you use it?”

Louis nodded, “The suppressants don't-didn't, they didn’t always cover up the smell of omega.”

The alpha hummed, eyes fixed on Louis in a way that had the omega squirming slightly because no one ever really  _ looked  _ at him. 

“Let’s start at the beginning shall we? Your name?”

Another snort, “You know my name, it’s on your file.”

Again, no change from the polite emotion, “It’s all for a reason, your name please?”

“Louis William Tomlinson.”

“When did the suppression start? Tell me the story.”

His feet numbed, tongue dry as he stared at his hands head tilted as if he couldn’t remember suddenly, “I-I-”

A hand rubbed at his neck and he couldn’t stop the slight flinch before he relaxed slightly, the words coming out slowly, “I was eleven when I started displaying the signs of presentation. The fever, the neediness, I remember the look on my mother’s face when she dragged me out of the grocery store when I had whined because I was no more than an hour away from going into the presentation heat. I also remember when she ripped me out of the car that she had parked haphazardly in the driveway and yelled for my dad.

“The girls were at dance or something of that sort, those details are hazy, I know the house was empty except for the three of us when my dad stormed out of his office, worried before he realized,” his voice trailed off into something quieter, fragile with the memory, “he had a whiny bitch whore as a son.”

He heard the sharp intakes of breath around him, Niall’s hand squeezing his, but Louis kept his eyes on the tile floor that his shoes were trying to scuff, “Mark, my dad, he uh, he had some sort of contact I guess and thirty minutes later my mother and father popped the pill in my mouth and made me swallow it.”

“So you’ve never had a heat?”

Louis shook his head, embarrassment brushing over his cheeks and crawling up his neck. Dr. Welkins flipped a page, circled something and jotted down another note. 

“I want to go into the actual suppressants later, for now why don’t we talk about high school.”

Shrugging, Louis felt his eyes dart around the room, the bland walls of the office only occupied by diplomas, “It was fine. I learned how to be a beta.”

“Through classes?”

When Louis didn’t answer, the alpha sighed, taking off his glasses and folding them in his lap, “Louis, it’s important to talk about this. Whatever you’re thinking, it’s not invalid or crazy.”

“If I was too soft or needy, too omega my mum had this closet. She would lock me in there, for days sometimes, until she thought that I had learned my lesson. My dad didn’t like that,” Louis shuddered slightly, instinctively trying to curl in on himself, “thought it was too easy on me. I learned to lock it away after a while, especially around him. It got easier and then I turned eighteen.

“Eighteen meant freedom to me for a long time,” Louis’ eyebrows furrowed at his past naivety, “I was planning to stop once I moved out from my home, but then I was on the X-Factor after Lottie signed me up.”

“Why did you stay on the suppressants then?”

Louis knew that they all could guess and he wanted to say that, but he chewed at his lip, “I was stupid, eighteen and I went into the contract meeting alone. There was already one male omega, two was just not sellable. They could sell me as a beta, their headline.”

“You signed?” 

It wasn’t the doctor, but Niall who sounded far too pained and dull for the shining omega, “I didn’t have a choice.”

“Louis,” Dr. Welkins gained his attention again, “tell me about management,” he looked at a page, “specifically Lindsay.”

Louis couldn’t help the flinch, a base reaction to the name, he cleared his throat and he looked around instinctively, “T-they gave me the suppressants.”

It sounded so dumb and Louis mentally berated himself, “They always had me out and about, no time to let anyone get close enough to know that I was anything less than I pretended to be. I was their headline.”

The sounds of writing were too loud and Louis gritted his teeth as he followed the movement,  _ he’s writing about you. How shit you were as a beta and how much worse you’ll be as a stupid bitch.  _

“And Lindsay?”

His heart pounded, feet tingling as his throat constricted, “I-I don’t want to, um, I, no. Do-Don’t want to t-talk about that, uh, h-her.”

Louis hadn’t realized he had dug his nails into his thigh until Harry’s hand was over his, “It’s okay, Lou,” brushing quietly against his ear, “You’re good.” 

Harry pried his fingers away and let Louis flex them, “It’s important that you talk about her.”

Louis wanted to vomit, “I-”

“She was a bitch,” he finally croaked, “Her and Carl they, they had a sick enjoyment in my pain. They sure caused a lot of it to get off to. Lindsay was in charge of me, she controlled me completely. She never let me get a word in edgewise.”

“And how did she stop you?”

Not knowing how to soften it, Louis murmured, “She told me.”

Zayn’s soft growl and Niall’s low gasp, preceded the cool response from the shrink, “She gave you alpha command.”

Louis nodded, his hand separating from Niall’s so he could bring his knees to his chest, “Ca-can we move on?”

“Of course. Let’s talk about the suppressants?”

An affirmation had Dr. Welkins motioning with his hand, “Do you know any of the names of the pills you took?”

When the omega shook his head, the doctor sighed, “Can you describe them for me?”

“The first ones I took from my presentation to X-Factor. So seven years? They were small pink ovals, tasted like…” his nose scrunched.

“Fish?” 

He laughed lightly, “Yeah. Nasty buggers.”

“Those are  _ Monodazole _ , mild suppressants, but they do cause irritability and fatigue, do you remember an access of this symptoms?”

Shrugging, Louis nodded, “I guess so, it was so long ago.”

“Alright,” another line was written, “Next.”

“They were grey, slightly squared, I don’t remember a lot about them,” Louis searched for the memory, still hazy from the past day, “was on them for three months maybe?”

“Mood swings?”

Louis nodded and the Welkins drew the word out as he wrote it, “ _ Insoprodol.” _

“Then the blue ones, they dissolved in water and they would give them to me in water bottles. They liked how conspicuous they were,” he pressed the pads of his fingers into the space between Harry and him, eyes following the movement of them on the couch as they tapped out a mindless rhythm.

“ _ Timostirin _ . How long?”

“Almost a year, but I got too used to them and they had to change them. The next ones lasted nine months, they were Lindsay’s favourite,” his mouth went dry, “I was more...susceptible to her, but the side effects were getting ‘too noticeable.’ I got a lot of bloody noses, they ran the story that I was on cocaine.”

He heard Liam curse under his breath and his eyes caught the tightness in his shoulders, the clench in his fists. Niall’s hand was covering his Alpha’s,  _ not yours, Niall’s. They’re his alphas.  _

“ _ Prepatroban.” _

“The purple pills were next, they were little circles.”

“Did you experience any symptoms of depression? Increased anxiety?”

Louis shrugged, his stomach churning as it fell to his feet, he opened his mouth but ended up just shrugging again.

“How bad did it get?” Welkins sounded as cool and monotone as he had at the beginning but Louis felt his eyes fill with tears. 

“Not horrible,” he offered, his voice lilting into a question.

“Louis,” It was Liam that spoke, his eyes sad, “how bad?”

Louis’ guilt weighed on him, forcing his lips into a frown,  _ you made Alpha sad, you stupid worthless bitch,  _ “I didn’t have time to end it,” he winced at the lack of emotion in his voice, he coughed slightly, “I was just so tired and I wanted to, but we were touring, management had me with the Eleanor scandal, and I practically spent the rest of my time writing the album with Julian.”

The crestfallen, heavy looks that surrounded him made Louis stumble back in his words, “but it really wasn’t bad.”

“Okay, Louis, last one, yes?”

“Yeah,” his attention fixed on the alpha, the only one not affected by his words, the sight a comfort from the pain around him, “Someone called it the Banana Pill, I think.” 

Dr. Welkins nodded, “ _ Toleferal _ is its official name, but yes, people call it the banana pill for its colour.” 

Twisting his fingers together, “They put me on it at the beginning of the tour, it’s still a bit hazy. There were a lot of migraines and body aches.”

“Patients I’ve treated that have survived  _ Toleferal _ suppression usually talk about weight gain, you were practically malnourished when you arrived. I believe that’s why you have that IV you dislike. Any idea why?”

The look in the dull grey eyes told Louis that he knew exactly why, but sighing Louis tugged on a hangnail, “I gained some weight at the beginning so management put me on a....diet?”

That’s not exactly what most people would describe it as, but it was the least accusatory word he could manage a part of him waiting for Lindsay to emerge from behind him and choke him until he passed out, telling him what a bad boy he had been. 

“How often did you eat on this ‘diet?’” Louis could tell no one in the room was buying his bullcrap and he shrugged.

“I don’t know, every two or three days.”

The answer was apparently not one any of the others wanted to hear because Welkins shook his head, the first sign of emotion slipping past his cool exterior: shock. Louis didn’t dare look at the pack, their stares burning into his head, cheeks growing warm as he stared at his beat up Vans, too dirty to be on the spotless couch. 

_ Just like you.  _

His eyes squeezed shut, “I’m sorry,” Louis whispered, “I-”

“Louis, let’s get back to the  _ Toleferal,  _ yeah? No apologies are needed.”

The shrug of his shoulders was sluggish, heavy as he tried to press his knees closer to his chest, “Yeah,” his voice was so small he barely recognized it. Clearing his throat, Louis lifted his chin like he would’ve when he was “beta” and spoke clearly, “What else do you need to know?”

“You said that you had migraines, on a scale of 1 to 10 how bad were they normally?”

Louis shrugged, “A three.”

An unimpressed look stared back at him, “Okay, describe them to me.”

“It was hard to think, loud noises and bright lights didn’t help. Sometimes I couldn’t remember things that I should. I had a lyric mess up on stage because my head hurt. The worst it ever got on a normal day was almost passing out, but that might’ve been the lack of food. So yeah, a three.”

An annoyed sigh was all he received and he watched Welkins circle a number that seemed too far to one side to be a three. 

“Okay,” he chirped, back to the default setting,  _ Louis still wasn’t completely convinced that he wasn’t some sort of robot or something,  _ “Two more things and then I’ll finish my notes and let Dr. Keller know if you’re able to leave.”

Nodding Louis shifted, arm bumping in Harry’s for a split second before he was jerking away and muttering an apology. Welkins shifted around his papers, “Self-Discipline?”

Louis' face froze, his finger immediately running over his ribs where the cuts were aching dully, “Uh, yes? I guess so.”  _ It’s because you deserve it, you know you do.  _

“Okay and lastly-”

“Wait that was it? Don’t want to psychoanalyze me?”

Welkins sighed, “Louis, self-discipline is completely normal for suppressed or ignored omegas. I do not find it beneficial to pick at the scab that they soothed by asking about it in depth.” 

Nodding dumbly, Louis went to stand up, “Is that all?”

“I’m afraid not. There is still something I have to cover before even considering releasing you.”

_ Don’t ask about the knife. Don’t ask about the knife they found me with.  _

Louis sat back down, staring at the doctor as if he could imprint his thoughts into the next words. 

“The mark on your neck-”

It was like ice had been poured over his head, nose itching as he looked around to make sure he was actually here and not in that club bathroom. 

“What about it?” Louis finally whispered, voice back to a fragile stream of words filled with pain. 

“Can you tell me what happened?”

He shook his head before he could think about it, but then the words were back out there, “Let me rephrase. Tell me what happened, Louis, and then we’re done.”

“I was clubbing, management’s idea. Eleanor had been around that morning and to get rid of her, I agreed to be more compliant. Carl was the one with me that night, usually I take Steven because I like Steven. Carl, he worked for Lindsay. He barely watched me that night, as usual, so when I went to the bathroom, he probably didn’t even notice I had left the room. 

His breathing picked up slightly, as he said the next words, “The alpha came in when I was about to wash my hands. I remember him locking the door,” __

_ —Louis' voice cracked as he stuttered and he saw the smirk that grew on the alpha’s face at his obvious nervousness.  _

_ ‘W-what am I doing?’ he mocked, stepping closer, the obnoxious scent of cloves overwhelmed Louis, fear closed his throat, ‘I, darling, am going to give you what you want. What pretty twinks like you need. A knot in the arse and a mark on your neck.’— _

_ “ _ he told me that he knew I couldn’t be a beta. He kept saying he would give me what I want. H-He, uh, pinned me to the wall, I think I was screaming but then his hand was over my mouth. I, um I bit him,” Louis felt the tears streaming down his face, but he just stuttered through the rest, “Then h-he bit me.” 

_ “I’ll give you what all the whores like you want, darling.” _

His hand had fallen on his neck, the mark throbbing painfully at the memory, as he kept his eyes down, embarrassment flooding him.  _ Just a stupid little whore and now they all know it too. _

Louis barely heard Dr. Welkins leave the room, he just stood up on shaky legs as the door slid shut. His blank eyes fixed on the curtain being pushed closed, hiding them from any potential observers. 

He hadn’t realized he was falling until someone was wrapping around him, lowering them both to the floor. Louis’ face was pushed into a warm neck that smelled of rain and mint, brown curls tickling his nose. He cried into Harry’s neck, sobs broken as he tried to push back the tidal wave of every memory he had suppressed along with his omega. Then someone was pressing into his side, another pressing into his back, before arms wrapped around all of them. 

Niall was crying into his shoulder, Zayn’s hand traced his spine, and Harry’s hand was shifting through his hair with an arm tight around his waist. He knew that Liam was the one hugging them all together and he also knew it was selfish of him to let the hand not clutching at Harry’s shirt wrap around Liam’s wrist, something in him begging for the contact. 

Louis hadn’t realized he had been talking until Liam’s voice was shushing him, “You have nothing to be sorry for, Lou.”

“We’re sorry, babes,” Niall mumbled into his shirt, “We’re so sorry we didn’t see it sooner.”

That made Louis cry harder, hiccuping into the heated skin of Harry’s neck. As he let the feeling of being held rush through him,  _ this can’t happen again,  _ he told himself,  _ they don’t belong to you. This is their pity. Eventually, it’ll fade away.  _

Louis isn’t sure how long they stayed there, but eventually his cries turned to sniffles and he pulled back from Harry who frowned looking at the place Louis’ IV tore out, “You tore your IV out.” Louis frowned right back as he thumbed over the wet skin of Harry’s neck and the place on his shirt where his tears had fallen, “I ruined your shirt.”

Harry’s dimple poked out, “That’s alright, Lou. Don’t stress about it.”

He smiled lightly at the alpha before he was tugged away and Niall was holding him, “My Lou, get your own, greedy alpha.”

It made him giggle, the sound slightly squeaky as Niall squeezed the life out of him.  _ They’re just your friends, Louis. They’re a pack, you’re not a part of it. Just friends just friends just friends. _

Liam was staring at him, a sad, thoughtful look that Louis could see in the furrow of his brow, “Li?” 

“That time,” the Alpha cleared his throat slightly, avoiding Louis’ eyes, his fingers twitching. Louis had never seen Liam so...so uncontrolled, so guilty, “in the venue, when I yelled at you for being high. You really didn’t know what you were on, did you?”

_ “How do you not know?” Louis’ mouth opened to answer, but Liam’s eyes flashed, “You know what? It doesn’t even matter. It has to stop, Louis, the alcohol, the drugs, the whoring around. It’s fucking you up and more importantly it interferes with my pack. Do you understand?” _

“Liam, it’s ok-“

“No, it’s not!” Brown eyes locked with his, the shout ringing in Louis’ ears as he watched wetness swell in the Alpha’s eyes. Then Liam was standing up, peeling Louis away from Niall and wrapping the omega in a hug, “I’m so fucking sorry, Louis. I’ll never stop making it up to you. I should’ve-”

“I lied to you,” Louis melted into the hug, hand fisting Liam’s shirt as he breathed in lemon and what a beach smells like at sunset, “and I know that it wasn’t my fault,”  _ it is your fault, you never should’ve been an omega,  _ “but you never would've guessed that I was lying to you. You can’t blame yourself for not looking for something that never would’ve occurred to you.”

Niall made a noise and Louis realized that he was still hugging Liam, stepping back from the hug only to be stolen in another hug from Niall, “How many songs did you help write on the last album?”

“I don’t know. It really wasn’t as many as I made it seem,” Louis tucked his chin on Niall’s shoulder as he answered Zayn, “Maybe six or seven.”

“Not that many my arse,” Louis knew Niall was rolling his eyes and he pinched the omega’s shoulder in retaliation. 

Zayn looked more solemn than usual as he came up and brushed back a piece of Louis’ fringe, leaning slightly to look his best friend in the eye, “It won’t get that bad again.”

Louis swallowed, deciding that it probably wasn’t a convenient time to mention that he had already started three songs with Julian and it was not even a month into the tour. 

Niall pulled back and Louis fought not to pull the omega, soft and warm, back into an embrace. He failed partially, his hand gripping Niall’s flannel only to receive a blinding smile, “Let’s go find some lunch, Lou. I’m starved.”

The brunette omega was stepping away, shaking his head softly, “Oh, I’m not hungr-”

“Too bad,” Zayn chimed, throwing an arm over Louis’ shoulder that the omega would be rather unsuccessful at escaping from. He tried anyway, but the eldest alpha stopped him, raising an eyebrow, “I could throw you over my shoulder and carry you there if you’d prefer.”

Louis walked easily at the threat, Zayn’s arm still over his shoulders, warm and possess- _ not possessive. Friendly.  _

_ These are your friends, Louis. It’ll never be more. _

* * *

**_Case of Louis Tomlinson: Suppressed Omega._ **

_ “Please state your full name for the camera.” _

_ “Lindsay Quinn Harp.” _

_ “And you fully admit to being a part of the unwilling suppression of an omega?” _

_ “Yes. He was such a good boy too. Made a decent beta, better headline. Whenever he resisted, I got to hurt him longer. Beat him black and blue a few times, where no one could see of course. The whore bitch loved it, he was getting attention from the only alpha that would give him the light of day if they knew the truth. He was so pliant and easy to control it was almost child’s play. Louis knew if he stepped out of line I could make his life living hell, all because of the contract. He signed, poor naive bitch, and then he was mine. If you ever hear this Louis, you were very bad. Wish I could be there to teach you a lesson, watch the life leave your-” _

_ *Interview terminated* _

* * *

**_Louis Tomlinson is an Omega!_ ** _ In a very brief statement given by One Direction’s Media Manager, Turner Young, the arrest of Lindsay Harp, a modest management rep was practically confirmed while they announced the rescheduling of the cancelled Edinburgh show. Although they didn’t give any answer to the questions about Louis Tomlinson, numerous sources have confirmed that both the arrest of Harp and the hospitalization of Tomlinson are connected to suppression.  _ **_#LOUISISOMEGA_ ** _ and  _ **_#WELOVEYOULOUIS_ ** _ are trending number one worldwide. How will this affect Louis’ outrageous playboy and partying streak? Could this breakup the band? Find out more at our twitter:  _ **_@dailymail_official_ **


	10. “when your chest aches in a way you could never name, you may be in love, it just may not be the right time”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> louis eats, leaves the hospital, and sleeps in an SUV. the pack is left with an ache

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi guyss, i’m so sorry it took me so long to update, i’ve had such a hectic week and i only just now finished the chapter i started monday. it’s pretty short so i’m v sorry, i’ll try and update this weekend! 
> 
> just a few things, it is going to be a slowish burn guys. even if there are some things thought, they will not be be said for a HOT minute. it’s not gonna be “oh yay louis’ omega he’s in the pack right now.” promise. 
> 
> anyway, thank you for the support of my story, ily guys sm. if we get like five or six more comments, then i’ll make the next chapter the like six or seven thousand words if that’s something we want. ummmm yeah! no pressure though, just want you guys to read and enjoy :)
> 
> *chapter warnings* slight eating disorder stuff, self deprecation, mentions of bitches, modest is mentioned, language, and i think that’s it

Louis kept his eyes glued to his plate, stomach rolling when he realized that there wasn’t a way to get out of this. The pack was staring at him and the attention only furthered the sick feeling rushing over him. 

“Look,” he set his fork down, “I really-“

Liam was unamused, “Eat.”

Louis glowered, hand lifting his fork to poke at the bowl of Macaroni and Cheese. He stared at the small bite he collected, mouth turning down as his mind raced. 

_ This is too many calories. You’re not supposed to eat carbs. Do you know how fat you’re gonna get?  _

He did know, Louis was perfectly aware and that’s why tears welled up in his eyes as he wrapped his lips around the fork and tugged the bit of food into his mouth. 

It was good, for hospital food, and Louis felt himself going for another bite before he halted mid scoop, his fork clattering to the bowl. He looked down at his lap, stares burning into him, prickling painfully against his senses. 

_ “People like you don’t get to eat.”  _

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled to his lap, “I c-can’t.”

He thought that his walls had stopped falling apart, standing there half destroyed and waiting for him to build them back up, but the tumble of his facade began again, right there with the pack around him. He was a freak. A burden that couldn’t even eat without a babysitter. 

“Just a few more bites, Lou?” Harry’s eyes were brimming with pity and Louis wanted to hurl. Tears gathered in his eyes but he swallowed the lump in his throat and picked up his fork, lips curling around another bite, “You can do this.”

He couldn’t. The fat was already sticking to his thighs and stomach, the food was too heavy in his stomach and his hips ached with the need to scratch. Eating was bad. He was bad. 

Louis took another bite, eyes fixed on the way Niall was clutching his free hand, squeezing encouragingly. He couldn’t do this, not with everything in his being screaming at him to run away, from the fork and the food and the stares. He swallowed, biting back his crying, he couldn’t but he could pretend. 

Louis could pretend for the rest of his life, so he lifted the fork and took another bite, shoulders slumping when the pack shifted their attention to their own meals, eyes still darting to him as Louis picked at his macaroni. 

When he ate six bites, barely even a third of what was there to begin with, he received proud smiles and a soft, “Good job, Lou.”

It didn’t stop him from excusing himself later, when it had been long enough to not seem suspicious, to stick his fingers down his throat with the sink on to mask the sounds of his lunch going down the toilet.

* * *

“Louis?”

Dr. Welkins was in the doorway, leaning there as if he had never sat through the conversation that only skimmed the surface of Louis’ history. Nerves fluttered in his stomach when he eyed the clipboard clutched in the man’s hand, putting down the hand of cards he held in favor to press his palms into his thighs, the pressure relieving. The shrink continued to stand there and Louis realized he was waiting for an invitation, “Come in,” he coughed lightly when his voice went higher than usual. 

“Your discharge papers,” he stood a few feet away, waving the clipboard slightly, but despite the awkward distance that was caused by the pack surrounding his bed, Welkins was confident, unbothered, as emotionless as ever. 

“So I can leave?” Louis felt something bubble in his chest at the thought of escaping the ever confining walls of pure white, the cleanliness that combated his memories of everyday life, tour life. 

“Yes,” Louis smiled, but it faded when the shrink didn’t stop there, “however, I am highly recommending that you find a professional to follow you on tour. The psychological damage that I was able to assess through the pieces given to me was severe. I also can’t force you to seek help, in fact, I must insist that it be your decision.” He sent a stern look to the pack. 

“I left a note with a list of people I think best suited to help you. There will be some paperwork here and more from Dr. Keller regarding your physical health. I hope to not see you again, Louis.”

He handed the clipboard to Liam who flipped through it, when he was gone the Alpha muttered, “There’s four to choose from, I-“

“I don’t need a shrink,” Louis mumbled, snatching the clipboard and clicking the pen that was attached with a string. He moved the note written in tilted but still neat penmanship, half ready to crumble it up and throw it away when Niall snatched it out of his hand, “No one said you did, boo.”

“His doctor said he did,” Liam exclaimed, looking ready to steal the list and call one himself. Niall glared at his Alpha, sending warning glances to the other two who were leaning toward Liam in agreement. 

“His  _ doctor _ also said that it had to be  _ his  _ decision.”

Liam wanted to protest, his face contorting not necessarily in anger, but something relative to being protective and fierce. Louis saw the anger and sunk into the pillows, fingers tearing nervously at the corner of a form while Liam and Niall stared each other down. 

“Both of you, hush, you’re scaring Lou.”

And all eyes were on him again.  _ Thanks a lot, Zayn. _

“S-sorry,” Louis stuttered, chin tucking down quietly, as if it would hide him from them. 

A hand brushed patted his knee, gaining his attention without startling him, Liam was looking at him softly, “It's your decision, love. We just want what’s best for you-“  _ being a Beta was better for you. I was better,  _ “I didn’t mean to get angry.”

Gnawing on his bottom lip, Louis glanced down, “I-I’ll think about it, but really-”

“You don’t need a shrink,” Harry finished with a laugh, “We know, Lou.”

Niall shoved himself into the hospital bed, halfway curled on top of Louis, earning warning from his alphas about being careful with Louis, but they were cut short when Louis shifted and gladly accepted a cuddle from Niall, resting his head on the omega’s shoulder, trying to subtly press his nose into the gland that was drenched in honeyed raspberry.

The clipboard was taken from his hands, Niall must’ve noticed Louis relaxing at his scent because he guided the older omega’s nose into his scent gland, silently encouraging it while he sifted through the papers, “Let’s get you out of here, boo.”

* * *

Louis wasn’t sure what he was expecting walking out of Edinburgh hospital, but he had a distinct feeling it hadn’t been this. The sidewalk was crammed with fans, some holding signs that said something along the lines of ‘We Love You Lou’ while most just screamed their support. 

Paul was in front of him, the alpha paving the way to the black SUV that sat ominously in the street. Unable to offer much more than a weak smile to the people around him, Louis kept his head tilted down, a migraine already pressing into the back of his eyes. It was all too much, the protective placement of the pack and then the actual security around them, it felt like a waste of time when Louis was already exposed, revealed to the public. 

They should be yelling at him, slandering, calling him all the stupid slurs he had become used to as a second name. Louis was confused, the support only adding to the endless swirling pain in his head. Paul opened the door to the car, Louis sliding inside, taking the far window seat of the back row. Zayn was next, then Niall, Harry and Liam settling in front of them. 

Paul was driving, Mark was in the passenger seat, and the rest of the security was probably following in the other SUV. They were going back to the venue and Louis wasn’t sure if he should be relieved or nervous.

His voice shook slightly as he broke the silence, “So how did you get Lindsay to back off? What’s her plan for...my coming out? Me in general, I guess?”

“What?” Heads whipped in his direction and Louis sunk further into the leather seat, making himself small and hopefully invisible, “Sorry, nevermind.”

Liam’s voice was low and comforting as his eyes softened, “Modest is gone, Louis. Lindsay is gone.” 

It was Louis’ turn to stare, his confused whisper of, “What?” followed by a louder, curious, “Why?”

“She’s being charged, not to mention if she got anywhere near you again one of us would probably kill her,” Paul’s voice was nonchalant with an undercurrent of something dark as if the alpha had thought about killing someone, specifically Lindsay, before. It was strange for their tour manager, not to mention their head of security, to sound so...not necessarily angry, but barely contained. 

Liam huffed in agreement, glaring protectively at the glass, “We’ll need to know who else was involved,” at Louis’ panicked look, the Alpha added on quietly, “but that can wait, you need to get rest.”

Louis fumbled with his fingers, embarrassment crawling up his neck and clinging to his pinkening cheeks, “This is far too much trouble,” he whispered, “We don’t need to change everything because of such a minor in-”

“You finish that sentence, Louis Tomlinson, and you’ll be eating avocados everyday for a week.”

Nose scrunching in disgust, Louis turned to Niall with a pout, “Flower, that’s just cruel.”

The blonde huffed, blue eyes blazing like cold fire, “yes, well, I would very much like to do cruel things to everyone involved. Saying it’s an  _ inconvenience”  _ Niall spit the word out like it was licorice (basically the only food Niall hated), “undermines my fury.”

Louis must have had a momentary lapse of common sense that had kept his instincts at bay for a decade because he unbuckled his belt, ignored Harry telling him to sit back down, climbed over Zayn, and plopped next to Niall, practically in the younger omega’s lap, nose soothing against Niall’s cheek, an omegan greeting. 

“Don’t be mad, Ni, I’m okay,” he whispered into the soft skin of Niall’s neck, nose pressing into the scent gland drowning with honeyed raspberries. 

“They hurt you,” Niall whispered back, just as soft, nothing near a protest at Louis’ added weight, “I’m not okay.”

Louis made a noise, “I’m sorry.”

Niall’s arms tightened around him, “You don’t get to apologize, Lou. It wasn’t your fault.”

Drawing back, Louis frowned at Niall, ready to protest when he realized that Harry, Liam, and Zayn were all staring at him. His cheeks were burning as he scrambled back into his seat, his chin dipping down, “Sorry.”

“You should be,” Zayn growled lowly, causing Louis’ head to snap up, blue eyes wide and worried. His alpha friend continued, voice still low, “You’re letting Niall hog all of your cuddles.”

Louis’ eyes widened more, if possible, as Zayn drew him into his side, the amused laughs of the pack echoing around them. 

Louis had cuddled with all of them once upon a time, but after their mating and his string of stunts the times of band cuddles had dwindled. He had been a beta after all and he didn’t  _ need  _ cuddles. 

Yet here he was, choking back a needy whine at the touch of an alpha. His eyes dropped suddenly, pressing into Zayn’s side, the scent of orange and cinnamon lulling him into a pliant, relaxed mess. 

It wasn’t uncommon for touch-starved omegas to fall asleep at the touch and or close proximity of an alpha. Louis hadn’t indulged in the touch of an alpha for more than a few precious seconds for as long as he could remember. His eyes slipped closed as Zayn’s arms tightened around him, nose scrunching as sleep claimed him. 

* * *

Seeing Louis slumped against Zayn had Liam’s heart fluttering in his chest and he voiced it as the less complicated emotion: worry, “Is he okay?”

Zayn smiled softly, hand stroking at the omega’s side, “He fell asleep.”

Niall shoved away from leaning back and looked at Louis curled up, nose twitching in his sleep as he subconsciously pressed closer to the eldest alpha. Then the omega was pouting at Liam, “Why does Zayn get sleepy Louis? I want him.”

Liam soothed him with a strong hand brushing through blonde hair, “It just happened, babe, I don’t think Louis meant to fall asleep. He was just comfortable with an alpha he knows.”

Niall grunted, glaring at his alpha, causing Zayn’s lips to quirk in amusement, “Not fair.”

“He’s not ours, babe,” Liam reminded gently, the words stilling everything around them. The silence that followed was too loud and Liam identified the other emotion behind his racing heart: he wanted Louis. 

“Yet?” Niall was looking at Louis, his eyes holding something akin to adoration. 

Liam looked to his alpha mates, he felt too biased to answer this question, too close to Louis, but when he caught sight of their faces, he understood.They all were close to Louis. They had all loved him for a long time and it had always bordered on the line of danger for purely platonic feelings. It was dipping dangerously into foreign territory, into  _ love _ , that Liam realized was the ache in his chest that wasn’t that foreign or new at all. 

It wasn’t close to near the right time for that. Louis had just gotten out of the hospital and if their bond was any indication, they were all willing to wait. 

“Yet.”

* * *

**_Louis Tomlinson Leaves the Hospital!_ ** _ The suspected Omega was seen leaving Edinburgh General mid afternoon today with band mates and heavy security separating the singer and the outpouring of fans. With two days to their rescheduled show, and the continuation of their third tour, Louis is suspected to perform, but there had been no statement from the group’s new management team after Modest rep Lindsay Harp was arrested and Modest subsequently fired. We are unable to say any more on the status of Tomlinson, with no confirmation of his gender or his status in the band. _


	11. “‘cause you are worth it, you are perfect, and if you wanna leave me, i understand quite easily that i’m not worth it.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> louis remembers doctor keller’s talk and the alpha from the club bathroom all while getting ready for his first show as an omega, how will fans react?
> 
> how does the pack feel?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyyyy, so like it took me forever to get this chapter done, but it’s almost, like so freaking close to, six thousand words, so i hope it’s enough.... 
> 
> i’m hoping to have more and more chapters around this length if that’s what you guys like, but like idk. are longer chapters good or do i get to discombobulated? i feel like i’m on a ramble sometimes, like the one i’m on right now, i’m anyway
> 
> i hope you guys like this chapter, it’s pretty angsty? i think? guys idek what i’m doing tbh, so yeah. there is talk of eating disorder stuff in here, it’s gets a lil bit wack but that’s because i pulled from my journal and my thoughts are never organized so yeah
> 
> thanks for giving this story a chance!! let me know what you guys think!! enjoy :)
> 
> *chapter warnings* health issues, effects of suppression, talk of suppression, heavy implications of sexual assault, flashbacks, language, eating disorders, self deprecation, uhh angst, i think that’s it

Louis doesn’t remember much of the car ride, just whispers of sound that his mind picked up on through the fog of sleep. He remembers being embarrassed waking up draped over Zayn, but his friend had just rolled his eyes and shushed him with a hug, saying he didn’t mind being a pillow. 

Getting out of the SUV, Louis found himself wrapped into a big hug from Zach who was then joined by Julian, Lou, Paul, Mark, Steven, and practically every crew member Louis had ever met. He groaned, pinching Zach’s side, “Christ, you're crushing me, dickheads.”

A short laugh echoed through the group, Louis sighed, “I’m so-“

“You’re still Louis and we love you. We’re just so glad you’re back and you’re gonna be okay.”

“Don’t go getting all sappy on me,” Louis huffed, “I’m still going to be a pain in all of your asses.” 

“We expect nothing less,” Steven ruffled his hair as the group dispersed, most giving a personal greeting before leaving. Although Louis had felt like his lungs were going to pop out of his eye sockets being hugged by so many people, the distance reminded Louis of every day before then, the way he had been drowning, unable to breathe, on dry ground. The reminder, the contradiction inside himself, Louis was unsure how he was supposed to feel. For years drowning was better than breathing. Being noticed, having the attention of others was practically a death warrant, yet here he was, craving the same thing he had been taught to avoid. He found himself drooping slightly, the pain in his head too heavy and too much as he turned to stumble toward the familiar looming of the tour bus. 

“Lou,” Harry’s voice was soft, too soft for the lurid harshness that was swirling inside of him, “Let’s get you inside, yeah?”

The touch of a worried hand on his elbow hand Louis turning away sharply, hand flying up to his hair, “I got it, I don’t,” he swallowed, caging his emotions into something cool, something he could control, “I don’t need help. I’m fine, I just-”

He trailed off, eyes glossy. Liam stepped forward, a hand reaching for him before Louis snapped back to his words, “I just need to um,” his vision was fading at the edges, and Louis tried to take a step but he pitched sharply to the right, hands reaching out blindly as the pain reached a crescendo, and then suddenly, Louis felt nothing at all. 

* * *

_ Dr. Keller had become very skilled at kicking the pack out of the room. Louis had just gotten comfortable, uncaring that he was shamelessly scenting his best friend in front of his three mates, when the blonde alpha strolled in with her own clipboard of papers and ordered rather than asked that the pack ‘get lost’ so her and Louis could have privacy to go over the medical release.  _

_ When they tried to protest, she raised an eyebrow with the promise, “You will get a full briefing on any lasting side effects and the type of care he will need in the following weeks. Now, please let me inform my patient about his health.” _

_ It worked and Louis fought the disappointed sigh that built in his throat when Niall grudgingly rolled out of the hospital bed, squeezing Louis’ hand and glaring at the doctor before shuffling out, the door closing behind them.  _

_ Turning his attention to the alpha, Louis tried to ignore the pack lingering outside the windows, their stares heavy through the glass.  _

_ “Okay, Louis,” Dr. Keller sat in one of the chairs that had been dragged close to his bedside, the clipboard propped on her lap, “I want to make it clear that just because you are well enough to leave does not mean you are healthy.” _

_ Louis felt his eyes furrow, “I don’t understand.” _

_ “You will see residual side effects and tender health conditions for probably a few weeks-” _

_ “Like what?” _

_ A huff of amused laughter came from the doctor, “I was getting to that part. You can lessen the severity by keeping up your nutrients and food intake, drink lots of water, and get as much rest as you can. I also recommend some sort of physical activity in recovery, personal trainers usually do well. That said, you will most likely continue having migraines, hopefully not as severe, and fainting spells will not be uncommon. You will also probably have sick bouts, vomiting and mild fevers, but they shouldn’t be long lasting or severe.” _

_ “If someone in my situation didn’t eat, what would happen?”  _

_ His voice was soft, hypothetical, but the female alpha sent him a stern look, his real words ringing unsaid _ ‘What if I don’t eat?’ , _ “The symptoms will worsen, but it’s not a question, Louis. You have to eat. Do you understand?” _

_ Louis didn’t respond verbally, his mind screaming no, that he didn’t understand why people were trying to get him to eat, why he needed to when the fat was clinging to every inch of him. He nodded softly, eyes burning with tears.  _

_ “Can I ?” he breathed in slowly, chest rattling slightly as he forced back the signs of his upset.  _

_ Dr. Keller’s mouth twisted into a disapproving frown but she nodded slowly, “Yes, but-” _

_ “What are you gonna tell the pack?” _

_ The alpha sighed, “I will be telling them what I told you.” _

_ Confusion wrinkled Louis’ forehead, “Then why did you ask them to leave?” _

_ Her eyes softened like melting chocolate, “I have had a lot of patients like you, Louis. There are always questions that might go unasked if their close friends, especially those as protective as yours, are present. If it’s just you and me, doctor-patient confidentiality prevents any of those questions or the motives behind them from reaching places you don’t wish them to be.” _

_ She smiled lightly, adjusting a piece of hair that had fallen in front of her face, “Now are there any other questions you have for me?” _

_ Louis looked at the pack, Niall was pressed against the glass, eyes soft when they caught on Louis’, guilt bubbled in him. Asking felt like lying to them all over again, so he shook his head softly, “No, I think I got it; eat, sleep, drink water.” _

_ An amused smile quirked her lips, “Don’t forget the exercise.” _

_ Scoffing lightly, Louis laughed, “You’re not the first one to try and get me to exercise, Doc. I could lie and say that I would, but I’m sure that with your whole question theory, lying isn’t something you want from me.” _

_ Keller shook her head lightly, handing Louis the stack of papers, “Sign these and take care of yourself. I’ll tell your pack everything while you get busy.” _

Not his pack _ he wanted to say, but he just hummed, the protest not leaving his lips as he skipped all the fine print, wrist flicking as he scrawled out his signature on the dotted line.  _

* * *

Harry knew that Dr. Keller had said that they should expect side effects, including blackouts and fainting spells, but even watching Louis sway in protest to their help, voice weak and balance wavering; nothing had prepared him for the sight of the omega freezing, hands gripping out uselessly for air as he pitched sharply to the side, Liam lunging to catch him. 

He heard Liam curse softly, scooping Louis’ limp form up gently, eyes worried. Zayn was already opening the door to the bus for them, Liam carefully making his way up the steps, Niall flitting around behind him, nervously peeking over his Alpha’s shoulder to look at his friend. 

Harry had to take a deep breath to prevent himself from doing the same as his omega, worry clutching at him and slowing his steps as he sluggishly followed into the bus. Zayn dropped a kiss to his shoulder, closing the door and bringing Harry in for a hug. 

“I don’t feel comfortable leaving him where we can’t keep an eye on him,” Liam whispered for an explanation as he set the omega on the couch, finding one of the discarder throw blankets and tucking Louis in.

Niall was already claiming the spot by Louis’ head, hand curling in his fringe, “Agreed,” he paused, “Wait, work? Why do we have to do that?” 

The omega’s whine was matched with a pout, and Liam sighed, “We have a show tonight, darling-”

Louis shifted, a noise building in his throat, eyes squeezing further closed. Zayn felt his eyebrows furrow, pulling his chin off of Harry’s shoulder, stepping around the curly haired alpha and looking down at the unconscious omega curiously. 

When Louis had woken up for the first time in the hospital he had been drowsy and vulnerable, eyes closed as he asked Niall if he had been hit by a bus. He was relaxed, in pain, but at ease until Zayn had started to say that word:  _ darling. _ Louis had reacted to the word, flinching and panicking, eyes darting and nose twitching as he frantically searched the room for something,  _ someone. _

And it had happened again, Liam hadn’t even been speaking to Louis, but the omega was relaxed, unconscious and the word had set something off inside of him, something that was scared. 

“What is it?” 

Zayn ignored Liam’s question, his voice soft but firm, “Darling.”

This time Louis whined, a scared and empty sound that had Zayn reaching out in an attempt to soothe his friend, taking back the word, but Louis was twisting away, tears breaking through his closed eyes and wetting the skin of his cheeks. Liam looked horrified as his eyes met Zayn’s.

“Louis,” Niall tried to wrap around the brunette, voice soft and warm, trying to calm the panic, “You’re okay. You’re okay.”

He didn’t wake up, but the familiar touch and voice seemed to smooth away the initial fear, tears still staining his skin until Niall wiped them away with a light touch. He glared at Zayn when Louis sniffed softly, a slight tremor racing through the older omega, “Why would you do that?”

“I remembered him reacting to it before and then Liam said it only for a similar reaction.”

“And so you decided to say it after he had two bad reactions to it?” Niall raised an accusing eyebrow. Zayn fell onto the couch, eyes still fixed on Louis. 

“I didn’t want him to react,” he whispered, “I wanted it to be just me overthinking, but...this, it wasn’t and this means…”

Zayn swallowed abruptly, his hands shaking as he reached out to rub a circle on the bare skin of Louis’ ankle. 

“We’ll let him tell us what it means,” Liam said, eyes locked on the arch of Louis’ lips, still twisted into a frown, “Hopefully anything our imagination can conjure is just that, a fragment of our imagination.”

Harry tried to ignore the doubt behind the words, tried to find it in him to believe that there could be some sort of other explanation, but there truly wasn’t. Someone had hurt Louis, lots had, but this one, whoever it had been, called him darling while doing it and it was obvious that whatever had happened, it had been bad. Harry forced himself to look away, swallowing roughly as a sick feeling settled in his stomach. 

* * *

Louis was really tired of waking up in places he didn’t remember getting to. Although, the last two times didn’t include the soft sound of Liam singing and a warm hand rubbing softly at his ankle. He blinked blearily, shifting slightly, a sleepy sound caught in his throat. 

“Lou? You awake?”

Liam had stopped singing at Zayn’s question and Louis frowned, closing his eyes again, part of him hoping the Alpha would continue singing, “No.”

There was a soft round of chuckles before a soft accent spoke. “Guess he’s gonna miss the show, he’s obviously too tired to,” Louis sat up abruptly at Niall’s words, fighting off the yawn that expanded his ribs as he rubbed at his eyes angrily. 

“No, no, I’m awake. I’m awake,” Niall was laughing and Louis caught the amused looks of Liam, Harry, Zayn, and Julian, who was sitting in a chair with his laptop. They all had various papers scattered around and Louis realized that not only had he been tricked into consciousness but they were also in the middle of writing a song. 

“Why didn’t you guys wake me sooner?” Louis grumbled, reaching for some of the papers to get an idea of where they were, “I could’ve helped.” 

His hand was smacked away and he rubbed it, pouting at Niall who shook his head, “No, you can’t see it until it’s done.”

Louis pouted harder, his eyes wide and pleading, “Why?”

“Because Julian told us that you already have three songs started for this album,”  _ Four,  _ Louis corrected mentally, “and we are going to finish at least one without your help.” 

“But, flower-”

“No buts,” Niall flicked his nose and Louis tried to protest again, looking to his other bandmates but they were all gathering the loose papers. He sighed, “Fine. How much time until the show?”

Julian glanced at his watch, “It’s just past five, so a little under two hours. Probably an hour and a half until Lou and Caroline get their paws on you.”

Groaning, Louis shifted to where his feet weren’t in Zayn’s lap and his head rested on the back of the couch and not Niall. His ribs ached from where the hunger had clawed through his stomach and latched on to the bones, trying to climb up and escape or at the very least be pushed back down with the food it desired. He didn’t dislike it, the pain. Pain was something that he had lived with for what seemed like forever and it was almost comforting in the sense of familiarity. He pressed his palm into his stomach, the slight ridges of his ribs pressing right back. 

“Hungry?” 

Snapping back to reality, Louis realized that Julian had left and Harry was looking at him expectantly, shoulders half turned for the small kitchenette. 

“No, no,” Louis shook his head, “I’m not hungry.”

His body, ever the traitor, voiced protest to his insistence, a blush clinging to his throat as his stomach rumbled. Liam raised a stern eyebrow, Harry just left, curls straying from his messy bun as he walked to the kitchen, “Really, I’ll just eat later,” he called out,  _ you won’t eat. You better not eat.  _ His neck strained as he stretched to catch sight of Harry pulling out a pan, “You don’t need to go to any trouble, Haz.” 

“Louis,” Liam’s voice was low, “You’re going to eat. I know you don’t want-”

“I don’t  _ need  _ to,” Louis stressed, it’s not that he didn’t want to. He was practically drooling at the idea of eating something that Harry made, but he couldn’t. He squeezed the top of his thighs, nails subtly digging through the material of his joggers. Louis jumped when a hand gently pried at his tense fingers, Zayn looking at him softly, eyes warm and familiar with just a tinge of sadness. 

He yanked his hand away, relaxing the other as they smoothed over the fabric, trying to get rid of the pleasant prickle under his skin, “I’m okay, really,” he whispered softly, eyes darting to the floor. 

_ “Did you eat?” “No.” “Good boy.” _

“Split something with me?” Niall asked, his smile soft, “Just a few bites on your part and I’m sure the rest will be gone,” the omega winked lightly, “You know how I am with food.”

Louis’ stomach rolled as the pack focused on him, waiting for his answer. He felt seen, too exposed before their eyes and he tugged at the collar of the shirt he was wearing, jerking it closer to his neck. He wrapped a protective arm around his stomach shielding the way his stomach poked out slightly despite it not being visible through the space in his clothes. 

_ Say something. They’re paying too much attention to you,  _ “Okay,” Louis squeaked out, voice scratchy.  _ You’ll have to get rid of it later or they’ll see. Everyone will see that you’re not only a whiny bitch, but a fat whore as well.  _

“Haz, babe, how would you feel about making me and my Lou some food?”

Harry, of course, already had a pan smoking lightly as the aroma of garlic drifted through the bus, “Indian food okay? Won’t make it too spicy, promise.”

Louis nodded, silent, as Niall grinned, bouncing lightly on the sofa beside him, “Perfect, thank you, darling.”

Niall’s eyes widened slightly and Louis felt like he should ask what’s wrong, but then the word registered.  _ Darling.  _ Bile rose in his throat and he tried to keep his face neutral, but his lips twisted with the effort. He might have been successful, might have been able to take a deep breath and turn to Niall so he could ask why the omega was watching him so carefully, blue eyes wide and worried, if Harry hadn’t added cloves to the pan. 

Louis felt panicked tears prick his eyes, vision blurring in ways that made it far too easy to mix up the shadowed corners as those of the club bathroom. His neck was burning, much like the cloves were, Harry abandoning them to join in the worried buzz of people around him. The sharp scent was painful, too much, and Louis choked on a sob as he tried to push off of the couch and run. Run as far as he could before it happened again, before the man smelling of cloves trapped him, revealed him, ruined him into something that he could never be. “

_ You weren’t supposed to be an omega. You can’t be the whore you are, a slut for an alpha’s knot, when no one will ever want you. Just a fucking burden, money we don’t have.” _

“Louis!” Zayn’s voice was frantic, and a part of Louis told him that he wasn’t in the bathroom because Zayn hadn’t been there, but he just cried harder, flinching when a door closed. The empty sound of a lock clicking rang through his memory, the ghost of his touch brushing over the fading bruise he had left behind. 

Louis felt like he had been thrown into a dump, covered in filth and left to live with it, unable to wash away the smell and the dirt. 

“Louis, open your eyes!” 

He couldn’t, if he did, the alpha would be there, “Nonononononononono,” he clamped his hands over his ears, Liam’s voice too easily overpowered by  _ his _ . A hand brushed over his knee and Louis fought a scream, jumping away from the touch, too quick for him to realize it was Niall’s. 

Louis’ lungs constricted, like a hand had clamped over his mouth, sweaty and suffocating as the cloves drew closer. He couldn’t breathe,  _ just a whore, a whiny bitch. Not even good at being a whore. Whorewhorewhore. _

His mind was moving too fast, thoughts jumbling with memories, the bleeding of voices, those that didn’t belong in the club bathroom, dim in comparison, lost in the swirl. He needed to scratch, Louis had been so bad, he was so dirty and he needed to bleed in recompense. His nails dug into his scalp, harsh and biting but not enough, and he shifted so he could claw at the soft skin of his forearm. Louis was pressed against something hard and he sobbed, the alpha had him against the wall again. He waited for the sharp pressure against his neck, the lack of air followed by the breaking of skin as teeth tore through his neck, but it didn’t come. 

Arms wrapped around him, the wall behind him shifted,  _ not a wall then _ , and a hand was stroking through his hair. 

“You’re not there, lovey, just open your eyes,” Liam’s voice was a low hum threaded with a calm that seemed on the verge of breaking into something else entirely, “You’re safe, we’re here. Won’t let anyone hurt you again.”

Louis hiccuped, eyes squeezing shut as he trembled against the Alpha, tears still streaming down his face. 

“Take a deep breath,” someone gripped his hand and Louis yelped, pushing closer to the one person he had identified: Liam, “Hey hey, it’s okay, it’s me, babe, it’s Niall, your flower. Can you take a deep breath, nice and long, so you can open your eyes for us?”

“Fl-lower?” 

“He’s right here,” Liam soothed a hand over his back, “Haz and Z too, we all want to see those eyes, Lou. It’s just us.”

“Promise?”

* * *

“Promise?”

Louis sounded so small when he said it, like a young child asking their parents if they were really sure there was nothing under their bed or lurking in the closet. The words were muffled into his chest, the omega draped sideways over his lap with his chest turned so he could hide his face in Liam’s shirt. Liam fought not to squeeze the omega closer, wrap around him and black out everything that came close. 

“I promise, Lou,” Liam whispered, voice too steady to convey all the emotions rattling inside of him. 

Louis pulled away slightly, his eyes blinking open and darting around the room, Liam felt the tenseness relax as the older male slumped against him, relief fueling another round of tears. 

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” Louis was blubbering, his nose red to match the angry color creeping into the corner of his eyes, “Didn’t mean to.”

Niall was quick to approach again from the small distance he had created when Louis had flinched away. Harry was watching wide eyed with a hand clutching at his curls, Zayn had an arm wrapped around his middle like he was deciding whether he couldn’t breathe or if he was about to throw up. 

“Lou, don’t apologize. It’s okay. We’re not mad-”

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Such a whore. Bad,” Liam watched the mirror of his eyes widening in Niall’s, obviously not what any of them had been expecting. They thought he had been apologizing for freaking out, panicking, but he was apologizing for being what he had apparently been told he was. 

Louis' hand was reaching for the mark on his neck and Liam caught his wrist gently, “No, you are not a whore,” his voice was firm, probably too alpha for the situation, but it was taking everything not to growl the words out. Louis snapped his attention to him, eyes wide, face wet with the tears that hung suspended in his eyes, swimming with disbelief. 

“Wha-?”

“You’re not a whore,” Harry repeated the statement, stepping closer and dropping to his knees in front of the couch where Liam, Louis, and Niall were. 

“And you’re not bad,” Zayn’s voice was thick, slower than usual as he tried to control the emotions that Liam could feel raging through the pack bond. 

Louis looked confused, eyebrows furrowing in a way that made Liam’s heart want to shatter some more. It was as if no one had told him that before. With a shuddering breath, the realization thudded heavy in Liam’s chest,  _ no one probably had told him.  _

His breath got caught in his throat, watching Louis’ face change from confused and sad to contemplative when Niall patted his knee and told him again, “You’re good, Louis.”

Louis shrugged, looking down at his lap, his head tilting before he seemed to realize that he was still in Liam’s lap, blushing and beginning to get up, he muttered more apologies. 

Liam sighed, his arm around the omega’s waist unmoving, keeping him still, “Just rest, Lou, Harry is gonna finish cooking-“

The omega’s nose twitched and Liam felt panic flood him when more tears began to fill blue eyes, “I uh-can you-uh, the-the cloves, he, um, he smelled like cloves.”

Liam had never seen Harry move so quickly, a twisted frown on his lips as he grabbed the pan and quickly disposed of the smoking cloves outside. Zayn grabbed a bottle of air freshener that had been given to them as a joke because according to Lou they stunk. Louis looked guilty when Harry clambered back in, promptly washing the pan off and turning the stove back on, “How about pasta then?”

Louis nodded, “Thank you, Haz. I’m sorry to be so much trouble.” 

Liam frowned, but Harry beat him to it, “Lou, you’re not a burden and I know that words won’t change your mind,” Louis looked ready to protest, but Harry silenced him with a furrowed look, “but we’re your best friends and we’re going to take care of you.”

“I don’t need someone to-”

Niall nudged Louis’ foot softly, “We’re not just anyone, Lou, and to be quite honest nothing will stop us from watching over you.”

Louis looked confused again, like the whole idea was foreign to him, chewing thoughtfully on his bottom lip before he shrugged, frowning lightly, “I really can’t convince you otherwise?” 

Liam laid his chin onto Louis’ shoulder, breathing in lightly only to find that he still didn’t smell like anything, “Nope. Can’t convince them either,” he motioned to Zayn and Harry who looked offended at the suggestion of one of them changing their minds, “I can always go all Alpha, but I’m pretty sure Niall could scare them into it.”

His omega grinned, eyes flicking happily over the sight of Louis in his Alpha’s lap, “Damn right I would.”

* * *

Louis ate the pasta. His stomach was bulging from the half plate he had managed to eat without throwing up all over the table, but he ate it. The fat stuck to his hips and thighs, too much, far too much. He had escaped from Liam’s lap, holding back the words that had nipped at the tip of his tongue since he had realized his sitting situation,  _ I’m too heavy. I’ll crush you.  _

Liam hadn’t said anything, but Louis just knew, he  _ knew, _ that it must have been painful for the Alpha. He had tried to escape to the bathroom but his episode had lasted far too long and they had to get ready for the show which Louis would be participating in, much to the protest of the pack. Caroline had tried to give him his usual tank top, gaping slightly at the sides, but with the food clinging to his ribs, he shook his head and slid on a long sleeved shirt, his hands fiddling with the cuffs that hung low, his fingers barely brushing past the edge. The mark had been covered up with makeup, but luckily the shirt covered it nicely, soft against his skin. 

He tugged on a pair of jeans, jumping slightly to get them over the curve of his arse,  _ you’re too far, everyone will see it. See the way your thighs are too wide, hips too curvy. You look like the whiny bitch you are. _

Niall tugged Louis toward Lou, a soft smile playing on the omega’s lips, “Will you do the cinnamon roll tonight?”

He mimicked the swirl, hand brushing through Louis’ fringe until Lou slapped his hand away, “Go get dressed, you’re going to make this mess,” she motioned to Louis’ hair, “worse.”

Louis made an offended sound, lips turning down, “Don’t leave me alone with  _ her _ , flower,” his words were an exaggerated whisper. Lou laughed and flicked Louis on the back of the head.

Niall ended up shuffling off after that, posing dramatically for Louis while Caroline searched for a shirt. Louis was laughing lightly while Lou set to work.

* * *

Twenty minutes later with hairspray still lingering in his eyes (Louis really needed to stop bouncing in his seat while Lou sprayed chemicals on his hair), Louis was jittering nervously. His fingers fumbled for the tenth time, the sound pack slipping through his fingers and tumbling to the ground. 

“Fuck, dammit,” Louis cursed, reaching down and trying again. 

A hand stilled him, Zayn smiled lightly and helped click the pack in place, stringing Louis’ ears through the back of his shirts. 

Louis was just about to tell him that he could’ve done it himself when the alpha spoke, voice soft, “You’re shaking.”

Unsure if he was referring to the reason Louis needed help or if he had just seen it, Louis glanced down at his hands. Sure enough, they trembled in front of him. 

Louis wasn’t sure what to say, he shrugged, eyes darting to where Niall was leaning against Liam and Harry was talking to Mark.

“You haven’t stopped shaking since we left the hospital.”

Shoving his hands into his pockets, Louis shrugged again, silence biting harshly at his lips as his eyes darted to the floor. Zayn didn’t continue and Louis felt the words tumble out, “I’m nervous.”

Dark eyes stared down at him, and Louis stuttered to continue, “Well, I mean, I've been nervous. The fans, I just,” he swallowed, “I don’t want to let them down and here I am, about to perform after they found out I've been lying to them for years.”

Zayn softened, hand lifting like he was going to adjust the piece of hair that had fallen from the style (as Niall had called it, a ‘cinnamon roll’) before thinking better of it and brushing it off as a motion to fix his own hair, “They love you, Lou. You’re still the same, if they have an issue with it then fuck them, they’re not a true fan, okay?”

Louis smiled wryly, it was too empty, the reflection in Zayn’s face grating and sad, “Shouldn’t say that about the people who pay your paychecks.”

“One, there’s no proof of anyone that falls into that category. Two, they shouldn’t say anything about my best friend, I could care less about their contribution to our paychecks.”

“Two minutes, people! Two minutes!!”

Louis felt his mouth twist nervously, suddenly acutely aware of the volume of the crowd, feeling overwhelmingly exposed despite the fact that they couldn’t see him backstage. 

“Whatever Zayn told you that you’re thinking of disagreeing with or disputing,” Harry was shouting over the growing noise, Niall pressed into Louis' side, “He’s right. Especially if it’s about going out there, they love you, Louis and if they don’t, screw them.”

Zayn looked amused that his mate’s response that was practically the same as his while Louis made an affronted sound, louder than usual so it would carry through the roar. 

Niall nudged him, his voice a small shout in Louis’ ear, “Let me guess, that’s what Zayn said?”

Nodding, Louis shouted right back, “Let me guess, he’s right?”

He got a grin in return, Niall’s laugh reverberating through the earpiece Louis shoved in, the other hanging around his neck. Louis let the sound, familiar and warm, wash over him, quieting the roar and the pounding in his head. 

The pack was smiling softly at Niall, maybe him too, but Louis soaked it up regardless.

“Thirty seconds!”

The nerves in his stomach followed the crescendo of the crowd, his hands playing with his mic as he tried to compose the pounding of his heart. Zayn squeezed his shoulder, Niall gave him a kiss on the cheek, Harry tried to ruffle his hair before Niall stopped him with a flat and “don’t touch the cinnamon roll,” and Liam sent him a warm, reassuring smile that turned his eyes into the colour of melted chocolate. 

The opening bars played and Louis felt his head bob to the beat, an anxiety tick that he had picked up during X-Factor. 

Harry winked at him as they rose up, the smoke machines pumping out the fog as the stage manager screamed, “Three! Two! One!”

_ “Straight off the plane to a new hotel…” _

* * *

It was just like any other show, Louis felt himself relaxing as he kept his voice and hands steady the whole time. He dumped a bottle of water on Liam’s head, running to hide behind Niall when the Alpha growled playfully at him. 

He was still laughing, jumping away from the water that Liam flung toward him in retaliation, when he announced the next song. 

“All right guys, this is our last song tonight, you have been absolutely beautiful. Can’t explain how glad I am that we got to reschedule this show, your support is absolutely incredible!”

The crowd screamed back and he smiled, his breath catching in his chest, “This is ‘Strong!’”

“My hand, your hands tied up like two ships.”

Louis was settled into his spot on the far end, glancing down the line they formed, smiling wide at Liam and waving a water bottle back and forth tauntingly. He didn’t have time to actually splash it at the Alpha before the build up to the chorus was starting and he took a deep breath. 

“I'm sorry-”

They were drowned out, the fans were singing so loud that Louis was stunned into silence, eyes darting out over the thousands of heads, seemingly each one holding something in the air, “ _ if I say, "I need you.” But I don't care, I'm not scared of love. 'Cause when I'm not with you I'm weaker. Is that so wrong? Is it so wrong? That you make me strong.” _

Louis hadn’t realized he was crying until he registered that they were holding roses.  _ White _ roses. 

* * *

**White Rose** [as defined by the International Omega Protection Agency] 

_ a symbol to represent suppressed omegas, the purity they feel they’ve lost, the silence they were forced into, and their everlasting virtue.  _ _ The white rose is a persevering symbol, one that has been the pinnacle of flowers for centuries, there is nothing better to represent the survivors that suppression produces.  _

* * *

**_#WhiteRosesForLouis_** Fans of One Direction show support of recently hospitalized Louis Tomlinson, a suppressed omega, through the international symbol of suppression and freedom thereof, the white rose.

**_@OT5ISREAL:_ **

**** _ Did you see how soft the pack looked at him when they realized what was happening????? We love Louis, but the pack loves him more…  _ **_#WhiteRosesForLouis_ **

**_@nouis:_ **

_ Louis, you make us strong!  _ **_#WhiteRosesForLouis_ **

**_@zianarry_:_ **

_ He doesn’t deserve this attention. He’s ruining the pack. Screw  _ **_#WhiteRosesForLouis._ ** _ Screw Louis.  _

**_@smolbeanlou:_ **

__ **_@zianarry__ ** _ screw you, bitch. louis is so strong and doesn’t deserve this crap. people like you think you know what’s good for the pack, well news flash, you don’t. leave the pack and louis alone. you’re not a true fan if you don’t love all of them.  _ **_#whiterosesforlouis._ **

**_@niallhoran liked this tweet_ **

**_@onedirection:_ **

_ Thank you, Edinburgh!! Beautiful people and a beautiful show. Will never forget  _ **_#WhiteRosesForLouis!_ **

* * *

**_Louis Tomlinson is an Omega!_ ** _ Confirmed by One Direction’s twitter account last night, the White Rose for Louis movement is trending worldwide! One Direction’s tweet thanking Edinburgh for the show included a sweet mention to the hashtag as something unforgettable. For more information, check our twitter  _ **_@dailymail_official_ ** _ for the latest news! _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for getting to the end of this chapter lol...


	12. “you may just be my sun, but i’m blind with the fear of bringing you the darkness inside me, so i look away.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> louis faces the rose, waking up, and an emotion building up inside of him. faced with what it might mean, louis runs. again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here’s the update guys, um it’s a little bit shorter but it’s around four thousand words. i had a rough week so this is the best i got lmao
> 
> pls check out chapter warnings btw
> 
> this is a bit all over the place but i hope it’s acceptable. ummm just btw, if there’s a large section of italics it’s usually a memory or flashback, i’m sorry if it gets confusing. if you have any questions, please feel free to ask! 
> 
> let me know what you think! enjoy :)
> 
> *chapter warnings* flashbacks, past physical abuse, past torture, past verbal abuse, verbal abuse, fear, depression, anxiety, suicidal actions, language, degrading names, omegan slurs (ig this is what imma call them)

Louis was still drifting on adrenaline, the emotional high of performing fueled further than normal with the display from the fans. He had picked up one of the roses that had been thrown on stage, fingers dancing over the petals as an arm was thrown over his shoulders, guiding him out toward the bus. Any other time, Louis would be faking beta, his disguise furthered by the rush of performance that had him bouncing around, voice loud and unforgiving in the space until the door to the pack’s room slammed shut and Louis found himself curling up in bed with soundproof headphones and his journal, Supernatural or Sherlock running in the background. 

Now, he felt the same buzz, the exact same fuel he had used so many times, but all he could do was fall onto the couch, staring numbly at the rose in his hands, thumb pressing lightly over one of the thorns. 

Someone knelt in front of him, the sound of people shouting from outside a quiet hum as the bus stuttered to a start, engine rumbling. Louis didn’t look up, his eyes locked on the flower in his hands, “I don’t understand,” he whispered. 

A thumb brushed over his knee, soft and reassuring. Louis looked up, eyes meeting Zayn’s as Niall settled next to him. Harry pulled his thumb away from where the thorn had dug in, a bead of blood swelling and staining his skin. Liam said something that echoed down the hall before pulling closed the hallway door that when shut separated the living space from the front area of the bus that included the bathroom and storage areas. 

Louis felt something bubble inside of him, tears pressed against his lashline and he didn’t know, he was so lost as to what it was he was feeling, “I don’t understand,” he repeated, the words being the closest thing to actually conveying what he was feeling. 

“You don’t always have to understand, Lou,” blue eyes went wide, Louis’ head whipping to the side to look up at Harry. His eyes weren’t reprimanding, but soft and warm as if you had melted down emeralds, Louis felt like drowning in them. Harry’s hand came up slowly, cautiously to brush back a stray piece of Louis’ hair. Louis still couldn’t keep himself from flinching softly, but he leaned into the touch, reassuring the alpha that it was okay, “It’s okay to not know everything, you don’t always have to be the strong one.”

Louis felt his mouth twist into a frown, “I don’t understand that either,” he looked down at his fingers that were tapping nervously at the stem of the rose, “I’m not very good at having people..”  _ Care. Know. See me. Try to help.  _ Louis didn’t know how to finish it so he just grounded himself in the warm press of Harry’s hand on his shoulder. 

“You always had us,” Niall pulled Louis closer to him, “you just know it now. We’re never gonna let you be alone again.”

The omega pointed to the rose in Louis’ hands, chin falling onto the older boy’s shoulder, voice revealing a smile, “They won’t let you forget how loved you are.”

* * *

Louis woke up, a blanket tucked tightly around his shoulder and a warm body pressing against his back. Something caught in his throat, heart racing as he glanced over his shoulder, half expecting Eleanor with her stupid phone and no shirt, only to find it to be Niall who had an arm slung over his waist. 

“He didn’t want to leave you,” Louis’ head snapped up to find that Liam was leaning against the doorway, a pair of sweats hanging low on his hips, a strip of skin showing from where his t-shirt had ridden up. 

Louis felt guilt pool in his stomach, something warm and needy bleeding into the feeling at the sight of the Alpha’s casual display, his voice was weak when he spoke, because of which emotion he wasn’t sure, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to steal him,” his eyes flitted to the floor, a nervous twitch flexing his fingers sporadically. 

Liam’s face softened, “I wouldn’t have been able to pull him away if I wanted to,” his face cleared, a bit stern, “And I didn’t want to.” 

“But,” Louis stumbled for the words before finishing dumbly, “He’s your omega.”

“And you’re mine,” Niall’s voice was soft against his neck, breath warm, sending a shiver down Louis’ spine. The older omega watched Liam’s eyes go a little bit wide and looked away before he could analyse the emotion behind it. 

“Don’t say that, Ni,” Louis’ voice was soft, quavering slightly in warning. He didn’t want to make any of the alphas mad, and he knew, from all of his experiences, that testing an alpha’s possession over their omega was a good way to get beat. 

“What’s going on in here?” 

Louis was quick to answer Harry’s question with a desperate, “Nothing,” clawing from his lips as he scrambled out from under Niall’s arm and combed his hands through his hair to hide how badly they were shaking. The rationality of being scared of them was low, so low, they were his best friends and ever since they had met, even when he had just been a beta to them, they had been patient and never violent. Still, Louis’ fear wasn’t rational, it was a weighted, heavy emotion that shredded his insides into a mess of terror, nausea, and anxiety that had him shifting nervously, hand still pressed to his head as he looked toward the bathroom for escape only to find Liam still leaning in the doorway of the hall. 

“Louis,” Niall’s hand brushed his own that had fallen limply to his side and Louis flinched from the touch, eyes squeezing shut, “hey, they’re not angry.”

Louis wasn’t sure how Niall could tell what he was afraid of, but he felt the fear tighten its hold on his lungs because Niall had just told them what they were feeling, and alphas didn’t like that. They never liked being told anything. 

“Angry?”

* * *

_ “Angry? I’m not angry,” Lindsay looked confused and Louis wasn’t sure how he was supposed to feel, something rushed through him, foreign to his normal conversations with Lindsay, he felt like he might actually have a chance of escaping. _

_ “I’m furious,” Every ounce of useless hope that had built up in Louis shattered, stabbing sharply at his limbs, fear sparking in him so quickly he hadn’t even realized he was running until a hand grabbed the back of his collar and yanked. Hard. Louis choked, grasping at the front of his shirt as he tumbled to the ground. A rag was stuffed in his mouth to keep him quiet and tears flooded Louis’ eyes, trickling steadily down his cheeks as he realized what this meant. Whatever Lindsay was planning, it would hurt, hurt enough that he wouldn’t be quiet and the presence of Carl outside her room wouldn’t be enough to deter someone.  _

_ Lindsay sent a foot crashing into his ribs and Louis’ groan was muffled by the cloth as he tried to squirm away, “Stay still and take your punishment like a good boy. Like the useless bitch you are _ **.** _ ” _

_ The pain blooming in his chest expanded when the toe of her heel wedged his stomach, his teeth digging into the cloth as he failed to keep the sobs from racking through his aching ribs. Lindsay cooed at him, bending down into a crouch, “Look, you’re crying. Does it hurt?” she yanked the rage from his lips, “Tell me how much it hurts. Beg for my forgiveness and maybe I’ll let you walk away now.” _

_ Louis gritted his teeth,  _ beta’s take the beatings. They don’t cry, be fucking beta,  _ “No,” he spat, “Fuck you.” Lindsay’s smile widened, “Carl!”  _

_ The beta walked in, eyes gleaming sickly when they caught sight of Louis on the floor with tear tracks on his face, the door falling shut behind him, “Yes, ma’am?” _

_ “It seems my little bitch found some beta in him,” Lindsay stood up, her heel pressing down on Louis’ chest when he tried to do the same. Louis felt his throat clog, hoping he hadn’t made a mistake by acting like a beta,  _ please that’s all you ever wanted me to be. I did all that was ever asked of me,  _ his eyes squeezed shut. “I think we need to wash his mouth out. He obviously doesn’t know better than to talk back to me.” _

_ Carl grinned, seemingly in tune with whatever Lindsay was thinking, the beta ambled into the bathroom and Louis took a shuddering breath when the alpha’s fingers wrapped around his chin. “Even as a beta, you will listen to me. S’all you whores are good for anyway.” _

_ “W-what are you going to do?” _

_ She didn’t answer, not that she ever did, and pinned his shoulders to the ground with her knees, sitting heavy on his chest. Carl walked back into the room as Lindsay took the rag into her hands again, unfurling it and grinning when she took the pitcher from Carl’s hands. Realization hit like a landslide, the rocks collapsing and crushing him as fear had him struggling to buck Lindsay off of his chest. Pressure fell on his kicking legs as Lindsay stilled his head, smoothing the rag over his nose and mouth.  _

_ Then the first drop of water hit and Louis couldn’t sob anymore, back arching as the air was cut off in a torturous lesson of an identity that was drowning him, literally.  _

* * *

Louis fell to his knees in front of the toilet, stomach emptying violently at the memory still racing through his veins. A hand rubbed at his back and he flinched, choking back a groan as he heaved again, Niall’s voice a calm, steady presence in the background.

“Holy shit, Louis, are you okay?” It was Zayn and Louis felt a sob rip through him, aware that all three alphas were hovering behind where Niall was crouched down next to Louis. His arm reached around, flushing the vomit down the drain and wiping Louis’ chin with a rag.

“Please, please don’t be angry,” He cried, forehead falling pitifully against his arm, chest constricting painfully, “I’m sorry.”

“Louis,” Liam’s voice was taken aback, the grit of his words rough like a rock whose surface had not yet been smoothed by the sea, “We’re not angry with you, even if we were,  _ if _ we were, we would never, oh god,” the Alpha’s voice caught, “we would  _ never  _ hurt you.”

“But,” Louis was lost, his head was spinning and he couldn’t form any coherent train of logic.  _ But you’re alphas _ , is what he wanted to say, but he choked on the words, his stomach revolting at the reaction he knew he would receive. 

Niall pressed a damp cloth to the back of his neck, “But nothing. If anyone tries to hurt you again, you hit back.”

Louis was shaking his head before he could think about it, “No no, they,” his voice dropped into a broken whisper, the bleeding stain of memories coating his words, “they don’t like that.”

“Then I’ll hit them,” Niall promised, hand still rubbing tentatively at Louis’ trembling shoulder blades. 

“You’re not afraid,” it should’ve been a question, disbelief coloured his voice but Niall had sounded so sure, it would make no sense for it to be anything other than a statement. “How are you not afraid?” 

Louis felt the familiar rush of tears and he looked at Niall earnestly, “How?” his voice broke and he didn’t try to fight the hug he found himself engulfed in. A hand ran through his hair, “Because I wasn’t abused, my omega wasn’t suppressed, and I have three alphas that would probably kill anyone who hurt me.”

“I wasn’t-“

“You were, babes, you were, but it’s okay,” Niall pressed the words to the crown of his head, soft and warm around him. 

“I wasn’t, I wasn’t,  _ oh god _ ,” Louis’ fisted Niall’s shirt, trembling as the younger boy shushed him. 

“It’s okay, you’re safe.”

“You tell me that you're sad and lost your way. You tell me that your tears are here to stay, but I know you're only hiding and I just wanna see you.” 

It felt like when he was still confined to the hospital bed, his best friends singing their songs to him. 

“You tell me that you're hurt and you're in pain, and I can see your head is held in shame. But I just wanna see you smile again, see you smile again.”

Louis felt something warm claw at his heart, unaccompanied by the usual stab of pain. It wrapped around him, tingling at his skin and flushed his skin. He had felt it before, the few times he had been tackled into pack cuddles after shows despite him not being in the pack, the Thursday night dinners when they would laugh at his jokes and let him steal their food, the days of travel where they would watch Sherlock and write songs. When he thought about it, it was a familiar but alien feeling, a contradiction of himself. The pack made him feel safe when he believed that he could never be safe anywhere, not even in his own body. 

“But don't burn out, even if you scream and shout. It'll come back to you, and I'll be here for you.”

Louis felt a different kind of tears prick at his eyes,  _ he was so fucking screwed.  _ He was never supposed to feel like this, his heart beating out of his chest in a good way as his friends pressed closer. 

“Oh, I will carry you over fire and water for your love. And I will hold you closer, hope your heart is strong enough. When the night is coming down on you. We will find a way, through the dark.”

* * *

They arrived in London and Louis did what he does best: he ran away. It was useless really, his arms shoving open the bus door, almost tripping down the steps as he ignored Liam’s, “Louis!”

He wasn’t wearing shoes, his socked feet ripping painfully against the rough surface. He didn’t know what he was doing as he ran, only hoped that the further he got from the echo of the pack’s calls and footsteps, the weaker the grip the emotion would have on him. 

It clung to his ribs, tightening around his heart painfully. His hands were shaking, his eyesight blurred, the feeling only growing in his chest as he realized that he had finally lost the pack in the maze of the parking garage they had ended up in. He slowed to a walk, turning around another corner as his heart seemed stuck between stopping completely and racing out of his chest. 

He felt like he was going through withdrawal all over again, vision blurred as his stomach cramped painfully. Louis stumbled over to the concrete barrier, hands pressing at it as he stared down at the street below, people walking around completely oblivious. 

Louis envied them, he wished he could pretend to be unaware of the issues surrounding him, the issue he was. He hadn’t realized he had crawled up onto the barrier, legs hanging over the edge, so maybe a part of him was oblivious. It wasn’t enough. To be oblivious, that is. For the longest time, Louis had to be oblivious to the things he wasn’t allowed to be, that he couldn’t feel. And now, he was allowed to feel, he was allowed to be what he was never supposed to be, and what he ended up feeling was something he could never have. 

_ You should jump. Just push off, that’s all it would take, and then you wouldn’t feel anything anymore.  _

He pressed at the concrete with sweaty palms, eyes fixed firmly on the ground that was tilting up toward him, beckoning to meet him in a violent collision. He choked on his cry, chest heaving because he just wanted to stop feeling this. He couldn’t feel  _ this.  _

Louis heard them before he saw them, the frantic footsteps followed by the labored voices ridden with panic. 

“Louis!”

He turned his head to the side as they froze, “Lou, get down from there.”

Laughing emptily, Louis wiped at his tears, “I don’t know how to do this.”

He heard the caution, the fake calm practically dripping off of Zayn’s words, as if he was talking someone down from a ledge, and Louis realized, he was, “Don’t know how to do what?”

“How to,”  _ stop this feeling, stop myself from falling into a place I won’t get up from,  _ “be okay,” he whispered, eyes darting back to the ground, never fully looking back, scared of what he would find. 

He took a shuddering breath, chin tucking into his chest, while he waited for the inevitable rebuke of how stupid he was being, his dramatics for attention gone too far. 

“You don’t have to be okay,” Niall’s voice was closer than Zayn’s, soft and careful with an undertone of anxiety that omegas couldn’t hide like alphas, “It’s alright to need help.”

“People keep saying that,” Louis slammed his hand into the concrete, his palm scraping harshly on the surface. “You keep saying that,” he repeated, softer this time, “and I don’t know how any of you are supposed to fix me, someone so completely broken, that,” he swallowed, leg kicking out, “I think that you should go, I don’t want you to see this.”

“This?” Harry sounded caught between anger and terror, “There is no this, Lou, please get down. Baby, please just get down and we can help you. In any way you need, please, just come to us. Let us in.”

Frustration tore through him, Louis gripped at his hair, the feeling tugged harder at his heart, too warm and too good for him, “You don’t want in, it’s...it’s so bad,” his voice cracked, “I don’t want to scare you off.”

“Let us be the judge of that, Lou, please,” Liam’s voice was close enough that Louis knew that if he tried to jump, the Alpha would be able to yank him back. 

Louis turned and took Liam’s hand, tumbling into the Alpha’s embrace, tears leaking steadily down his face, “I’m sorry,” he mumbled, Liam’s hand heavy on his upper back. 

A rush of  _ that  _ feeling tore through him, “You ran.”

Louis nodded into Liam’s collarbone as he felt Niall press into his left side, Harry to his back, and Zayn to the right, completely surrounded by the pack. 

“Last time you ran like that you almost died.”

_ -Louis felt nausea rush through him and this time no one could stop him as he tore himself from Niall’s grasp and sprinted past Harry and Liam, tearing open the door and practically falling down the stairs as his heart threatened to beat out of his chest.  _

_ “Louis!” “Louis!” “Louis!” _

_ There was a shadow ahead of him and Louis slid to a stop as it turned out to be Zayn who whipped around at his mates’ shouts.  _

_ Louis gasped and darted to the side, his legs pumping as fast as they could, “Louis!” _

_ He could hear them catching up and all Louis could do was squeeze through a hole in a piece of fencing and hailing a cab. He closed the door just in time to see Liam rip the fencing open and step through, radiating so much Alpha that Louis could feel the dominance through the glass. Their eyes met as Niall appeared next to him, Zayn and Harry after that, Louis’ hand pressed against the glass, a silent last ‘I’m sorry’ as the cab sped away _ .-

Shuddering at the memory, Louis’ voice caught slightly, “I was scared.”

“What were you this time?” It wasn’t an accusation, not a bleeding question with hidden thorns that were designed to rip into his skin if he answered wrong. 

The emotion clawed up in him, a warm crescendo of something he could never show as it turned into something that he was familiar, something far less dangerous with fewer implications than anything else his traitor heart was calling for. 

“Terrified,” Louis breathed the words, the world slowed, his heart thumping painfully because he still was scared, scared to feel the things he hardly dared to think about let alone name, “I was terrified.”

* * *

**_one new voicemail...from Mum…_ **

_ “I saw you on the news today, I hope you know how disappointed we are. Causing such a scandal….this better not affect your paycheck, you know we need money. Although I wouldn’t be surprised if they cut the salary for a stupid omegan whore. I cant believe that you would be so reckless, now they know and that includes them knowing what a worthless slut you are. If you were here I’d let Mark beat your sorry ass and then you would be given time to think. You’ve let yourself go, being an omega, ha! Like you could even come close to being half good at being a cocksleeve. The girls are confused, hurt, you’ve ruined their life, all because you couldn’t swallow some fucking pills...do better, Louis. You were meant to be a beta, act like one, so you can die like one.” _


	13. “you were my distraction from the demons that swarmed throughout my every thought.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> louis listens to his mother and struggles in the aftermath. can a pack dinner at nandos help him forget?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey, so here’s this chapter, um
> 
> yeah, idk guys, i’m really tired and i was struggling to write this so it’s a bit shorter. 
> 
> also, just to make something clear, to avoid an confusion, this story is completely original. it might have similarities to big white lie or other beta louis stories, but it is my own words and any similarities are not intentional. i’m sorry if you think this, honestly, if it’s something that a lot of people think then i might take this down because i don’t want to even seem like i’m copying someone else. um, so yeah, just an fyi ig. 
> 
> also, so there are security with them, but i just didn’t fit it into the words so yeah, they’re there promise. 
> 
> so here’s the chapter, i hope you guys enjoy! lmk what you think :)
> 
> thanks for giving this story a chance :)
> 
> *chapter warnings* verbal abuse, reference to suppression, panick attacks, unintentional self harm, blood, but it’s also SO fluffy okay? you’ll see, you’ll see

Louis stared at his phone. The single notification glaring back on the screen was all of his worst nightmares coalesced into a small banner that was guaranteed to bring him pain. 

No one had said anything when he had emerged back by the buses with the pack, eyes red and a protective arm over his shoulders. They had checked into their hotel discreetly, a pair of sunglasses shielding the evidence of Louis’ upset. 

The pack was right across the hall, the temptation of knocking on their door swelling up in Louis as his finger trembled over the play button for the voicemail. His teeth snapped down on his lip, the sharp metallic tang of his blood, slight but steady against his taste buds. 

He didn’t need someone to hold his hand because he was scared of a few words over the phone. 

He pressed play. 

_ “I saw you on the news today,”  _ Louis sighed, heel pressing into his forehead. He knew that they would find out, but he had also hoped to be out of the country when they did. 

_ “I hope you know how disappointed we are. Causing such a scandal….”  _ It wasn’t the worst he had heard, in fact his heart slowed to a stuttering canter, calmed by the lack of outright fury and insults he had been expecting. 

_ “This better not affect your paycheck, you know we need money. Although I wouldn’t be surprised if they cut the salary for a stupid omegan whore.”  _

Louis closed his eyes, steeling himself from the words that expressed his mother’s growing anger, _“Can’t believe that you would be so reckless,”_ she tutted, disappointed, “ _now they know and that includes them knowing what a worthless slut you are. If you were here I’d let Mark beat your sorry ass”_ Like you ever stopped him before, Louis thought bitterly, teeth sawing at his lip, “ _and then you would be given time to think.”_

The memories, dark and twisted, of his time spent in the confined space of the hallway closet, the coats hanging down around him as he waited for the door to open, stomach clawing with neglected hunger. “ _ You’ve let yourself go, being an omega, ha! Like you could even come close to being half good at being a cocksleeve.” _

_ “The girls are confused, hurt, you’ve ruined their life, all because you couldn’t swallow some fucking pills...do better, Louis,”  _ Louis’ stomach rolled, the mention of his siblings slamming into him like a brick, taking all cohesive thought away. He couldn’t breath, his insides clenched and he threw himself into the bathroom, falling against the porcelain bowl and emptying his stomach as the next words played through his speaker, still audible from where Louis had discarded it on the bed, “ _ You were meant to be a beta, act like one, so you can die like one.” _

Louis cried there, the smell barely even a thought as tears rolled down his cheeks and he dry heaved, heart clenching painfully as everything flooded over him at once. The voicemail started over with a startling beep, the words of his mother repeating into the air emptied by Louis’ gasps, struggling as he curled in on himself. His head pounded, mingled with the hollow feeling of sickness lingering in his stomach, he couldn’t hear, he couldn’t see. Louis barely knew his own name as he tried to drown out the sound of his mother’s voice, unable to stand and turn it off. 

He fell backwards, ears ringing as he slammed his head back into the tile,  _ “...worthless slut you are. If you were here, I’d let Mark beat your ass..”  _ Louis sobbed, head hitting the bathroom floor again,  _ “and then you’d be given time to think.” _

“Let me out,” he whimpered, lashes sticky with his tears, his head hit the tile again, he felt dizzy, his nose was burning, something warm and wet falling onto his upper lip. He was powerless to stop it, his voice melding into a chorus of broken, practically inaudible murmuring of “Letmeoutletmeout,” his mother’s voice rang in his ears, condescending and disappointed. His head slammed against the tile but this time he didn’t feel the pain of the impact, he went numb as darkness edged on his vision before consuming him whole. 

* * *

Waking up was hard, the darkness pulled at his limbs, weighing him down into the enticing warmth of sleep, but Louis broke the surface, his heart stuttering painfully as his hands pressed into something cold. He was still on the bathroom floor, the tiles cool under his fingertips as he winced, disoriented. A dull throb hammered the back of his head and he groaned, flinching as the light assaulted his senses. Pushing himself upright, Louis let his finger drift to the back of his head, biting back a pained sound as his fingers pressed into the center of his pain, coming back tacky with drying blood. 

From the feel of it, his head had taken a nasty hit against the floor, his thoughts muddled as he strained to push through the fog surrounding his memory. It was a blur, his ears were ringing painfully, the echo of his mother’s voicemail still going from the room. He stumbled to his feet, vision blurry with the effort of staying upright. He pushed through the open door of the bathroom, hand flying for his phone, fumbling to shut off the god awful sound of his mother’s voice, the words already burned into the ache hammering against his mind.

Trudging back into the bathroom, Louis flicked on the shower all the way to the left, waiting for the steam to rise as he peeled off his clothes and stepped inside, crying out when the water burned against the back of his head, the water turning pink as it trickled down the drain.

He felt the sting of tears prick at his eyes, the resounding reminder of his sisters stabbing at his gut. 

He had forgotten. Louis had forgotten to call them in the whir of chaos his life had dissolved into since waking up in the hospital. Shame stirred in his gut, rising up as his breathing grew heavier under the weight of his guilt. He felt empty, standing there, fingers massaging shampoo into his hair, avoiding his wound as he let his nails dig into the soft skin of his scalp. He closed his eyes as the water cascaded over his head, washing away the remaining evidence of tears from his face. 

Louis’ breath caught and he let his nails scrape down his side, digging into the too chubby flesh of his hips and stomach. After he turned the water off, Louis found himself in front of the mirror, form dotted with red and blotchy patches from the lingering heat that radiated from his damp skin. He wiped through the condensation building on the mirror, his hands shaking as his appearance warped, the fat hanging off of him, he frowned. Unable to look anymore, Louis turned away and walked out of the room. 

He slid on baggy clothes, a long sleeved shirt that hung off his frame and a pair of joggers that he had stolen from one of the boys, trembling fingers situating a beanie over his hair, covering the evidence of the pounding in his head. 

Louis looked at the clock that was ticking on the wall, 4:17 p.m., which meant he had been passed out for around an hour and a half and also that his mother would be at work still but the girls would be home from school. 

He called the house, heart hammering in time to the ring of the dial, hands gripping the metal until his skin turned white under the strain. 

_ “Hello?” _

“Lottie?”

_ “Oh my god, Louis!”  _ He could hear the tears in her voice, his own ripping past his eyelashes as he choked back a sad sound. The whirl of voices collided on the other end; Phoebe, Daisy, Fiz, and Lottie all calling to him. 

“I’m so sorry I didn’t call sooner, I just,” He coughed lightly, an attempt to keep his voice from cracking, “I don’t even have an excuse. I’m so sorry. I should’ve called first thing, I got caught up and I just. I’m so sorry-”

_ “Loubear, shush, we’ve been getting lots of updates from Harry and Liam. It’s okay, we don’t ever want you to feel bad. We’re just so happy you’re okay,”  _ Fiz’s voice cracked and Louis made a comforting sound in the back of his throat. 

“I love you so much,” Louis whispered, “I love all of you so much. I hope you know that I never lied to hurt you, I just, it was what I thought I needed to do.”

He heard the hitch in the breathing on the other side, but he hurried to stop the outpouring of responses he would receive, “I’m about to send Mum some money, do you have any idea how much you girls need?”

The silence that followed was tentative and Louis swallowed, his voice weak, “What? What is it?”

_ “Phoebe, Dais, why don’t you go outside?” _

Louis felt his throat close, teeth tugging on his lip as he listened to Phoebe and Daisy’s short protest that was followed by the barely there sound of footsteps shuffling out of the room. 

“What is it?”

_ “Louis, Mum is gone.” _

“Gone?” Louis’ voice went higher with the panic flooding his limbs, “What do you mean gone?”

_ “She left Louis, after Anne and Robin came to tell us what happened, um she went to the store and just never came back.” _

Louis felt cold, his heart squeezing painfully under the realization that he had been the reason his mother had left his sisters, “I- I’m sorry, I don’t know why she would do that.”

He did know, or at least he strongly suspected it was so she could avoid being implicated and subsequently arrested in the case of his suppression. The guilt hurt worse than the headache, the lingering pain of hunger and the scratch in his throat, all of it was overwhelmed by the hurt he felt for destroying his own family. He tried to keep the tears from his voice, “She had left me a voicemail, asking for money, I thought, well, I thought that meant she would be with you guys. She mentioned you,”  _ to guilt me into sending money _ , “I had no idea she had left, I- I’m sorry.”

_ “Lou,” _ Lottie’s voice was soft, worried,  _ “We know she was the one who put you on the suppressants. _ ” 

“Wha-” Louis shook his head as if the gesture would bleed into his words through the phone, “No, no,” his voice fell into a whisper, “She’s your mother.”

_ “And she was supposed to be yours.” _

Louis wasn’t sure how to feel, standing there in the middle of a hotel room, hearing that his sisters had pieced together the origins of his suppression, he sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose, “How’d you know it was her and dad?”

_ “We may have been young, Louis, but we weren’t stupid,” _ Fizzie sounded upset, her voice thick,  _ “We saw all the pills they gave you, the ones they told us were for your condition, but never mentioned what condition it was.” _

“I was an omega, it was condition enough for them,” Louis sighed, “They were so happy when Lottie presented as an alpha and you presented as a beta, Fiz. I think they thought that because I was a screw up that it would carry to both of you.”

_ “You were never a screw up-” _

“I was to them, Lots,” Louis took a shuddering breath, “I didn’t even care, I wanted to be a good big brother and being a beta was better than being what I was.”

_ “Oh Lou,”  _ Louis winced at the sympathy coating the words, the pain pressing through the phone,  _ “You were and still are absolutely the best big brother. You always took care of us, even when you didn’t have to anymore.” _

“I was a beta, for all of it.”

_ “You were you,”  _ Lottie sounded angry, her voice tinged with alpha,  _ “you took care of us. You were the one who made us soup when one of us was sick. You got two jobs to help pay the bills. You did everything that Mum never tried to do.” _

Louis felt something rise up in him, “I don’t know what to do, Lottie. I don’t know how to be this, I don’t know how to...be okay.”

_ “You’ll learn, love, you just gotta let people help you. You need to let them in.”  _

“People keep saying that,” Louis repeated the same words that had echoed down to the ground when he was ready to jump rather than accept what he was feeling, “How do I do that?”

_ “You let yourself in first.” _

A sharp knock rapped against his door, “Louis? We’re about to go get dinner. Are you ready to go?”

“I’m sorry, I’ve got to go, Lottie, Fiz, I love you both so much. Give the twins all my love, yeah?”

“ _ Of course, Lou, tell the boys we said hi.”  _

“I will, I’ll call soon, keep checking up on you,” he heard the sigh from the other end and he switched to scolding older brother, “I know you’re eighteen and an alpha, Lots, but let me be the protective older brother, yeah?”

_ “Yeah, okay, Lou. Love you, bye.” _

The dial tone signalled the end of the call just as another knock sounded, “Lou, I’m hungry.”

Snorting lightly, Louis slipped on his Vans, “I’m coming, flower, just let me put my shoes on.” He bent over to adjust the shoelace that had come undone and his vision went spotty, fingers fumbling through the motions before he struggled to right himself, hand pressing to the back of his head. 

Double checking that his room key was securely tucked into his wallet, Louis slung a jacket over his shoulders and opened the door. 

He raised an eyebrow, “Is there an occasion I wasn’t aware of?”

He was referring, of course, to their attire. Liam was in a pair of slacks that unlike his normal jeans actually stayed above his hips, with a sleek black t-shirt. Niall was in a pair of dark jeans that stuck like a second skin with a light grey sweater and a leather jacket. Zayn was also wearing a leather jacket,  _ typical,  _ Louis thought, paired with black jeans and a white button up. Harry was wearing his classic skinny jeans, a half buttoned shirt, and a scarf tied in his hair. 

Louis looked down as his sweats and long sleeved shirt, “I’m going to change,” he grabbed his key and tossed his wallet at Liam, who caught it. Niall pouted, “But I’m hungry.”

Louis laughed lightly, already opening his door, “Well, it’s your fault for dressing like bloody models.”

The door was slipping closed behind him, but he heard Niall call out, “Lose the beanie, I miss your fluff.”

Louis grimaced lightly, thinking about the nasty sight the back of his head must be and mentally apologized to Niall because he most definitely was not losing the beanie. He slipped on a pair of jeans, frowning when the material clung to his thighs, and changed his shirt in favor of a t-shirt with a collar that would cover the mark on his neck. He dug out a jean jacket from his suitcase, sitting down this time to put on his shoes, careful to avoid another dizzy spell. 

He opened the door and found himself being dragged down the hall, “Finally,” Niall’s hand was loose around his wrist, but firm enough to have Louis stumbling slightly in the path of Niall’s hunger. 

“It took me five minutes if that, Niall, can we please act like normal people, even hungry people, and walk?”

Zayn snorted out a laugh as Niall shook his head, still bulldozing his way to the elevators, “No way, I want Nandos.”

Liam, bless him, tugged Niall away, dropping a kiss to the omega’s forehead, “Easy on the omega, babe, you’ll get your Nandos.”

Hearing someone refer to him as an omega was like the equivalent to Luke hearing Darth Vader rasp out, ‘Luke, I am your father.’ It was a shock, like cold water had been poured over his head and asked him to take a test but he was too stunned to do anything but stare. He froze for a split second, skipping a step as he struggled to come to terms that he was publicly an omega. 

Harry nudged his shoulder gently, a small smile tugging on the alpha’s lips as he seamlessly changed the subject, “How much do you wanna bet that the waitress cuts Niall off after three servings of fries?”

Louis felt a grin tug on his lips, “Three? Two hundred says that she doesn’t have the nerve to stop him but has her manager do it after six.”

“Hey,” Niall was pouting as the elevator doors slid open, “I better at least get seven, I didn’t eat lunch.”

And Louis really couldn’t resist laughing at that as he slumped against the wall of the elevator, ignoring the pain screaming for him to slump down to the floor and go to sleep. 

* * *

“Are you okay?”

Louis glanced up at Liam who was looking at him, head tilted, eyes curious and big, “Huh?” 

“Are you okay?” The Alpha repeated, following the movement of Louis dragging his fry around on the plate. 

“Oh yeah,” Louis dropped the fry, shrugging as he wiped his fingers on the napkin next to his plate, “Sorry, just thinking.”

Instead of waiting for the question of ‘about what?’ Louis took a sip of his drink and cleared his throat, “I called the girls today, I hadn’t gotten around to it,” he made a vague gesture, “with everything and apparently my mum just left.” 

He swallowed down the lump in his throat, “I mean, she left me a voicemail and asked for money for the girls, but she’s not even with them. I just, I didn’t think she would leave them…”  _ because of me.  _

“She left because of…”

“Yeah,” Louis picked at his food, finger fumbling slightly as he tried to keep his nerves at bay, “At least I assume so considering she flipped her shit over the voicemail. She’s definitely not happy, at the very least. I’m guessing she just needs money now that she’s on her own, but if one thing, my mother was always blunt and honest with me. Never let me believe things that I shouldn’t.” 

“Your mother was horrible to you, Louis,” Niall’s voice was soft and Louis wanted to be upset at the insult toward his own mother but couldn’t force himself to do anything but shrug quietly, “And honest is not a word I would use to describe her. She lied to you for years, boo. She told you that omegas were bad, that you were bad for being one.”

Louis locked eyes with the other omega, his watering slightly, his question silent,  _ Wasn’t I? _

“You’re an omega,” Louis flinched at the words, “and that doesn’t make you any less of anything. You’re strong, kind, loyal, funny, and so many other things that I would list if I had the time. The point is you’re all of those things  _ and  _ an omega.”

Louis didn’t respond, his lips pursed. Harry gave him a quirk of his lips from across the table in the seat next to Niall, Zayn nudged his shoulder, “How were the girls?”

“Good, I think,” he laughed, “better than I’m doing, I think. I was scared of course, calling them for the first time, but they were just the best,” his expression drooped slightly, “I miss them loads.”

He looked up at Harry and Liam, a grateful smile curling his lips, “Thanks for calling them, they told me you kept them updated.” He looked at Harry, everything screaming his sincerity, “Tell Anne thank you for watching over them, I, I really appreciate it.”

“Of course, Lou,” Harry smiled, “she’d love to hear from you, she was really worried. You know you’re like a son to her.”

Louis felt something swell inside of him, the warmth of being seen in the same way that Anne saw Niall, Liam, and Zayn filling him and tingling his limbs. He blushed lightly,  _ it’s because you’re close to her son, not any other reason. Get yourself together, you look ridiculous.  _

“Yeah, I will.”

“Excuse me,” Niall signalled the waitress, a thin beta with red hair, “Can I get another order of fries?”

“I’m sorry, sir,” the girl looked mortified that she had to tell him, “My manager is trying to be more forceful with the seven serving limit.”

Niall pouted, “That’s alright,” his voice perked up, “We’d like to see the dessert menu please.”

Louis couldn’t hold in his laughter once the waitress hurried off, accepting Zayn’s fist bump as he held his hand out toward Harry. 

“Pay up, Mr. Styles.”

Harry shook his head, “No way, Lou, you said six and that the manager would do, as far as the bet is concerned, you lose. Aka,” he smiled, “I win.”

“No way,” Louis’ voice fell open in outrage, “She mentioned the manager and I said  _ after  _ six and last time I checked, seven comes after six. So therefore, I win. Pay up.”

Harry stuck his tongue out indignantly, “No way. Liam, tell him that I’m right.”

Louis turned to Liam with wide, innocent eyes, “Li, don’t tell me you’re going to agree with him.”

“I’m not.”

Louis whooped in victory.

“But,” Liam’s smirk had Louis frowning, “as far as it’s concerned, neither of you won the bet.”

“Who gets the money then, wise guy,” Louis raised his eyebrow.

“I think all of you should just give me two hundred dollars and call it even,” shrugging like it was the most obvious answer in the world, Liam munched on one of the fries that Niall hadn’t managed to steal. 

After a stunned moment of silence, the table erupted into banter, Louis pointing a stern finger at Liam before flinging a fry at Harry. Zayn looked like he wanted to be swallowed whole by the booth, but retaliated when Harry stole food from his plate. Niall was eating what was left of his meal, watching the spectacle with heavy laughter, and Liam, the instigator of the whole affair, just grinned as he played right along. 

They never did get that dessert menu, but they did get a manager asking them politely to leave. 

* * *

**_One Direction Spotted at Nandos in London!_ ** _ A few hours before their first London show, the band was seen out for dinner at Nandos, commonly known as Niall’s favourite. It’s the first public outing of the band since the reveal of Louis Tomlinson as an omega. As they left, Niall seemed upset, is it possible that Louis is already driving a wedge into the pack? _   
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading!! hope you liked it :):):)


	14. “he wants to say ‘i love you,’ but he keeps it all inside. because love will mean some falling and he’s afraid of heights.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the pack finds out louis is injured. shit happens. louis screams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey, so this took FOREVER, but it’s finished, and it’s actually decently long, so i don’t think i did too horrible yeah? 
> 
> i actually quite enjoy this chapter. i think that it’s slightly angsty with an underpaying of fluff +the promise of future fluff. umm i’m pretty sure i used every possible way to describe a heart beating so yeah, it’ll be interesting. 
> 
> lol, so i know i’m like putting lou through hell but like, idk how else to get to the good part of the plot? so there’s so more angst to go before we can get to the love, fluff, and...smut...
> 
> um lmk if you disagree about the speed of the story, i just don’t want to erase all louis’ trauma because he’s an omega and the pack wants him. but if you think i’m going to slow or making it too..weird? for them. idk. sorry lol i’m just v insecure and need validation
> 
> i hope you like this chapter! let me know what you guys think! thank you for giving me and this story a chance! enjoy :)
> 
> *chapter warnings* blood, language, angst, idk, it’s not that bad, just a good heap of angst and louis hating himself a bit, ig attempted self discipline

Louis was completely aware that eventually the pack would realize that he was injured. He hadn’t been aware that it would happen because of a stubborn hairdresser’s adamant hate of beanies. 

He had glared at Lou when she tried to take it off, a protective hand falling on top of his head, “Leave my beanie alone, you evil woman.” 

“Loueh,” Niall called from the pile he and the pack had created on the couch, much to Caroline’s protest for the sake of their clothes, “Struggling is useless, just give in…” he paused for a moment, face lighting up, “You should do the cinnamon roll instead!” 

Louis frowned, an offended sound leaving his lips, “Flower, I’m beginning to think you may have a strange obsession with my hair...or cinnamon rolls.”

The omega hummed “Both.”

Louis stared at Niall, a confused expression twisting his face as his hand fell off his head and that’s when Lou lunged, her nails grabbing at the gray fabric and tugging it off. They stumbled and Louis felt his eyes go wide as the ground came closer. He groaned, cheek pressed to the ground, “Ouch.” He could feel Lou laughing from where she was crushing his legs. 

“Oi, get off me,” He pressed at Lou’s shoulder but her eyes were fixed on the carpet by Louis’ head, her eyebrows furrowed into a worried expression. With horror Louis realized that she was staring at the carpet, the very white carpet, that Louis was currently bleeding on, the wet rush accompanying the stabbing pain in the back of his head. 

“Oh my god,” Her voice was shaky, “Louis, are you okay?” hands hovered over the wound and Louis tried to squirm away, humiliation colouring his cheeks as he heard Niall’s voice, “What happened?” followed by the shadows falling over him as people voiced their worries. 

“I-I didn’t mean to…” Lou trailed off worried as she scrambled off of him and Louis struggled to his feet, brushing off the warning grips of the pack. Guilt pooled in his stomach at the wobbling expression on Lou’s face and he managed a small grimace as he shook his head, “It wasn’t your fault, Lou, promise.”

The blonde hairdresser looked ready to protest, her hands still clutching at Louis’ beanie, but the brunette sent her a look, blue eyes heavy with sincerity, “I’m serious, I had a…” he searched for the word, “mishap earlier,” he saw the twisted expression of anger and concern mashed into a frown that was mirrored across the pack. He winced, “I didn’t want to make a big deal about it...it was just like a headache and I’m-” he coughed lightly, “I got pretty good at dealing with those.”

“Lou, would you go get a first aid kit?” Liam may have been speaking to her, but his attention was focused solely on Louis, who felt like squirming under the weight of the Alpha’s gaze. It was clearly a way to get Louis alone in the room, the clock ticking as the show got closer. If he could just stall for twenty minutes….the door swung shut and Louis realized as they pressed closer to him, guiding him to sit down, that there was no way to stall them, not when they were looking at him like that, and he was screwed. 

No one broke the silence, the emptiness filling the air as Niall pressed around the wound gently with some tissues, absorbing some of the blood flow that had slowed to an ooze. Louis gripped at his fingers, twisting them nervously as he waited for them to lecture him, rip into him for hiding it, scold him like he was a toddler with no idea of how to take care of himself. He winced, flinching when Niall pressed down a little firmer and he dug his nails into his thigh as he hissed through clenched teeth, pain echoing through his skull. 

He waited for the retort to his pain, for the blame to fall upon his shoulders because he had been stupid enough to hide an injury from them-- “Are you okay?”

Louis barely processed the words, the words he had caged on the tip of his tongue spilling out in a rush, “I’m sorry, I really-” he froze, blinking up at Zayn, confused, “wait, what?”

The door opened and Harry hurried to accept the offered first aid kit followed by the door clicking shut. Zayn smiled softly at him, fingers toying with the short fuzz of hair behind Louis’ ear, who leaned into the touch like a satisfied kitten, eyes falling closed, pleased. Liam repeated the words softly as Niall rummaged through the first aid kid, tossing the bloodied tissues into the rubbish bin, “Are you okay?”

Louis hummed, confusion swirling his thoughts as he reeled to think about the question he wasn’t sure he had an answer to. “Y-yeah I mean,” he stammered for words, “hurts like a bitch, but I’m alright.”

“I’m gonna wrap it up with some medical wrap and gauze,” he could hear the frown in Niall’s words, “I think we should get you checked out, it’s a nasty hit, you might have a concussion.”

“I don’t need to see another doctor,” Louis grumbled, “It’ll be okay.”

Niall finished wrapping his head and kissed his hair lightly, “We’ll see, yeah? If it gets better then you won’t have to, but if it doesn’t I’ll drag your sorry arse there myself.”

Another bout of silence fell over the room and Louis shifted uncomfortably, eyes darting to the clock which told them that they would have to be backstage in about fifteen minutes. 

“Do you want to tell us what happened?”

Louis felt sheepish, scratching the back of his neck apologetically, as he basically lied through his teeth, “I don’t really remember…”

“Louis,” Liam’s voice was soft, but his eyes were hard as he knelt in front of the couch, hand falling on Louis’ knee which was jerking nervously as the omega fidgeted, “Did..did someone hurt you?”

Louis reached out for Liam automatically, wanting to soothe the harsh lines of worry that creased his forehead, but he froze with his hand midair,  _ that is definitely overstepping boundaries, Louis, get it together,  _ his voice caught in his throat, “No, god no, Liam. I..” his eyes fell shut, “I did this to myself.”

He didn’t want to see the reaction to his words, hearing them, god, hearing them was bad enough. The sad gasps that filtered into the air around him breaking through the fragile wall he had wrapped around him, tears welled behind his shut eyes, head shaking in a dizzying pattern as he pressed his nails into his thigh, “I’m sorry,” he murmured, “I’m so sorry. I-I didn't mean to.” 

“Lou,” a hand fell on his chin and Louis flinched, but the grip didn't falter, gentle but firm as it pulled Louis’ face from where he had tucked it against his chest in an attempt to curl in on himself, “Look at me.”

Blue eyes blinked up at Harry who thumbed softly at Louis’ chin, “It’s okay,” he put so much weight behind the words that a shiver warmed his spine, “We’re not angry. We’ll get you a beanie to wear, no one has to know but us, okay?”

It was intense, sitting there with your best friend’s hand wrapped around your chin and their face inches from your own, all of it added with the warmth of Niall against his back, Liam’s hand still heavy on his left knee, and Zayn still gripping his hand from when the alpha had pried them away from his thigh, had Louis’ head spinning in warm circles that sent his heart into a frenzied beat. His breath caught, eyes wide as his lips parted a sound building in his throat as the pack leaned closer, wrapping around him. 

“We said we would protect you, Lou,” Zayn’s whisper brushed across the sensitive skin of Louis’ neck and Louis was ninety percent positive that he was going to have an aneurysm with the way his brain was short circuiting, “Even if it means protecting you from yourself.”

The moment was broken just as quickly as it had started, like a rubber band snapping back after being stretched into a thin, fragile strand. Paul, whose knock had Louis jumping out of his seat and the small, but respectable distance furthering into something that had Louis aching to go back, poked his head in to tap at his watch and toss a beanie at them, “Lou said you might need this, five minutes, boys.”

Louis caught the beanie, his heart still stuttering in his chest, calling a “Thanks” to Paul as the door shut again. He slid the beanie over his hair with a shaky breath, eyes darting over the pack as Niall stood and came close, hands reaching up to adjust the beanie. He smiled, “Can’t even tell, Lou.”

Okay, Niall was far too close and Louis’ breath caught, teeth tugging at his bottom lip, embarrassed at the possibility of Niall hearing just how hard his heart was hammering against his ribs, “I’m-I’m gonna go get my mic. Yeah, only have five minutes, um,” Louis coughed to cover up just how shaky his voice was as his veins flooded with emotion, “see you back there.” 

He hurried out of the room, feet padding quickly against the floor until he made it a safe distance away and he sighed, back pressing against the wall.  _ He was so screwed.  _

* * *

Niall whipped around to his mate, finger poking Harry’s cheek, “You fucking idiot!”

The alpha’s eyes went comically wide as his omega rose on his tiptoes to glower at him, “What did I do?”

“Nothing?” Zayn sounded just as confused. 

“Not nothing! What if you just scared him off, Mr. Creepy Lovestare?!”

Liam snorted, pulling Niall away and soothing his omega with a kiss to the side of his neck, “Calm down, love.”

Niall pouted up at his Alpha, “But-“

“No buts, babe,” Liam ruffled Niall’s hair, “I don’t think we scared Lou, I think that he was just a bit overwhelmed by the attention and his injury.”

* * *

Louis was fucking terrified. He had finally managed to strap on his pack when Niall and Harry had shown up, Liam and Zayn lagging behind them. He hid his nerves easily, disguising it as the pre show jumping around he always did as he bounced on the balls of his feet, hands wrapped steadily around his mic. 

“Ready, Boo?”

Louis grinned at Niall, it wasn’t all that hard he realized, smiling as his heart fluttered with warmth, racing as Niall returned his smile. He was scared of that, how nice it felt, his smile dropped but he saved it by twisting them into a smirk, winking at Niall as he showed the omega the hidden bottle of silly string he had. It worked as a distraction and Niall blurted out a laugh that had Harry peering over suspiciously. 

“What are you two planning?”

Louis smiled innocently, “Nothing, Haz!” Harry’s eyes narrowed, trailing over Louis' figure, searching for whatever the omega was hiding. Louis didn’t have time to think about the heat of Harry’s gaze, the way it made him feel because the music was starting and they were rushing on stage. 

The feeling ebbed away as Louis lost himself in the crowd, belting out the lyrics as he messed around on stage. It wasn’t until he was chasing Liam covering the Alpha’s back with purple strings, a laugh bubbling from his lips as his friend tried to dodge that it returned, his stomach churning pleasantly as he continued his attack. It hit him full force just how screwed he was when the can sputtered, empty, and Liam turned on him a smirk on his face charging at him and causing a squeak to escape his lips in surprise as he tried to escape and hide behind Niall. He felt warm, beanie on his head, sleeves covering his hands, and his heart steadily speeding up in his chest. It felt like...It felt like…

Yeah, Louis was fucking terrified. 

* * *

After the show, they piled into an SUV and Liam was still picking string from his hair and the back of his shirt. Louis fought back a laugh as he shoved himself next to the window, yanking off his beanie and tugging at the bandages. 

“Woah woah woah,” Niall slapped his hands away, “You are leaving that put.”

Louis pouted at the other omega, “Flower, I’m sweaty and it itches. Twenty minutes in the car won’t kill me,” he softened his eyes, his voice edging on an embarrassing whine, “you’ll be able to keep an eye on me the whole time, Ni.”

Niall frowned, “Fine,” Louis cheered slightly, yanking at the bandage and gently pulling it off of his head, covering the bloody part with the clean section of bandage, crumbling it into a ball. Niall poked at Louis cheek threateningly, “But I’m putting on another one when we get to the hotel.”

“Yes sir,” Louis grinned, leaning forward, the feeling back and strong as ever as his instincts took over and he kissed Niall on the cheek, a smile lighting his lips. 

It dimmed when he realized just what he had done, his skin paling as a flush creeped up his neck in embarrassment, “S-Sorry,” he stuttered out. 

_ Stupid. Stupid. They’re going to hate you. You shouldn't have done that.  _

Niall’s shock faded into a grin and Louis felt confusion melt over his features as the younger omega pressed his smile into Louis’ cheek with two consecutive kisses, “Never apologize for that, flower.”

Louis’ face was burning, his heart thundering in his ears that were probably just as red as the skin over his cheeks. His embarrassment was not, however, greater than his need to protest, “You're the flower, Ni.”

“Why can’t you be my flower?” 

The feeling bloomed in his chest, Louis couldn’t breathe as he glanced up at Niall, his mouth dry, hands shaking, “You’re already mine.”

Niall sighed, as if he knew arguing would be useless, “You’re my Lou though, right?”

Louis leant his head against the window as if the lukewarm glass would clear his head of the foggy, dizzying emotion that was rising up in him. He nodded, unable to form words as his throat bobbed, he swallowed trying to choke out what he wanted to say, “As long as you’ll be my flower.”

Niall smiled again, softer in the darkness of the backseat, and Louis realized that Harry, Zayn, and Liam looked pleased as their omega responded, “Guess you’re my Lou forever.”

Louis was so screwed.

So screwed in fact, that later that night, when he had finally escaped the pack’s room, white bandages swathed around his head, and he dug through his suitcase, brushing across his pocket knife and forgoing it to grab at the worn leather hidden in the very bottom of the luggage. 

He looked at the notebook, standing up and bringing it over to the bed, not bothering to throw back the covers before climbing on top and staring down at it. 

It was his first songbook. One of the first things he had bought when he realized he wasn’t a poor lad from Donny anymore. He tugged at the leather tie, not opening it, but allowing his thumb to run over the ridge of the pages. 

He had never liked any of the ideas in this book, there was no reason he shouldn’t have trashed it long ago, but there was one empty page. One page for him to finish that part of him, childish, naive, and scared. Now here he was, scared out of his mind, back into the naivety that he could have...this. That he could feel  _ this.  _

He opened to that page, a small part of him screaming for him to write and then burn the thing to ashes along with his feelings, but he knew that it wouldn’t, that he  _ couldn’t  _ just burn them away. 

Songwriting had always been his release, his way of expressing the things he had never been able to say. It was his scream. His scream for what, he never had been able to figure that out, but he knew he had screamed from behind a window every time his pencil touched paper, nobody ever able to hear him. 

He looked at the hotel door, heart swelling with that stupid,  _ amazing  _ feeling at just the  _ thought _ of his friends, his  _ best friends _ , across the hall from him their words echoing in his ears. 

_ “If you need anything…We’re right here, Lou, always right here.” _

Louis was so overwhelmed, so full of…

His heart thudded but his hands were steady as he took a deep breath and. began. to. scream.

* * *

**One Direction Topic**

**_@zianourry :_ **

_ first official zianourry acc cuz i’m sorry but did you see the way the whole pack was finding over lou the ENTIRE SHOW. like when louis ran out of silly string and liam ran after him, OMG the Alpha was so playful and niall protecting louis while zayn stopped singing because he was so FOND and harry couldn’t stop doing that lil stare of his, HOLY CRAP THEY'RE MORE IN LOVE WITH LOUIS THAN I AM _

**_@smolbeanlou :_ **

_ okay but louis in a beanie????? yes pls. these pictures are a blessing.  _

**_@zianarry :_ **

_ Y’all trippin. The pack obvs just feels bad for Louis and is trying to make him feel better… UGH..if you’re a zianourry block me.  _

__ **_@smolbeanlou :_ **

__ **_@zianarry_ ** _ happily _

**_@zianourry_ ** and  **_@smolbeanlou_ ** **blocked** **_@zianarry_ **


	15. “the sense of smell is the hair-trigger of memory”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> louis’ phone is dead, the alphas definitely have the look, niall is louis’ favourite, and...oh no

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey, so like i’m basically dying because my ears won’t stop ringing and this chapter was so hard for me to finish. i have to go get some tests run and hopefully i’ll be back to normal and able to sit down and write like normal. umm it’s v short and i’m sorry, but i’ll make up for it next time, promise
> 
> ummmmmmmmmmm lol idk what else to say. 
> 
> oh! thank you so much for all the support and comments, every time i see one it makes my day, you all are amazing!! 
> 
> there’s a few options for the pack getting together, basically, so you want them together in like five or six chapters or more like ten to eleven? let me know!
> 
> here’s the chapter, let me know what you think! 
> 
> *chapter warnings* you’ll see? nothing triggering that doesn’t spoil the chapter

Louis didn’t sleep that night, moving from his bed sometime in the early hours of the morning when the moon was still at its peak in the sky to sit at the desk, pulling out score paper. He hummed to himself quietly, mumbling the lyrics he had finally gotten scribbled down. When the sun had risen, the light dancing across the carpet, Louis remained hunched over the scattering of papers, eyes dark with exhaustion and determination. It wasn’t until Julian had come knocking at his door, around seven that morning, that Louis left the song. 

“Hey, I’m putting finishing touches on that song we wrote a while back,” he took in Louis’ appearance, the same clothes as the night before to match the bags under his eyes, but credit to him, he didn’t comment, “Wanna help?”

Julian glanced around him, saw the mess of papers and raised an eyebrow, “Or we could look at that. New Song?”

A flush rose high on his cheeks and he turned sheepish, a hand rubbing at the back of his neck, “Yeah, but it’s not ready for anyone else’s eyes, not yet,” rather than explaining further, Louis bit at his lip with a small smile, “but I do have another idea that we could work on. Just let me get dressed and grab my notebook.” 

The alpha smiled at him, expression soft as Louis closed the door and grimaced as he peeled off his clothes, now completely aware of how he smelt of sweat and the odor that only seemed to belong to performing. He practically doused himself in a neutral smelling deodorant before pulling on a pair of sweats and a too-large sweater, snatching his current songbook from his backpack and shuffling the mess of papers into a stack that he promptly shoved into the back of his old one, replacing it in the bottom of his suitcase. 

His phone lay forgotten on the nightstand, most definitely dead considering the charger was also in the bottom of his luggage, so he left it there, stuffing his wallet into his pocket and opening the door, “Ready?”

Julian nodded and Louis froze, his chest tightening as he turned to look at the pack’s hotel room door, “You should probably let them know where you’re going, I’d rather not get my head taken off for stealing you without warning.”

“Maybe, yeah, my phone’s dead, but I don’t want to wake them,” Louis made a dismissing gesture despite his itch to believe that he  _ needed  _ to talk to the pack, as if them knowing where he was would bring them some sort of comfort, “I can just have Paul tell them.” 

The songwriter looked skeptical, but shrugged his shoulders, “Alright, but Paul is supposed to be busy all day with interviews.”

“Interviews?” Louis had forgoed shoes considering they were just going down the hall to Julian’s room that doubled as the makeshift studio and his socked feet made quiet sounds against the carpet. 

“Yeah, we’re short a few bodyguards so we’re getting a few new additions,” the way he said made it seem like it happened all the time, but it most certainly did not and Louis groaned. “Please tell me that it’s not because I’m O and need more protection.”

Julian’s smile was answer enough, Louis grimaced, “Who mentioned it as a good idea?”

“We all agreed on it, Lou-”

“Everyone? Where was I when this was happening?” Louis glared at the floor while Julian pulled out his key and opened his door, gesturing for Louis to go first. 

The alpha shrugged slightly, “You were sleeping, none of us wanted to wake you, plus we knew that you would throw a fit.” Louis glared at the floor, dropping into a chair, grumbling lightly, “I am not throwing a fit.”

Julian sent him another look, shoulders lifting as he chuckled under his breath when Louis turned sheepish, shrugging and stuttering out, “I just don’t need them, I’ve done perfectly fine with just one.”

“Louis, you’re getting them, no point in arguing,” Julian moved on before Louis could continue his protest, “Okay, so I think we just need a title and the actual recording before we can sign off on the one we worked on in Manchester, so we can work on it with the band later and get it solid with everyone. For now, let’s have that new idea.”

Tugging out the Spiderman notebooks pages that he had kept with him since the hospital, Louis set his notebook aside and handed the wrinkled paper, outlined in red and blue blots of designs that Louis had never really paid any attention to, over to Julian, “Yes, it’s on Spider-man paper, but I found it in a hospital sitting room so give me a break, all right?”

Julian laughed, eyes darting over the page with the miniscule words that Louis had eventually labelled as the chorus before switching to the other page that held the scribbles that Louis thought were verses, but to be honest he could ever really tell. Julian, however, nodded, bobbing his head to an invisible beat, an expert at deciphering Louis’ chicken scrawl after two years. 

“What if for the beginning instead of like statements we could do like questions, almost emphasizing the meaning of the chorus,” Julian pushed his chair closer to where Louis was sitting, leaning forward and gesturing toward the verse Louis had gotten down, “Like, ‘who’s gonna be the first one to start the fight? Who's gonna be the first one to fall asleep at night?’”

Louis nodded, picking up the shaky rhythm, “‘Who’s gonna be the first one to drive away? Who’s gonna be the last one to forget this place?’” 

Julian nodded, taking the pencil from behind his ear to write the lyrics down, a small smile on his face, “I don’t know if we’ll keep that rhythm, but that run you did on the ‘away’ was sick, loved it.”

They continued to play with the rhythm, breaking off into laughter when one of their voices would break because of the residual effects of the early morning, and they didn’t stop until they had finally finished the first veres, pre-chorus, chorus, and the beginning of the second verse. Even then, it was the frantic knocking on the door that broke them out of the working reverie that enraptured them into songwriting, Julian shot him a knowing look, rising to his feet and opening the door for a frazzled looking Zayn, “He’s in here.”

Louis rose to his feet, sheepish as he heard Zayn shouted down the hall for his mates, and then the eldest alpha was in front of him, gripping his arms and looking into his eyes. Louis spoke first, eyes and voice equally soft, “I’m okay, you didn’t need to worry.”  _ Not about me.  _

Zayn seemed undeterred, thumbs rubbing softly over his sweater, “You weren’t answering your phone and you weren’t in your room, Lou, of course we’re going to worry. You should’ve told us where you were going.”

“I don’t need a babysitter,” Louis grumbled and Zayn sighed as the rest of the pack came bounding into the room, crowding in around Louis. Niall didn’t hesitate to pull the other omega from his alpha’s loose grasp, bring the brunette into a hug, breath tickling against Louis’ neck, “If you keep running off to write songs, regardless of the fact that you’re with Julian, I’m going to take that songbook of yours and hide it away.”

“Flower,” Louis’ voice was, embarrassingly enough, edging on a whine as his cheeks flushed pink at the attention, pushing his face into Niall’s neck, “I don’t need a babysitter.”

“Who said you needed a babysitter? I’m pretty sure the lesson from this is that you’re not supposed to leave my side, ever,” The blonde seemed to think about it, but two seconds later, Niall was nodding, “yeah, sounds like the perfect solution to me.” 

“So it wasn’t any of you that brought up the idea of extra bodyguards?” Louis pulled his head back from the hug that was currently causing his lungs to constrict painfully, but screw him, he was enjoying it. It didn’t, however, stop him from raising an eyebrow at the rest of the pack, only to notice that Julaian had since vacated the room. Unsurprisingly, none of them had the decency to look the least bit sheepish, Liam even had the audacity to shrug, “We agreed that it was a good idea, but that’s besides the point,” the alpha’s gaze went more serious, “why weren’t you answering your phone?”

Louis suddenly felt like a small child being scolded for doing something stupid and he blushed again, pulling away from Niall so he could resist the urge to press his nose into the enticing scent gland so that he would be able to hide from the question. His sleeves swallowed his hands, fingers stretching out into sweater paws as his nose twitched, too tired to maintain a semblance of his normal sarcasm, “It died, forgot to charge it last night, got too caught up--” Louis stumbled over the detail he almost failed to omit, “I just forgot. M’sorry.”

“Is it charging now?”

Louis smiled dubiously, “Maybe?”

Harry joined Liam in assuming a serious, but not quite disappointed, stance as they looked down at Louis, “Lou…”

“I’ll go charge it right now, but you better stop giving me _that_ look,” Louis was already halfway out the door when a hand caught the edge and held it open for him. Harry smiled down at him and Louis knew that he was completely aware of what Louis was talking about, _smug_ _bastard_. Zayn slung an arm over his shoulders and Louis looked up at the alpha with a suspicious twitch starting in the corner of his eye, molten, dark eyes melted into the exact expression Louis was talking about, puppy dog eyes mixed with stern concern, “Don’t know what you’re on, mate, we don’t have ‘a look.’”

Louis scoffed, elbowing Zayn in the ribs before sidling up next to Niall, “Don’t know why I bother being friends with those stinky alphas,” he nudged at the other omega who gladly brought Louis into his side, “not when I have my flower.”

Niall grinned turning his head to stick his tongue out at his alphas, “Told you I was his favourite.”

Louis heard multiple affronted sounds from behind him and he hid his laugh behind his hand, pulling from Niall to grab his key from his pocket only to pause, head tilting at the sight of his door propped open. 

“Huh,” he reached out but Liam grabbed his wrist, voice low, “Did you leave your door open?”

Louis shook his head mutely, but shook off Liam’s grip, shoving his key back into his pocket and taking a step toward the door. 

An arm snaked around his shoulders keeping him put and Liam continued, “Louis, you need to wait until Paul gets up here,” sure enough, with a turn of his head, Louis saw that Zayn had his phone pressed to his ear murmuring urgent words, eyes still fixated on the open door. 

Louis ignored the low order that was bleeding into Liam’s words, relaxing just enough that the Alpha would loosen his grip to the point where Louis could break through and then darted forward, pushing open the door. 

“Louis!”

Louis froze shaking hands coming up to cover his quivering lips, no one was in the room, but on the bed there was a mess of shredded papers, the song he had written last night, the confession he let go was ripped to pieces and on top of it all lay a bouquet of purple flowers that Louis didn’t know the name of. Tears rushed to his eyes because even from four feet away, he recognized the smell drifting off the flowers. 

His knees buckled and he barely heard the worried sounds of the pack as arms wrapped around them, he caught the word, “ _... _ cloves…” and Louis’ chest constricted painfully. He tried to curl into himself, doing everything to hide now that it was confirmed, that he hadn’t imagined the sharp, prickling scent, that it was real. His neck burned,  _ the  _ alpha had been in his room, had touched his things, found his song, and left his scent dripping from every crevice of Louis’ things. 

It was messing with Louis’ head, because despite his delirium he couldn’t misinterpret the obvious message: it was a claim. The alpha wanted Louis, and he seemed ready at nothing to get him. 

Louis’ panic grew, the world tilting around him, and that thought was the last thing he could remember before the world went dark. 

* * *

**_“I’d like to get a bouquet of any flower you have that smell like cloves.”_ **

_ “Matthiola Incana, that’ll be 12€ please. Would you like to add a message card? It’s complimentary.” _

**_“Yes, just put ‘A reminder, Darling.’”_ **

_ “Is that all?” _

**_“Yes, I do believe he will get the message loud and clear.”_ **


End file.
